Let’s get one thing straight – great sex isn’t about performance or perfection or even orgasms. Sex is about connection, communication, and feeling safe and good in our bodies. And while every woman is different, and just an FYI, there’s no one-size-fits-all guide to pleasure, there are a few things that many of us wish men knew about sex – things that could make our sexual experiences way more enjoyable for everyone involved.
So, if you’re open to learning, listening and ensuring we all have a good time in the bedroom – read on. Because no one’s born amazing in bed – they learn, listen, and evolve.
1. Foreplay isn’t optional – it’s essential
Too many people still think of foreplay as the warm-up act. But for lots of women, foreplay is the main event. Films, TV shows, the music industry, porn and even our sex ed misses the most vital aspect to enjoyable sex, stimulation, touch and building up arousal. It’s like eating a half-baked cake. Please slow down, let those juices have a chance to get flowing and enjoy the build-up that our bodies so desperately need.
2. Clitoral stimulation matters – a lot
It’s been ingrained into society that women are broken if they don’t orgasm from penetration or at the same time as their partner; however, most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. The clitoris is the gateway to pleasure, so if you’re not paying attention to it, you’re missing out on the most reliable route to her pleasure.
3. We don’t need you to be perfect – we need you to be present
You don’t need a porn-star body or an encyclopaedic knowledge of positions. We want someone paying attention, showing up with curiosity, care, and a willingness to learn what we like. Our bodies, our genitals and our wants and needs around sex are so unique, and no two of us (men included) are the same. Never be the person who assumes; be the person who asks questions. Trust me; it’s sexy!
4. Slower is (usually) better
Now, this is subjective, but slower is usually better for most. Did you know it can take around 20 minutes (sometimes more, sometimes less) for a woman’s body to become fully aroused? It takes time for the blood flow to start increasing to the vulva and clitoris and for natural lubrication to start building. Quickies can be hot, but there is also nothing wrong with taking your time.
5. Orgasms aren’t always the goal – pleasure is
Sure, orgasms are great, but they’re not the be-all and end-all, despite what you’ve been told or what you’ve seen. Solely focusing on getting to the “finish line” can create huge amounts of pressure to perform rather than having fulfilling sex. Let’s be honest; if we think about it, the good bits happen right there in the middle.
So next time, prioritise pleasure over orgasm and explore what feels good rather than what’s expected. Ultimately, sex is about a shared experience of feeling good together and exploring what your body likes. Whether it’s a sensual massage, nipple play or just a naked cuddle. Sex is about pleasure, not performance.
There’s no secret formula to becoming better in bed, but you can have curiosity over ego, connection over performance, and presence over assumptions. So, if you’re willing to listen, learn, and lead with care and curiosity, you’re already halfway there. Because great lovers aren’t born – they’re built with time, trust, and a whole lot of intention. And that? That’s sexy as hell.
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April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
