The Scene: a coffee shop in Bushwick. It’s late afternoon on a Tuesday so it’s pretty dead. Andy and I have just gone on a thrifting excursion and are gushing over our new purchases.
“Is it too late in the day for coffee?” She asks.
“For me, yes. I’m thinking oat milk latte.”
“Perfect,” she responds.
After placing our order, we tuck ourselves into a cozy corner and get to business.
Jules: So give me the t! How has your sugar baby experience been?
Andy: Oh man. It’s complicated. I’m doing it way less than I used to. In my early 20s, it used to be more of a full time thing. Now there’s only one guy I meet up with for a pay-per-meet type thing like once a month. It makes paying rent one less thing to worry about. You know how that freelance creative life can be?
Jules: Yes ma’am. One month you’ll be overwhelmed with work and the next you’ll have nada. It can be scary – having to dip into your savings and not knowing when your next paycheck will come.
Andy: Yup. And COVID hit me hard. Basically all of my clients were mom and pop businesses, so when the pandemic hit, we all got screwed. I had to file for unemployment.
Jules: What was sugaring like during the pandemic? Was there more or less of a demand?
Andy: Hard to say because I was taking a hiatus. In 2018, I’d been sexually assualted by a guy I met on Daddy. After that, I made a promise to never use it again.
Jules: Oh my god, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry to hear that!
Andy: Thanks, but you know you live and you learn. In a way, it forced me to look for more sustainable, less draining streams of income. By that point, l was in my mid-twenties and a bit aimless in life.
When I first started using the site, I was like 19. Back then, it seemed like just what I needed to fund my big city lifestyle. I didn’t see myself as a prostitute – more of a muse to high powered men. “Fuck my way to the Top” by Lana Del Rey was my theme song and I was convinced that this was how I was going to get ahead in life.
But it ended up being way more isolating than I could have ever anticipated. Even my friends who claimed not to judge seemed to judge. They’d go crazy for my stories but I always got the sense that they felt sad for me – like I wasn’t respecting myself or something.
When you start dating a daddy in a more serious way, your life becomes fragmented. It’s not like I could take a 60 year old bar hopping in Brooklyn with my friends without it getting weird. So instead, I’d spend most weekends at his apartment.
With this guy, Adam*, I had transitioned from pay-per-meet to him just paying for everything and me basically living at his place. In a way it was nice – not having to worry about food or laundry. But looking back, I was not enjoying the sex at all. I was just going through the motions to sexually satisfy him.
He never forced me to do anything. But considering he was my sole source of income, it felt like I didn’t have an out. About 3 months in, I became really depressed.
Jules: Damn that’s some real shit. I have sooo been there. I think the DSM-5 needs to add something about this Rapunzel Complex sort of thing – like when the woman is treated like a princess but it doesn’t matter because the isolation destroys her. Just look at Melania [Trump]!
Andy: Yess! That shit is so real.
Jules: So how did things end with this guy?
Andy: I saved up money to leave New York and travel. He knew I was ready for a new chapter. We’re still on good terms. And by the way, when I say “save up money,” I mean finding randos on Daddy and fucking them for money. Adam had money but not crazy money, so he supported me going out and having sex with other guys. That’s when the assault happened..but that’s a story for a different day.
Jules: Gotcha. So how did you end up back in New York?
Andy: COVID basically forced my hand. Plus New York seemed to be where the most job opportunities were. Around the time I moved back, I started dating the guy who would become the love of my life. He was 30 – only 2 years older than me, which like never happens! Even with non-Daddy dating, I usually gravitate towards men over 35.
Jules: Most guys under 35 are children! There’s a reason why presidential candidates have to be at least 35 to run for office. So what made you fall for this guy?
Andy: He was charming, communicative, driven – not to mention hot. He inspired me. He was a super successful filmmaker and was basically good at everything – to the point where it was kind of annoying. Honestly, I never felt good enough.
We came from very different backgrounds. His parents were really strict whereas mine took a more hands off approach. All my parents ever wanted was for me to be happy. I’m lucky in that regard. For him, excellence was expected.
That dynamic was prevalent throughout our relationship. I was the “fuck up,” who had been given every opportunity in life and squandered it. He, on the other hand, had overcome every obstacle thrown his way to become the success he is today. My traumas were self-imposed. His were not. I had no right to complain about anything. He did.
Jules: Wow that’s so shitty. Trauma is trauma. To compare or minimize someone else’s experiences is fucked up.
Andy: Tell me about it – especially because part of me had always feared I’d never be able to have a normal relationship after sugaring for so long.
In the beginning, he seemed really open-minded though. I ended up telling him everything. He was receptive at first, but then got annoyed. He would say “I don’t want to hear this shit.” He’d lourd his relationship experience over mine, constantly, saying stuff like “You don’t know how to be in a healthy adult relationship. I do. There’s a reason I’ve stayed friends with all my exs and you haven’t…”
He regarded himself as a feminist but didn’t respect sex workers. He wasn’t even okay with women dating men 10 years older than them – “A 35 year old guy dating a girl in her early twenties is creepy. Clearly there’s something wrong with him. He’s emotionally stunted.” Meanwhile, it was perfectly acceptable for him to have been the guy in his early twenties dating women in their mid-thirties.
Jules: Double standard much??
Andy: Ya and that was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to our relationship issues. He had a drug problem and could be very verbally abusive. Shit was bad. We ended up calling it quits last February.
That’s when I got back on Daddy. My unemployment money had run out and I had no job prospects on the horizon. That relationship had left me a total mess. My confidence was non-existent. And even though I had promised myself never to return to sugaring, I was desperate. So I made a new profile and began exchanging messages.
A month or so later, Shane reached out and we began seeing each other again. There was no official label. We were both seeing other people but having sex with each other. I was way too ashamed about the Daddy thing, so when he asked me about my sex life, I told white lies. I’d describe the sexual encounters I had but leave out the fact I was getting paid or that the guy was twice my age. He knew something was up though.
Shit ended up coming to a head when he admitted that knowing my financial situation upon splitting up, he’d made several accounts on Daddy to see if I would get back on. “Do you know how shitty it feels to hit you up trying to hang and you saying ‘No. I’m busy,’ only to have you trying to meet up with me pretending to be a sugar daddy.”
I felt so ashamed, like I owed him answers. But at the same time I was pissed.
Jules: Fuck dude. I would be too. That is so fucking creepy! Not to mention all the time of yours he was wasting. Like you’re out here trying to meet men to pay you, and here he is posing as one of them. What the actual fuck?
Andy: Eventually shit got so bad with the stalking stuff that I was able to file a restraining order. We haven’t talked since and the whole thing made me terrified of ever going back on Daddy. Luckily though, I made contact with this guy Dave* before finding out Shane was on there. We started hanging out a few months ago.
Jules: Word. So how’s that going?
Andy: Pretty good! He is super cool. We vibe really well. He’s an Aquarius, I’m an Aquarius rising – it’s a good fit. I really lucked out. He’s a wholesome, liberal boomer. He has a dog and kids, and works as a writer for a well known TV show.
Jules: Aww he sounds sweet. What does a typical “hang” with him look like?
Andy: So I’ll go to his place on the Upper West Side on a weeknight round 7. He’ll venmo me on our agreed upon allowance before I even arrive, which I love. I always hated having to have that awkward convo after a date, or worse, getting ripped off entirely.
He’ll pour himself a glass of wine. I’ll smoke some weed. We’ll cuddle on the couch and talk for an hour or so. Then comes the foreplay, which leads to sex. He won’t even let me touch his dick until he’s gone down on me and made me cum. The first time we had sex, he couldn’t perform because he’d had too much to drink. I was so worried he’d never want to see me again or ask for the money back – neither of which happened.
Jules: Sounds like a standup guy. Way more so than Shane.
Andy: Yup! And I know it’s fucked to seek external validation, but I’d be lying if I said this arrangment hasn’t helped to build back up my confidence after Shane. Dave truly respects me and treats me like a queen.
After we have sex, we’ll cuddle for a while before ordering takeout and watching a movie – last time it was Sushi and the new Velvet Underground documentary. Then around midnight, he’ll send me home in an Uber.
Jules: You’re literally describing my dream date. What the fuck?
Andy: I know, right? It’s just what I need right now. I’m still healing from my abusive relationship with Shane so I’m not ready to dive back into serious dating anytime soon. I’m just trying to work on myself and lock down better paying graphic design gigs so I never have to be solely reliant on sugaring to pay the bills again.
I definitely have some shame around it still, especially considering everything Shane had to say about it. But it’s minimal. When I am ready to find a long-term partner, I’ll look for someone who truly accepts me. I’m already so self-critical, the last thing I need is another gaslighting asshole trying to shame and control me under the guise of empowerment.
Jules: Fuck yes.
*Names and minor details have been altered to protect subject matter.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
