Bro, Did She Friend Zone You?

Bro, Did She Friend Zone You? Or is she a multifaceted individual whose value and existence isn’t defined by your 2-dimensional view of intimacy which you hope to achieve through performative actions?

If the sentence above makes you upset, then this is for you. If the sentence above makes you laugh, then this is for you. Honestly, I think this piece is going to make us feel a lot of things because we all have a story attached to it.

For such a harmless sounding concept, it hurts everyone involved. All this time getting to know someone, spending sincere moments together, and feeling your relationship grow for all for it to end with him ghosting you because you said no to his advances.

How could you be such a selfish bitch to have boundaries and recognize his acts of kindness as calculated moves to have access to your body? You’re telling me you’re not going to have sex and become his girlfriend because he believes all relationships with women end in marriage?

The absolute monster you are for making him feel rejected by reminding him not all relationships end in romantic love while simultaneously maintaining your worth and preserving the relationship between you two.

So what is the friend zone and why are nice guys so terrified of it?

According to Google, the friend zone is “a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other”.

By the way men speak about this, you’d think they were experiencing war flashbacks. While having feelings for friend is complicated, we’re going to dig deeper into the problem that this term and mindset creates regarding intimacy.

As hard as I try to think back to when I first heard and believed about the friend zone, I can’t really remember learning about it directly. What I can tell you is my fears as a boy to teenager changed from quicksand and the Bermuda Triangle right to having girls wanting to be ‘just friends’ with me.

That sentence alone speaks volumes about the male experience. The worst thing late teenage/early 20s me believed could happen on a date was they would want to be my friend.

No concern in the world about my physical safety, disclosing my sexuality, discrimination of my identity, or anything that anyone who isn’t a white cis male thinks about before to meeting someone new.

There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to your friends.

If you’re already sharing the same values and interests, finding them beautiful isn’t a bridge too far. The problem is when you limit their value and measure your relationship to if you have a chance of sleeping with them or not.

Does the friendship conclude if they say no? Was there any value outside of your own desires between the two of you? Now I’m sure some of you have questions and arguments so let’s get into it together.

“They’re clearly flirting with me” Brother, we really need to open up more to each other regarding compliments.

Masculinity should not chain down your ability to tell your boys you love them, you think they look good before going out, expressing that you miss them, and basically any basic form of empathy in a healthy platonic relationship.

Do you only reserve compliments and affection to people you’re attracted to? I used to believe everyone was flirting with me even if they complimented my shoes, but that’s just them being kind at the end of the day.

Remove the idea that a compliment is used for some sort of exchange from the other person. Tenderness should not be limited to your interactions with women and kindness is not a synonym for flirting.

 

Men have been socialised to only see women sexually or romantically

The more I go down memory lane, the more I realize that from a young age, relationships with girls were always treated differently by those around me. Specifically speaking it was my elders.

There were never any weird comments or tones when I’d say I was going to the park to see Jeremy. If I said I was going to the park to see Heather, all of sudden I’m hearing “Ooooo’s” and double meaning comments from grown-ups which obviously shape these relationships from a young age.

“Is she your girlfriend?” I’m 9 and still order chicken fingers since I’m a fussy eater. I don’t even know how a phone works, yet I’m capable of having a full relationship? Why does it feel embarrassing to hang out with a girl my own age?

I found myself getting upset as a boy and not wanting to go anymore with a girl. This experience is something a majority of men have had since they were boys and obviously that creates this notion that all relationships with women are limited to being explicitly romantic.

It took a really long time before those undertones went away. By long time, I mean till my mid-twenties when my own father would still imply everything was a date or ask “Why aren’t you together yet?”

It’s fucking annoying at the end of the day and it makes you believe that it’s impossible to be friends with women without it ending in hallmark movie relationship. If I spent the night at someone’s house doesn’t mean we had sex.

Silly me for it be too late for public transport, not wanting to drive home drunk, having a movie night, or having plans together the next day. Clearly being present under the same roof as a woman has to mean we’re fucking.

Intimacy doesn’t have to be limited to romance or sex

“We do things like we’re dating, so why not make it official?” Why do you need such a strong label to begin with? It’s your story and your relationship, so it can be whatever you want it to be as long as it makes sense between the two of you.

Intimacy takes on different forms and not every form is for everyone. The problem is not you spending time with them, it’s the notion that it has to turn into something explicitly cookie cutter romantic because that’s how the world “works”.

You guys cuddle from time to time, so now you have to get married? If I had to tie the knot with every single friend I’ve shared a close moment with, there wouldn’t be any room on my fingers and my toes for all the rings.

Don’t be ‘nice’ and expect something in return

“I treat them right so it would make sense they should date me” Me and local postman have mutual respect, so should we date?

He brings my mail on time, we chat and ask how each other are doing, so I should date him strictly because of that? He lent me his lighter once and I guess that means he really wants to take it to the next level. Maybe he’ll propose to me the next time I order something online

Love and respect are not restricted to dating. Also if you’re treating someone with kindness in hopes for them to be intimate with you, that’s deception.

Once again it ties back to this notion of a one-sided friendship where you’re only seeing your actions and relationship as method to be in bed with them. That’s not equal and it’s not fair to the other person.

They’re being sincere with you while you are manipulating your own behaviour for a specific outcome that only benefits you since your “friend” is not aware.

For you to understand how devastating it feels to find out that a person that was close to you was only pretending to be your friend to get in your pants first requires you to see women as actual human beings.

Misogyny is always involved in this type of misery. If you meet someone and you’re attracted to them right off the bat, make your intentions clear. Communicate and respect their answers. Being dishonest will end in emotional pain.

Don’t draw it out into some game where you are performing affection so they can see what a “great guy” you are. Hiding your intentions and treating a relationship like a tank you can fill up with positive actions to unlock intimacy doesn’t make you a good person.

If they say no it doesn’t mean try harder.

“She wants to date a guy like me, but I’m a guy like me” I remember being told that a few times and my fragile little ego felt hurt. The reality of that statement is they see qualities in you that they admire.

Of course, I’d want to be with someone who has characteristics like my friends because that’s why we’re friends. It’s goofy to be hurt when someone says that and once upon a time I was a silly goose. You’re going to date someone the complete opposite of those close to you?

It’s moments like this where it’s completely fine to acknowledge that you’re not the guy. Not because you aren’t amazing or beautiful, but because you can’t give that person the love they’re looking for. You can try all you want and each time it doesn’t end well.

Witnessing my friends find their partners is such a joy because they’re happy. They’re with someone who is giving them all the love they could ask for and more. Why would I even compare myself and take it a step further to break my friend’s heart by trying to be something I’m not because of ego?

No one wins with that style of thinking. If being you helps her find the person of her dreams, that is the biggest compliment you can ever ask for.

I can’t send this article to my younger self

I’m aware this comes off as I’m policing your relationships and feelings, but the reality is I don’t want whoever is reading this to ruin sincere relationships because of patriarchal system that’s ingrained in our minds since we were kids.

I’ve made those mistakes as a young man and just because I might never know who you are doesn’t mean I don’t want you to have a wonderful life surrounded by people who truly love you.

Back in university I remember disregarding my best friend’s concerns for me because she wasn’t my girlfriend. I watched her eyes change and her shoulders drop because I shattered her heart in that moment. Years of friendship tossed in the garbage like scraps because she simply cared about me.

I’ve been the asshole and regardless of understanding with time all reasons why I behaved like that, I still accept accountability for my actions. Luckily, we’re still friends today and there’s a lot of love there. That took work and a lot of unlearning. Bless her for being patient with me.

I would have lost someone so important because there was a time where I believed I should only listen to women if I was romantically involved with them. I don’t want you to be that guy and it’s not too late to stop being that guy.

I can’t send this article to my younger self, but I can try my best to speak to you.

Don’t buy into this shitty masculinity to feel like you’re always in charge and women only exist for emotional labour because it’s going to cost you everyone that ever loved you. Just because that bill hasn’t arrived yet, doesn’t mean it’s not coming.

How outrageous is it to believe since a young age that friendship is a loser’s prize? Emotions are complicated and even more so in our relationships when we grow up with poor ideas. This article can split into many more conversations and they might become future articles.

The truth is there isn’t a playbook on how to navigate our emotions with our friends. Everyone is different and you’re going to have to talk to them. You’re going to ask Chat GPT how to get out of the friend zone?

Boys, the thing we can do is dismantle these thoughts and beliefs so we can actually have real relationships. It’s uncomfortable and it’s necessary. Who knows what your relationships will become, but at least they’ll be authentic.

When did being just friends make us feel like such losers? Being alone and stuck in your “masculine truth” is so much better because you refuse to see outside of yourself? If you want to break something, break these patterns.

Cover artwork by Armando Cabba.

Discover more about Armando Cabba.

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Armando Cabba

Author

Armando Cabba is an artist originally from Montreal. His body of work primarily consist of the duality of portraiture and abstraction along with everything in between. Armando’s work is held in private collections in North America and Europe. After a few years working independently in Italy, he moved to Paris where he currently continues to create.