The Scene: a Vietnamese fusion spot in New York’s hip LES. Appropriately, I’ve been seated in a dark corner on the lower level – as if the waitstaff knows the conversation I’m about to have is less than savory. It’s all very neo noir – made only more so upon the arrival of my friend, Em*. Dressed in a tight black dress with a contoured face and red lips, she is the epitome of a femme fatale.
We break character for a minute, reverting back to our little girl selves (high pitched voices and giggles), as all grown up girlfriends do when saying “hi” to each other for the first time in a long time: “Oh my god, it’s been too long!” *hugs* “I know dude. You look fucking incredible!”
Jules: So what’s new?
Em: Well I recently met this guy on Daddy*. He’s starting a ketamine psychotherapy company and is so chill.
Jules: Sounds lit!
Em: It is! He even introduced me to his wife. She’s bi but we haven’t done anything yet.
Jules: Oh word, so she’s dtf?
Em: Ya! When I first met them, I went to their apartment. The three of us hung out for a bit and then she went out with her friends and I stayed there with Brian* (the sugar daddy) and she was like, totally, fine with it.
Later I found out that the whole reason she didn’t hang with us is because she’s getting IVF and her doctor was like “Sorry, you can’t have sex right now while this process is happening.” I don’t really know anything about it but I’m impressed. It’s just fucking insane how cool she is with all this. She’s honestly just like goals. They both are.
The way he talks about her…the way they interact with each other…I’ve never seen an ethically non-monogamous relationship that works so well — where both people actually seem happy. At one point I even said to him: “Sorry if this is a weird question but are you a cuck?” And he was like “No, I just like seeing Christina* enjoy herself.”And that was a total mind fuck for me…the idea of a man being into his partner getting fucked by someone else not because it’s a sexual fetish for him, but because it makes her happy.”
Jules: Wow, you’re really restoring my faith in humanity! The way you’re talking about this guy is different from how you usually describe your daddies. Do you feel like it is?
Em: I’m playing it a bit differently than I have in the past. It used to be more of a “Fuck you pay me,” kind of thing. Like every time I met up with someone from Daddy, we’d have sex and I’d get cash.
But I actually legitimately like this guy. He’s a cool person and I enjoy hanging out with him. So I don’t ask for money every time we hang out – just here and there. I’ll ask him to pay for my wax or help me with rent, and he does.
Jules: So would you consider this more like dating or an actual arrangement?
Em: Connection-wise, it feels like dating. But because he’s married, there’s not as much pressure. We can and we do have something unique and meaningful, but at the end of the day he has a primary partner that he loves very much and who he will always put first.
Jules: It sounds like there’s a safety in that – knowing he can’t get too emotionally involved.
Em: Exactly! He just seems like too good of a guy to ever leave his wife for another woman. Most self-proclaimed polyamorous guys I’ve met want to be able to have sex with whoever but aren’t actually down for the their female partner to do the same. He’s different though. Less possessive, more respectful. It’s refreshing.
Jules: Cheers to the Brians of the world! *holds up cup of herbal tea* So is the sex-for-money thing a fantasy for you?
Em: There’s an aspect of danger that turns me on. Back when I was sugaring in Vegas, there was definitely this “I could get killed and no one would know” vibe that was lowkey thrilling.
I get off to the fact that I’m doing something other people can’t. Most people can’t wrap their heads around it, much less go into these situations and do this shit.
There’s also something freeing about being with a really unattractive guy. It’s like, my ego becomes completely removed. I’m not in my head, worrying about whether or not my face looks okay. I’m able to just let go and enjoy.
Jules: How have your other sugar daddy experiences been?
Em: It really depends on how you play the game. If I’m doing the whole “this is prostitution under the guise of being a sugar baby” bit, it’s a totally different experience than when I approach Daddy as more of a dating app — which is what I’ve been doing more of lately.
I feel more okay being myself. Back when I was using it [Daddy] solely as a means of income, I’d lie a lot more. I’d convince myself I was okay in situations when I wasn’t, and would generally be way less honest with the people I interacted with.
Now that I’m using it as a dating app, my experiences have improved. I’m meeting guys who are more interesting and mature than the ones I find on {Insert name of “normal” dating app here} or in person. Daddy makes things more straightforward, and ultimately, less messy.
Jules: Has sugaring changed the way you approach love and relationships?
Em: Using Daddy has influenced my view of relationships in a big way. It’s harder for me to want to date people I don’t find on the site because of my history. Most guys just can’t relate to the experiences I’ve had. It creates a barrier.
Over the summer, I went home and hung out with this totally normal, age appropriate guy. And I didn’t tell him shit. I didn’t need his judgment. Or to be bombarded with questions — they always think they want to know the answer but the truth is, they don’t.
Jules: Totally. Even though things are better than they used to be, there’s still so much slutshaming going on. I feel like way too often I hear about a guy falling for a woman, in large part because of her pussy power. But once he “locks” her down, he’ll weaponize her sexuality against her. It’s like some weird, bullshit Madonna-Whore societal conditioning. I hate it!
Em: Same! It’s crazy how many guys will claim to be feminists one minute, only to shame you for the decisions you make about your body the next. They’ll play the whole “You’re better than this” card when really they’re just projecting their own insecurities onto you.
Whenever I hear the “You should be using that big brain of yours instead of spreading your legs…” speel, I’m just like “Ya I fucking know, thanks. I know I could be working a different job but I’m choosing not to.”
I’ve for sure had some not-so-great experiences on Daddy, but I can say the same about other dating apps. At least with Daddy, I’m not wasting my time and energy pursuing sexual relationships that don’t give me anything in return.
Jules: Respect! So tell me about the last “normal” hookup you had?
Em: Oh god. *cringes* I hooked up with this 20 year old guy. We work together at the Italian restaurant. It was such a waste of time.
Jules: Was he just a 20 year old who didn’t know what he was doing?
Em: Yes. But I mean I feel like at this point when it comes to sex, I’m good enough with my own body that I can make myself feel good. If they can’t do the shit, I can do the shit to make it good. But the vibes were off. I didn’t feel a connection and he was way too eager — desperate to the point that it was a turn off.
Jules: Yuck. I totally know the type. How do people not get that whole push-pull, law of attraction thing? Even when I am desperate, I pretend not to be. In fact, I’ll go out of my way to give off a “I don’t give a fuck” vibe.
Em: Right? I feel like women are just naturally better at that for some reason. Daddy has actually made me a lot less desperate when it comes to relationships. I don’t seek out external validation. And I’m not willing to settle for anyone who can’t accept everything I’ve done.
When I see other women my age become obsessed with male attention I’m like, “You don’t understand your power. As a woman, you can choose to get validation from literally any guy, no matter what you look like.”
In college, whenever I matched with a decently attractive guy, it would feel like an accomplishment. I’d be all like: “Holy shit! This guy finds me attractive and wants to hang out with me.” Now when that happens, I feel nothing.
Jules: It sounds like Daddy has been a really empowering experience for you. Would you agree?
Em: 100%. Not only has it changed how I see the world, but it’s enabled me to connect with super cool people. Truly nonjudgmental people are rare in this world, but I’ve had more luck finding them on Daddy than anywhere else. My latest sugar daddy, for example, is very open-minded and accepting of my lifestyle.
I used to think of the sugar baby stuff and dating as two separate things. I didn’t care about who I was meeting on Daddy, as long as they paid me. But now I only meet up and spend time with people who I connect with on a spiritual level. I can actually envision myself meeting a long term partner, maybe even marrying someone I meet off the site.
*Names and minor details have been altered to protect subject matter.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
