Sexual confidence is a journey rooted in self-acceptance, self-awareness, and personal empowerment. Building this confidence begins within; it isn’t something granted by external validation but something cultivated by understanding and embracing who we are. Often, however, to rebuild or discover our sexual confidence, we need to take a few steps back and uncover where we may have lost it.
Confidence doesn’t suddenly vanish; it’s worn down over years of shame, silencing, social conditioning, and societal ideals dictating what we should or shouldn’t do. The films we watch, the education we receive, and the unconscious messages we absorb all shape how we view ourselves as sexual beings. Take a moment to reflect on a time when you felt shame around sex or your body, and consider whether that feeling truly aligns with your own beliefs and sense of identity—or if it’s simply a message you’ve internalised from others.
As we move forward, we don’t want to cover up old wounds without understanding their origin. Instead, let’s aim to heal and empower ourselves so these wounds don’t continue to resurface.
Below are five steps to reconnect with yourself and boost your sexual confidence, starting from within.
1. Uncover the root causes of insecurity
Before jumping into building confidence, it’s essential to understand where any insecurities around sexuality and body image stem from. Perhaps it’s from a critical comment that a parent or ex made, a lack of open discussion around sex during your teen years, or years of societal conditioning that taught you to feel shame or discomfort around your body and desires. Start by journaling your thoughts and exploring moments in your past when you felt uncomfortable with your body or sexuality.
Asking yourself questions like “What messages did I receive growing up about sex or my body?” or “When did I first feel ashamed or insecure in this area?” can help you understand how your confidence was affected. Explore these areas to help you better understand your deepest beliefs.
- What messages have you been taught to believe about my body
- How have cultural or religious beliefs shaped your views on sexuality?
- What have I learned to hide or change about myself to feel accepted?
- What experiences have made me feel “less than” or judged?
Exploring and challenging these deep-rooted messages, rather than covering them, allows you to move forward with an honest foundation for change and, in turn, power and autonomy over the choices you make for yourself. We enter this world as curious individuals, and over time, we unknowingly adopt restrictive mindsets simply because we’ve been exposed to them repeatedly.
2. Cultivate self-acceptance through self-care
The path to confidence is paved with self-care, self-compassion, and giving yourself time to heal from the life-long limiting beliefs that may have held you back. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally is a way of honouring and reconnecting with your body. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual; it could be as simple as a skincare routine, stretching, a warm bath, or giving yourself time to rest and unwind.
Self-care teaches us to be gentle with ourselves and to appreciate what our bodies do for us. When we honour our needs and treat ourselves with respect, we’re more likely to feel grounded and confident in our bodies. This practice also helps you feel more in control and capable of self-soothing, both of which lay the groundwork for sexual confidence.
Because of years of shame and guilt around self-pleasure, many people find it challenging to connect with their bodies positively. This can make tuning into your needs and physical sensations feel uncomfortable or foreign. Our bodies are often treated as separate from our minds, and the practice of exploring self-care may feel awkward at first if shame or guilt has previously been attached to physical self-awareness. When we’re disconnected in this way, even non-sexual forms of self-nurturing can seem unfamiliar or challenging.
Working with an intimacy coach can help break down these barriers by creating a safe space to explore and reconnect with your body beyond the context of sexuality. Intimacy coaches offer guidance on how to experience body awareness through gentle practices that prioritise self-compassion, like deep breathing, mindful touch, or relaxation exercises.
3. Embrace sensuality through small pleasures
Being sexually confident doesn’t only mean feeling good during intimacy; it also means finding joy and comfort in your senses. Cultivating a sense of sensuality in everyday life—like enjoying the sun’s warmth, savouring a delicious meal, or feeling the texture of soft fabrics—can be a way to reawaken your senses.
Touch, taste, sound, and other sensory experiences can bring you closer to your body and remind you that pleasure doesn’t always have to be sexual. Engaging with your senses regularly helps you become more attuned to your likes and dislikes, allowing you to build a richer, fuller relationship with yourself.
4. Explore self-discovery and boundaries
Understanding and exploring your desires, both sexually and non-sexually, allows you to feel in control of your choices. This exploration can start with asking yourself, “What do I truly enjoy?” and “What brings me comfort and pleasure?” These questions help you learn more about yourself, enabling you to make empowered decisions.
Boundaries are also essential in building confidence. When you understand what feels good and what doesn’t, you can communicate your needs more effectively, whether in a relationship or on your own. Knowing that you’re making choices from a place of self-awareness and respect reinforces your confidence, making intimacy a more fulfilling experience.
One way to begin practising this concept is by using something called “sacred pausing.” This involves intentionally giving yourself a moment to breathe and reflect before responding to requests or questions. Sacred pausing means allowing time to consider what feels right for you without being pressured to respond immediately.
For example, if someone asks something of you and you feel uncertain, you might say, “I’d like to take some time to think about that before answering.” By embracing this pause, you give yourself permission to reflect, honouring your boundaries and reinforcing that it’s okay to consider thoughtfully what you need before making commitments. This practice helps build self-respect and allows you to communicate with clarity and authenticity.
5. Emphasise choice over action: “Choosing is More Important than Doing”
Ultimately, confidence is about having control over your choices. When you genuinely know what you enjoy, you’re better equipped to say “yes” or “no” to experiences, understanding that it’s your choice, not an obligation. Choice empowers you, making every action intentional and aligning it with your true desires.
For example, instead of focusing on how to perform or act during intimacy, ask yourself, “Is this something I want, and am I choosing it freely?” When you recognise that choosing an experience is far more important than simply doing it, your actions carry the weight of your authenticity and self-acceptance, which is the essence of confidence.
Building sexual confidence is an inward journey where we confront insecurities, rewrite old stories, and embrace our unique selves. It’s a process of loving ourselves, honouring our bodies and desires, and recognising our right to choose.
Work with a Coach to help you explore further
Read more ‘Reclaiming your sexual narrative: 6 books to read’
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
