5 Things you might not know about how your body works during sex

Did you know that your body is working in incredible ways before, during, and after sex—often in ways we were never taught or even aware of? Many people go their whole lives never fully understanding their bodies, yet a lot is happening beneath the surface that goes unnoticed, which will explain a lot, especially regarding relationships and navigating challenges.

Here are five fascinating facts about what’s going on when you’re aroused, having sex, or experiencing an orgasm that you might not know.

There is a difference between desire and arousal.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about sex is that desire and arousal are the same thing. In fact, they’re not, and understanding the difference might make a world of difference when trying to understand mismatched libidos better.

Let’s start with desire. Desire is psychological—it’s the interest to want or to engage in sex. Arousal, on the other hand, is physiological—it’s the body’s response to sexual stimulation, such as increased blood flow to the genitals, lubrication (feeling wet), or an erection happening.

Understanding the difference is important because then we can better understand desire discrepancy, aka mismatched libidos, which happens when one partner wants sex more than the other. If one partner experiences arousal easily while the other needs more time or different types of stimulation, this can create misunderstandings, which takes me to the next point.

Spontaneous, responsive, and contextual desire—why we all experience desire differently.

Not everyone experiences desire in the same way. Some people have spontaneous desire, meaning they can feel turned on without external stimulation. Others experience responsive desire, where sexual interest builds in reaction to touch, intimacy, or connection. There’s also contextual desire, which is when someone’s sexual interest depends on their environment, mood, or emotional state.

This means that two partners may have very different pathways to getting in the mood for sex. If one person expects to feel spontaneous desire but has a more responsive or contextual pattern, they might think something is wrong with them—but that’s not the case.

Orgasm and ejaculation are separate processes for penis owners.

For most of us, we are under the assumption that orgasm and ejaculation are the same thing for those with a penis and that one can’t happen without the other, but they’re actually separate processes. An orgasm is a neurological response that occurs in the brain and body, while ejaculation is the release of semen from the penis. While they often occur together, they don’t have to, fascinating, right? Some people with penises can experience orgasm without ejaculating, and others can learn to delay or separate the two; we have a whole podcast on semen retention with Nic Warner if you are keen to learn more.

Understanding these two processes is important for people exploring techniques like multiple orgasms or those who struggle with premature ejaculation.

The orgasmic process for vulva owners is out of our conscious control.

Ok, get ready for an insight that they definitely didn’t teach you in sex ed. For those with a vulva, orgasms aren’t something we actively “decide” to have—they’re controlled by the upper lumbar vertebrae in the spinal cord. This means that once the body reaches a certain level of stimulation, the orgasmic process happens automatically.

During orgasm, the introitus (also known as the orgasmic platform) contracts rhythmically between 3 to 15 times. The uterus and anal sphincter also contract, adding to the physical sensations of climax. Additionally, oxytocin—sometimes called the “cuddle hormone”—is released, promoting feelings of relaxation and bonding.

This explains why orgasms can sometimes feel unpredictable. The nervous system and spinal cord play a massive role in processing pleasure, so understanding this can help reduce frustration and encourage exploration of what feels good.

The refractory period—Why penis owners need time before round two.

Have you ever been laying next to your partner after sex, ready for round two, but the person with a penis needs that extra time to get going again?

Unlike those with vulvas, people with penises experience a refractory period after orgasm. Meaning a temporary phase where the body prevents further erection or ejaculation, no matter how much stimulation occurs. The length of this period varies from person to person and can be influenced by age, hormones, and overall health.

For younger individuals, the refractory period may only last a few minutes, while for others, it can take hours or even longer. This is why some people need time before they feel ready for another round of sex, while others might feel ready to go again more quickly.

On the other hand, vulva owners don’t have a refractory period in the same way. While sensitivity may increase immediately after orgasm, many are capable of multiple orgasms if the right type of stimulation continues.

Your body is fantastic!

Our bodies are fascinating, and the more we understand them, the more empowered we become in our sexual experiences, especially when things feel like they aren’t working. Knowing how desire works, how orgasms happen, and why our bodies respond the way they do can help us communicate better, explore pleasure with more confidence, and break free from limiting myths about sex.

Next time you’re in the heat of the moment, remember—there’s a lot more happening beneath the surface than you might think!

Join Sensuali, where you can expand your sexual horizons and learn more about your desires.

Read: When Desires Don’t Align

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.