As a Millennial, I love to complain. As a hippie Millennial disturbed by my generation’s overdependence on technology, I especially love to complain about dating in the 21st century, romanticizing the fuck out of what dating must have been like in the good old days before dating apps. My parents, for instance, met at a party in 1980 and have been together ever since. I’ve definitely been to parties where guys have asked me out but none of those relationships ever turned into anything formidable.
I think a big part of that has to do with the fact that there are (dare I say) too many fish in the sea these days thanks to dating apps – especially in a big city like New York. If there’s one little thing wrong with a guy, what incentive do I have to stick it out and try and make things work? All I have to do is log into one of several dating apps already downloaded onto my phone, swipe right to my heart’s content, and voila – Mr. Not-So-Perfect is a distant memory within minutes of me embarking on the walk-of-shame from his apartment.
The Destigmatization of Premarital Sex
Another element which certainly isn’t a negative but which contributes to the more casual hookup culture of modern times is the destigmatization of premarital sex. Though my parents themselves weren’t brought up religious and didn’t wait to have sex until marriage, much of the world at that time did and as such, things moved slower (on average). The media rarely depicted a woman casually sleeping with men and if it did, it was usually done so in a slut-shamey way.
When I regale my mother – an extremely open-minded, liberal boomer – with tales of my dating life, I often get the sense that her generational perspective simply can’t handle the full truth and have to downplay accordingly. She just can’t fathom what it’s like to be a Millennial woman living the fast life in New York City, where it’s standard to fuck on first dates, have multiple dick appointments a week, and dabble in polyamory.
Shifting Social Norms
Younger generations are disillusioned by power structures and social norms of the past. We are actively working to de-program ourselves from buying into the whole girl-finds-husband-has-his-babies-and-lives-happily-ever-after narrative. With the unprecedented number of divorces in our parents’ generations, doing so isn’t all that hard. We’ve seen behind the fairytale curtain and shit ain’t pretty.
Many of us have to come to realize that monogamy is a social construct and as a result, are far less fussed to settle down (emphasis on settle) than twenty and thirty-somethings before us. Given the dire financial straits of Millennials and the existential threat posed by global warming, loads of people my age don’t envision themselves ever even having kids. And thanks to the normalization of women in the workforce in combination with improved fertility treatments, couples who do want to start families have the option to do so later than ever before.
A “Me First” Approach to Life
It’s been drilled into us – oftentimes by our own mothers – how important it is to have a life before we get married and have children. “Make sure you’re financially independent. Take the time to travel and see the world when you’re young. Never make a man your whole life” are snippets of advice that have been doled out to us since before we could even wrap our heads around what it meant to be in a serious, committed relationship. As such, we’ve been given permission to focus on ourselves in a way our parents never had the chance to.
As someone from the most individualistic generation who lives in the most individualistic city in the most individualistic country in the world, I acknowledge my privilege. To be able to focus on my self-growth without the pressure of satisfying other people’s agendas (i.e giving my parents’ grandchildren or becoming a doctor to bring honor to my family), has allowed me to really form a sense of who I am, what I stand for, and my path in life independent of external expectations. I like to think this will, in the long term, empower me to be a better partner and parent.
However, it has resulted in a bit of a delayed adolescence. Because I have no responsibility other than to myself, I have not had to deal with the same mature life themes my parents did when they were my age. I think there’s also a sense of reluctance amongst my peer group to enter into more serious relationships because they want to make sure they are 100% good on their own first. While the sentiment behind this is sound, the reality is that no one is nor ever will be perfect. We can delay settling down so that we can find ourselves as much as we want, but biological clocks are still very real and must be considered amidst the widespread shifts occurring in dating culture.
Poor Socialisation
Let’s rewind a second to that bit about meeting a potential beau at a party. More times than not, the only guy willing to approach a woman he doesn’t know standing in the corner alongside her posse of gal pals is either super trashed or a cocky fuckboy who has plenty of practice going up to women and asking for their numbers. The sad reality is that most people my age are more than a tad socially deficient. We all go through that awkward phase as a teen where we’re super shy and in need of some liquid courage to hit the dance floor or strike up a conversation with a handsome stranger.
The difference between my parent’s generation and my own, however, is that my parents were forced to grow out of it. They did not have the iPhone security blanket to whip out the second an awkward silence arose. For better or for worse, people my age and younger do. I’ve literally walked into a party and seen nearly every person with their head tilted down, looking at their phone. Maybe they were texting a friend the address. Maybe they were searching for a better playlist. Maybe they were pulling up their camera to capture a special moment.
There are undoubtedly ways in which smartphones can amplify in-person experiences but more times than not, I think they tend to diminish real life connections. How can someone be fully present when they are so caught up posting an Instagram story of the event they are attending? And with all the flawless, lip-filled bitches sliding into your crush’s DMs, how is the unfiltered, real-life you supposed to compete? So rather than run the risk of being rejected IRL, we opt instead to hide behind our carefully crafted internet personas. We can create a profile with edited pictures and come up with a catchy bio – something that says, “I have substance but am also totally fuckable.”
Feminism Gone Awry
Feminists are just as much to blame for the bizarre, tech-centered mating rituals of the 2020s as anyone else. In a post #metoo world, a number of guy friends have confided in me that they have become far more passive when it comes to making moves in real life, for fear of being lambasted as predators. In no way am I trying to diminish the sexual harassment that women do experience in their everyday lives, from construction workers wolf-whistling to bosses making inappropriate comments about their outfits.
But there is a not-so-small faction of women who are so disgusted by men as a whole (based off of a few bad experiences with a few bad dudes) and who take offense to any man who so much as smiles their way. I get how being constantly objectified can be degrading. As women, we cannot always control how men treat us but we can control how we react. By feeding into this victimization narrative we are disempowering ourselves, while dehumanizing men. At the end of the day, men are just as insecure as women, and are doing the best they can to connect with the fairer sex.
Just because a guy is complimenting your dress does not mean he feels entitled to your body. Take the compliment. Make the exchange a win-win (you are praised, he is validated for demonstrating kindness) instead of interpreting it as some kind of misogynistic declaration. All the women out here waiting for their prince charming to come and sweep them off their feet should remember that just because a man you find unattractive tries to engage with you does not make him a creep. It just makes him a nice guy whose day would be made if you smiled back at him instead of glaring or averting your eyes.
Closing Thoughts
While younger generations are more self-aware and altruistic than generations before them, hookup culture and the technology that facilitates it have created a bunch of socially awkward commitment-phobes. That’s not to say all hope is lost when it comes to dating as a Millennial or Gen-Zer. It just means that we need to take a more proactive approach in creating authentic experiences and forming meaningful relationships than our predecessors.
Spending time with older men during my sugaring days forced me to learn how to put the phone down and live in the present moment. As much as I love to shit on boomers for the mass destruction they have brought about, there’s a lot to be learned from them when it comes to mindfulness and building and maintaining long-term relationships. In the words of Oscar Wild, “With age comes wisdom.”
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
