We sit opposite each other in the cinema bar. We’re here for our monthly film-going meet up. We sip on cuba libres and pick at our XL box of popcorn sat between us on the table. In her pinstripe button down dress with a huge white pointy collar, her slashy black eyeliner and her backcombed hair, she looks the part as always. As I start the interview, she taps her foot and begins to chew on her nails.
When did you first cheat?
When I was 17, I was in a relationship with a guy that I wasn’t actually into. We had been friends for a long time. I never had any proper feelings, but we had a good flirtatious thing going on and in the end I thought what the hell- let’s just be together for a while and see how it goes. I never slept with someone else whilst I was with him, but I used to meet up with another guy from school. We’d meet behind the locker building and make out (!) I found it really exciting.
Ever since then, have you cheated in every relationship?
More or less, yes. Normally in very small ways. It’s not like I constantly need to have sex with lots of different people, or have an ongoing passionate affair with someone, it’s more spur of the moment things that just…happen. I don’t go searching for it, but if I find myself in a situation then I tend to go along with it. For example, if I’m going out and someone starts dancing against me and being a bit touchy, if I’m enjoying it then I’ll dance back, I might kiss them, and just enjoy that moment with them.
Why do you do it? Do you feel bored in relationships?
I don’t feel bored at all in my relationships most of the time. I’m also not dissatisfied with the sex. It’s just that in general in my life I like to live in the present. I like to act on my instincts. These little moments of thrill are important to me. They’re part of my freedom. Hedonistic it may be, but one of the greatest pleasures in my life is flirting- that tension that bubbles beneath the surface. They’re beautiful, those moments, but they hold no weight, they disappear the next day as if they never happened. If I restricted myself and forced myself to regret my instincts in those moments, I think gradually over time I would feel crappy.
Do you feel guilty?
Most of the time I don’t feel guilty, because I don’t cross certain lines. I don’t betray my emotions, I’m not emotionally attached to these people, in my head, my partner has my heart. These instances to me are just an extension of flirting. Flirting in inevitable, people are always going to flirt- even if it’s inadvertently. A kiss, a little bit of touching, is just a tease, but it won’t go any further. There was only two times where I felt guilty. One time was when I slept with someone. It felt wrong. Being so intimate with somebody else felt too close to the bone. In feeling the shape of this person’s body, I couldn’t help but immediately compare it to my partner’s body. It was too much. I felt so guilty, and sad, it completely removed any excitement. The second time I felt guilty was when I caught feelings for another person whilst I was in a relationship. That felt like real betrayal to me. You can’t control your emotions, they don’t lie. It wasn’t a choice, which is what made it cut so deep. It disturbed me to see that I could fall in love with someone else when I thought I loved my partner. I betrayed them, and I betrayed my own emotions; I knew there was no other option but to end the relationship.
How do you think it affects your relationships?
In regards to those times I just spoke about, it definitely impacted the relationship negatively because it’s so hard to hide the guilt. It disrupts the flow of the relationship. But my usual little flings are so weightless to me that they don’t affect anything. In fact, I believe that they improve the relationship. I think if anything’s worse than cheating it’s repressing your desires. It just makes you long for it even more- forbidden fruit etc etc. It probably sounds ridiculous, but I think the way I play with other possibilities is natural and healthy, at least to me.
Of course, if my partner found out, it would obviously affect the relationship and possibly end it. But I try hard to make sure it stays secret and never advances beyond a one time thing with each person. There’s a line in that Nancy Sinatra song, ‘Bang Bang’ where she says ‘you didn’t take the time to lie’ and I love that. I mean I might be morally corrupt but at least I take the time to cover my tracks! I care at least enough to do that. I would never want to intentionally hurt my partner or damage their ego- it’s nothing to do with them, it’s to do with me. I know this is an unconventional viewpoint, but it’s true that what people don’t know can’t hurt them. Because I know that they won’t find out, that’s how I can view what I do as genuinely harmless.
Why not opt for polyamorous relationships?
Because I don’t want to be in serious, emotional relationships with various people at once. I have always suggested to other partners before entering the relationship, that we could both do what we wanted sexually with other people still. But that never flies. So then I really don’t want to let them go, but I also want a little bit of freedom. So I choose that, I choose to be selfish, whilst taking care to never hurt them.
How would you feel if you found out that your partners were also cheating?
Here’s where it’s a little hypocritical, because I would maybe be shocked and hurt at first. I would feel as if I weren’t enough and it would affect my confidence definitely. But if we were upfront about it from the start and agreed to it, I think I would be fine with it. The thing is, maybe my current partner is doing it, and maybe my past partners were doing it, but I never found out- it never became a known reality to me. And they never made me feel like they were, I never felt paranoid. And as weird as it is, I think how secure people make you feel is sometimes more important than the reality of what they might be doing. For example, my ex was faithful (I think) but he was very quiet, off-grid and mysterious which made me really paranoid that he was up to something. That really affected my self esteem. Whereas another ex made me feel so secure and good about myself, that even if he was unfaithful, he never made me feel that way. That’s what I try and do- I try to make my partner feel good, and the time we spend together is really special. To me, that’s what’s important, living the present moment truthfully.
Would you encourage other people to cheat?
Not at all- I’m not an advocate for cheating. And I’m definitely not an advocate for intentionally hurting someone you love. I don’t actively agree with it and I barely think about it in my day to day life or actively seek out people to fuck with. I do it if I happen to be in a circumstance where it feels natural. I think ultimately it’s down to each individual. Don’t go against your own emotions and boundaries. Don’t cheat to intentionally hurt someone. Do what feels true to you. And remember, it’s your life! You only get one.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
