Coming to Terms With My Internalized Misogyny
My value as a woman is based predominantly on how attractive men find me.
Sure it’s about being the whole package – attractive, intelligent, and likable. But at the end of the day if I’m not sexually desirable, I won’t hold power in the patriarchal society I find myself living in. Or so I once convinced myself. This thought is, of course, not unique to sex workers. It’s been drilled into our heads since the Disney princess days of our youth.
But there’s something about posting your photo on a sex work website, where men essentially bid on you like a piece of cattle, that really makes a girl start to internalize some bullshit – even when she’s had the most feminist upbringing imaginable. I know all the things I’m supposed to retort back with: beauty is subjective; there’s tons of women who are not conventionally attractive who wield great power in our society; true beauty shines from within.
But I think the most helpful argument to combat this statement is owning the fact that yes, pussy power is very real – it’s part physical, part energy based. But it is just one of the many super powers we, as women, possess. If my game plan is to marry for money and live out my days as a trophy wife, then yes the value of being and staying attractive aka holding onto my pussy power is obvious. But that only applies when my power and status stem exclusively from a man. If I can bamboozle a rich guy into funding my business, I can become self-sustaining.
Eventually, my power will stop deriving from my looks and start deriving from the revenue my endeavor generates. So long as I’m making a profit, does it matter that I used a man’s status and power to get me there? Not really. At this point, I can “let myself go” by gaining a bit of weight or forgoing botox – the shallow metrics we use to ascribe value to the female body – without having to worry so much about my diminishing value.
Alternatively, I can opt to forge my own way sans the help of anyone. Whatever path I choose, the key is to measure my value as a woman in relationship to myself not to a man. Do I have financial freedom and security? Do I have strong relationships with people who will stay in my life regardless of how my appearance changes? Do I participate in hobbies and activities that spark joy? Do I have a sense of purpose in life that extends beyond marrying a man and bearing his children?
So long as I am living for myself and not for men, I need not worry quite so much about my appearance. Only when women become overly reliant on men for validation, security, and happiness will appearance be the life or death conundrum the patriarchy tries to brainwash us into believing it is.
Getting older is something to fear.
In the world we live in, youth and attractiveness go hand in hand. This can be especially frustrating for women given all the ridiculous double standards we are subjected to. No one blinks an eye when a man dates a woman half his age but the second a woman dates a guy five years younger than her, society freaks the fuck out. A man’s prospects stay the same as he ages and, if his wealth and power continue to grow, sometimes even increase.
In contrast, a woman — who the patriarchy judges more for her appearance than for the dollar amount in her checking account — sees her dating pool dwindle as she matures. This compounded with the message women receive from the time we can walk about doing everything in our power to avoid ending up as old maids can be daunting. And when you throw in sugar babying, which further perpetuates the whole “powerful, older men date younger women as a status symbol” narrative, shit gets even scarier.
It’s all about embracing the age you are rather than sitting around dreading the inevitable or wallowing in the glory days of the past. There are so many chic older ladies, from Helen Mirrin to Meryl Streep, who exude elegance. I’ll consider myself lucky if I age half as gracefully as them. By the time I’m seventy, I plan on being too busy planting herbs in my garden and working on my 5th New York Times Best Seller to be bothered by the idea of my husband chasing after some twenty year old in a pathetic attempt to reclaim his youth.
I think really living it up in the young body I have now is working wonders for combating resentment later on. I’m out here living my best life, traveling the world, taking lovers left and right. I refuse to be one of those people who looks back and thinks: “I wish I would have taken more risks when I was younger.”
Like the phases of the moon, the phases of human life are natural and should not be feared. An excerpt I found on the Global Sisterhood Instagram says it all:
With the obsession of youth, women are often encouraged to perpetually stay in their ‘maiden’ phase — the enchanting, sweet, innocent, (yet not too innocent), sexy, (yet not too sexy), self-doubting phase. The maiden is beautiful, eager, curious, magnetic, fun, creative, but also insecure. She looks to the culture around her to define her and to validate her.
This is natural and important, especially for young maidens. When we are young, we look to others for example and self-validation, but we are not meant to STAY in this phase. If we stay in this place it leads to comparison, self-judgment, jealousy. We can feel unfulfilled because we do not rise into our purpose as women shaping the future culture of our world.
At some point, we are meant to grow into the Mother Phase (even without children). This means we must DO THE WORK to let go of the cultural programming that is not aligned with our deepest truth or our visions for our world.
This is a deep and often confusing transition because it requires letting go of our attachment to beauty and attractiveness being our greatest strength and focus.
Unfortunately, these important rites of passages and initiations are not often spoken about. Instead, women begin to feel isolated in their transition from maiden to mother or mother to crone. When relying on the natural enchantment of the maiden begins to lose its feeling of alignment, and when the glow of youth fades and a yearning for greater purpose begins to emerge, women can feel deep grief and fear.
The Mother Archetype is embodied in her truth. She is less questioning of her voice. She is moved by a greater sense of love and purpose so she spends her time creating and cultivating for her “family” and rises up even when she feels fear. She spends less time worrying about others’ approval and more about the state of others’ wellbeing.
All men really want is submissive.
I can’t speak for all men but I can say that most of the guys I’ve slept with in my 27 years around the sun have preferred taking on a more dominant role during sex, with sugar daddies skewing especially dominant. I find the whole daddy dom thing incredibly hot but sometimes I question whether such a preference has something to do with my own internalized misogyny. Sexual dominance is one thing. Spending time with someone who is dominant in their job, in bed, and in their interpersonal relationships is a different beast – one that threatens to erase your own sense of assertiveness if you don’t tread carefully.
Naturally, a guy who likes to be in charge will prefer to spend time with someone who is a little more passive. Someone who isn’t trying to start fights. An occasional intellectual debate is okay, but nothing too domineering. When you break down the type of woman a wealthy, powerful man like this wants, the preference for younger women makes all the more sense. Younger women are less self-assured, and as a result, more malleable. They are less likely to question you and more likely to comply. They are far less aware of their power and won’t be able to stand up for themselves in the same way their older and wiser counterparts would be able to.
This isn’t to say all sugar daddies are malicious. It’s more just coming to terms with the fact that men oftentimes need women to make themselves smaller so that they can feel bigger. If a woman can play that game and gain something without it tarnishing her soul, more power to her. That might look like a twenty something gritting her teeth while her sugar daddy mansplains over martinis and patronizes during pillow talk so that she can pay off her credit card debt. If she can milk him for all he’s worth without taking his “father knows best” bullshit to heart, why wouldn’t she?
But if you’re the trusting type like me, spending too much time with dom daddies – who, let’s be real, are 9 times out of 10 just broken little boys with serious control issues – can do more harm than good. It can make you default to passivity because suddenly there’s someone in your life to make decisions on your behalf. It can make you shift your priorities second to his. It can make you feel that being submissive is your personality, not just a sexual preference.
The silver lining to spending so much time around toxically dominant men is that I learned a lot about myself. Turns out, I am not the submissive housewife type who aims to please. I do not derive pleasure from toning myself down in order to come across as more palatable. Behind closed doors, I will happily take on the role of submissive slut. But make no mistake, I am not a submissive person and any man looking for that should try therapy first because submissive people don’t exist — only submissive lovers.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
