Normally we imagine bicurious people to be at the very start of their sexuality exploration, having never kissed or touched someone of the same sex as of yet, but being interested in trying so that they can decide whether they are in fact bi or not. It’s different for 30 year old Jasmine, who has dipped in and out of exploring her queerness since the age of 19 and remains bicurious for the moment.
When did you first identify as bicurious?
Only three years ago did I say I was bicurious, so age 27.
Before then, what did you identify as?
At first I thought I was straight. Then when I was about 15 I used to look at pictures of women in magazines and touch myself over them. I was so ashamed and never told anyone. I never questioned that I was sexually into boys still- I had boyfriends throughout school and enjoyed the sex I had. But the idea of being into girls made me think that everyone would think I was a weirdo or something.
When I was 19 and moved from home I told a couple of friends that I was bisexual. I started to see it as something normal, and even sort it was better to identify as bi or pan rather than as straight. After all, we’re all just human beings- surely we can all be attracted to each other, However, at this point I still had never done anything with a girl, not even a kiss.
Why are you bicurious rather than bisexual?
So going from bisexual to bicurious is a weird one. Normally it’s the other way round, right? I just started to question myself. By the time I was 24, I hadn’t done anything alone with a girl but I’d had threesomes with another girl and a guy, and always with the girl I never felt that turned on. It felt alien to me and very performative. It’s possibly because there was a guy there watching, it felt like we were just putting on a show for him. Either way, it made me question my identifying as bi. From that I started to wonder whether I could ever do anything serious with a girl. And I don’t know if I could, even if it is just social conditioning, right now I haven’t been able to imagine it properly.
What does being bicurious mean to you?
To many people, being bicurious is a short transitional period. To me, it’s more of a long term identification, it’s not like I haven’t ever eaten pussy, and I’m curious to see whether I might like it. It’s more because I have eaten pussy, but I didn’t enjoy it, and yet when I fantasise about it, I can easily come. For me, I will identify as bicurious until I manage to shake off whatever it is that holds me back in the moment, be it fear, social conditioning or internalised homophobia.
Do you find yourself behaving differently with women compared to with men?
Massively. I think this is part of my struggle with it all. I feel like two completely different people in my attraction to women and men. With men, I’m incredibly submissive and because they’re *men* I sort of play up to a weird male fantasy, and I enjoy playing up to it to be honest. With women, I become very dominant, I sort of become the typical ‘man’. I’m quite sexually bound by dominant/submissive roles, it’s what turns me on, so I really enjoy doing that- but it’s so different to what I’m used to that it also confuses me when I act like that. I guess it makes me realise how much both of my sexual ‘personalities’ really are acts.
Can you imagine yourself in a relationship with a woman?
To tell the truth, not right now. I’m just so used to male relationships. I just can’t properly imagine not being in a relationship with a guy. It’s also that most of the time I feel I can’t have a romantic connection with another woman because when I meet them, I can feel that they immediately write me off as straight because I look like a basic bitch. So it’s like I have to really lay it on thick for them to understand that I’m attracted. So yeah, so far, I’ve never had a real romantic connection with a woman. For some reason, I can imagine having a proper relationship with a woman a bit later in my life, when I’m more confident in myself and I’m fully over playing up to pathetic male ideals for validation!
Is there anything that stops you from exploring your queer side?
Women scare me! I don’t know in reality, how I would act around them in a sexual sense. It’s only when I’m drunk that I have any confidence to flirt with women. Other queer women scare me especially because they might feel that I’m not worthy of being one of them or they might not be attracted to me. With men, I’m a lot more comfortable, I know exactly how to navigate them, know what turns them on.
Do you have any worries about your sexuality?
My biggest fear is that my attraction to women is rooted in objectification, and like enjoying the unrealistic fantasy and hyper-sexualisation of a woman, and then when it comes to the reality, that’s why I seem unable to take it further. I would really really hate that to be true. But I don’t think it is. I think I just need to get over my fears and actively explore more.
Another fear is the fact that it’s almost cool to be bi in this day and age and sometimes I’m scared that I’m almost following the crowd. However, if that were the case surely I would try harder to present myself as queer looking.
As a bicurious, do you feel welcome in the queer community?
Hmmm, it gets mixed responses. I think sometimes people definitely feel skeptical about it, especially because I don’t look gay, I look like one of those women who just say it because they know men find it hot haha. However, other people, including my best friend who’s bisexual, have been really welcoming, which is how it should be!
What do you think the future holds for your sexuality?
I’m going to start actively trying to date women. I think I’ve been unsure for so many years now because I just haven’t made enough effort to actually sleep with a woman. With guys, you get used to being approached, so it’s out of my comfort zone. I guess this is where dating apps come in handy- it immediately shows to a woman that you actually are swinging that way. Hopefully that way I can start to see whether I am actually bisexual or whether my queerness is just reserved for fantasising!
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
