The world of sex: huge, diverse, juicy and waiting for you to explore. As you’re here on Sensuali, I’ll assume you’re keen to seek out new experiences… or at least are in the early stages of considering doing so.
Like lots in life, in order for such experiences to go well, some forward planning and mental preparation can really help. We tend to imagine ‘good sex’ should be easy, spontaneous and wordless… but as a sex coach I know that’s not how it works. Communication is essential whatever your style of encounter, and planning too, especially when aiming to keep things hot in a long term relationship or trying something new. Of course those two things often go hand in hand and that may be why you’re here on Sensuali. You’re in the right place!
Here are some factors to think about in advance when considering a new experience.
Ask yourself why🤷♀️
WHY do you want to have this experience? Try to go deeper than “Well it’ll be a bit of sexy fun, won’t it?”. Identify what you’re hoping to gain, what type of new pleasure you want to experience, what you want to learn and how you want to feel afterwards. This will help make sure you go into the encounter with the right mindset to achieve those things.
If you’re going on this adventure with a partner, talk about why you each want to do whatever you’re thinking about. You might assume they’re coming from the same place as you, but assumption is not an adequate plan here. You need to KNOW, not to assume, wonder or hope. Talk to each other!
Lay down your boundaries❎
Decide your ground rules. Whether it’s going to a sex party, booking an online sex worker, venturing into a BDSM dungeon… What are your boundaries? We can get fixated on what the other person or people’s boundaries are – especially when buying an intimate service – and while that’s really important, also tap in to your own.
Consider communication🗣️
If you’re having an experience along with your partner, how will you communicate during it? The traffic light system, from the kink world, can be useful here. In one word you can describe your position. ‘Red’ means all play stops immediately (with no question or judgement); ‘Orange’ or ‘Amber’ means “I’m ok with what we are doing now, but don’t want to take it any further”; and ‘Green’ means “It’s all good, let’s keep moving!”
Allow yourself to take it easy🐌
If it’s going to be your very first time, try to view it as a reconnaissance mission. You don’t need to live out every gang bang fantasy you’ve ever had at your first sex party… It’s better to take it slow, have breaks to check in with how you’re feeling, and properly savour each moment. View it as the first of many such experiences. Yes, I know you’re excited, but going in with hopes that are too high can mean you put pressure on yourself and/or get disappointed. Much better for the opposite to happen.
Prepare your mind and body🧘
Sex almost always involves a physical experience (as well as a mental, emotional and psychological one). Assuming you are planning a bit in advance, try to make sure you are on your best form when it comes to the day/night. If you can, for a few days beforehand, keep stress levels down, get plenty of sleep, eat well, move well, hydrate. This is about feeling good more than looking good.
Good vibes between all involved👍
If you’re going to an experience with a partner, make sure the relationship or fuck-buddy-ship or whatever you have, is on good form too. Have quality time beforehand, connect, talk about what’s going to happen. Where I’ve seen it go wrong it’s usually because partners haven’t talked properly beforehand and have turned up to an experience already disconnected or on different pages.
Acknowledge nerves😰
Nerves can wreck things but they don’t have to! Think in advance, what you are nervous about and how you can mitigate those concerns. It’s better to face these beforehand than try to ignore them and have them all hit as you’re about to ring the sex worker/Dom’s doorbell or have your first lapdance or first threesome. I suggest writing all your nerves down then giving them some thought one by one. Take whatever steps you can in advance to put them to rest.
To help with nerves, find out in advance as much as you can about your upcoming experience. Know where you are going, plan how you’ll get there (and home again), what you should wear and anything you should take. If you have any specific access requirements check those out in advance too. Don’t be shy to ask service providers/party organisers, they’ll be glad you’re taking it all seriously and planning ahead.
One more note on nerves – getting drunk or high before an experience is not the way to ensure you’ll enjoy it. Quite the opposite. In my opinion if you really can’t go ahead without being in an altered state, you shouldn’t be doing it (that doesn’t mean not at all, ever; maybe you just need to start off with an experience that’s milder, or plan more, or talk through your nerves with someone). It’s far more likely to go wrong, or be unsafe. And if it is in fact amazing, you might not even remember it. What a waste!
Remember aftercare🫂
Lastly, think ahead about aftercare. What will you do the day after your experience? I suggest not having any important plans, making sure you can get plenty of rest, and having someone to talk to about your experience. To learn from what’s happened and integrate that learning into your sexual being – in order to keep on having even more satisfying and pleasurable new experiences – we need that processing time.
Follow these steps and you’re much more likely to enjoy the run-up to your experience and have a super-hot time, with no regrets.
Wishing you epic delicious pleasure, whatever you decide to explore through Sensuali! If you’d like my coaching help in planning for your experiences, just reach out to me via my Sensuali coaching profile. I love to help people on their journeys to sexual fulfilment.
Learn more about Ruth Ramsay.
Explore erotic experiences on Sensuali today.
Ruth Ramsay
Ruth is an adult sex educator and coach, UK Erotic Award winner, TEDx speaker and erotic expert. She coaches clients 1-2-1, runs an online course The Passion8 Programme four times a year, and regular online workshops with titles such as ‘Your First Sex Party’ and ‘Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies’.
