Did you know that most people never fully realise their own desires. Sex is shrouded in shame, and whilst many of us have (wet) dreams about our most unconventional kinks, they often go no further than dreams. The most common scenario is for people to partly actualise their kinks- they might admit to a sexual partner that they like a bit of choking in bed, but they often don’t continue and delve into the specific stuff that really gets them off, and the psychology behind it.
It’s very rare for us to truly embark on a journey of shame-free sexual exploration, where our minds are liberated and we can speak freely and confidently about what we like. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Here is our quick-start, step-by-step guide to accepting and exploring your kinks.
Letting go of shame 👐
When it comes to removing shame that you have towards your kink, the best thing to do is to TALK. And you need to talk to people who are going to understand, rather than shut you down. Finding your kinky tribe can be fairly easy with the internet at hand. There’s many different types of kink communities on the internet, Sensuali being one of them.
And just because the affair begins online, you don’t have to stay online. Many online communities have in-person meets like workshops, panels, kink parties and casual socials. This first step of telling someone about what you like is often the most difficult step, and it might take some time. But once you take this initial move forward, the rest feels much easier.
Sitting with your desires 🤔
Okay, so you’ve told someone about your kinks. Phew. Big happy exhale. But wait- now you have to tell someone you’re sexually interested in?! Noooooooo. Yes. But we’ll get to that later. First, you can talk to yourself a bit more. Sit with your desires and ask yourself questions. Why do you want this particular kinky experience? How do you feel emotionally when you go looking for the kinky material that appeals to you so much?
The more you communicate with yourself and find out why you feel the way you do, the more you can let go of shame. Remember that you’re not weird for liking what you like. In fact, most of our desires come from nurture and the ways that world has sexualised certain things. This can hep you to reframe what you desire as something valid and even common (which it usually is). Remember, your most kinky desire might be considered pretty vanilla by someone else!
Talk to your friends 👯♀️
Oftentimes people (especially straight men) have hidden kinks that they feel incapable of sharing with anyone. Talking to your friends can be daunting, but once you’ve already spoken to others in the kink community, and you know that having a kink is completely normal and common, it might be easier to bring up the subject with friends. Doing this could also open the conversation up and you might discover that some of your friends feel the same way as you. If they seem baffled, you can mention others who you have spoken to who feel the same and see it as completely normal. Friends who really matter are going to accept you for who you are.
If single: finding someone who fits 🧤
Okay! It’s time to take action. Finding a kinky experience with someone might be a lot easier than you think. The internet is a great place to discover people who are specifically into the same thing as you. It can be quite liberating to try your new desires with someone completely outside of your usual social circle.
On Sensuali you can browse by experience, meaning you can find people who are offering the very kink that you want to explore. Before meeting, you can discuss limits, boundaries and the kinky experience as a whole. Depending on how it goes, this may be a one off or it could be something you would like to do on the regular. Whichever it is, give yourself permission to get what you want and give yourself the freedom of sexual expression without judgement.
Explore sensual experiences on Sensuali.
If in a relationship: talking to your partner 👬
Strangely, your partner can be even more difficult to talk to about your kinks than a complete stranger. Why? You might have already established a specific style of sex that you do together, and so suddenly coming out with something different can be really daunting. Try to remember that you’re not doing anything wrong by bringing this up- you’re doing the right thing by being open about your desires. Change is good.
If the concept of you talking about your kinks to your partner is cringing you out too much, you can talk to a sex coach who will help you take action. If even the idea of you saying out loud your kinks and your desires to your partner, you can practise saying it with a coach, to get used to the words coming out of your mouth naturally with another person there.
Try to open the conversation with your partner during a moment where you feel close to them and explain that it’s okay if they don’t want to try it- but you wanted to mention it. This takes away the pressure and still allows you to get things off your chest! Your partner might be into the same thing, or something similar. You can discuss boundaries, find middle ground or even look to explore your kink as a couple with a professional.
Featured Image: Rebecca Lightbody.
Read: A sex coach’s guide to navigating new sexual experiences.
Explore sex coaching on Sensuali.
Drew
Drew, aka Wise and Manly is a sexuality coach helping people to love themselves. As a bisexual man, he makes content about owning and embracing your sexuality as well as accepting your authentic self.
