For the longest time, I feared that my sex work past would make it impossible for me to find a decent, self-respecting boyfriend. Any guy willing to be with a woman who has had sex with loads of dudes for money must have something at least a little wrong with him I told myself, whether it be a fetish for dating and rehabilitating broken-winged women (been there, done that) or an attribute that also toes the line of socially unacceptable, such as being a drug addict (also been there, done that).
But this was back in my era of shame. I bought into such self-limiting beliefs because I deemed myself unworthy of normal, healthy love. After proudly coming into my pussy power as a sugar baby in my early twenties, societal conditioning hit me hard by the time I was 26, thanks in large part to a boyfriend who mocked me incessantly for the false sense of empowerment he claimed sugaring had given me.
The truth is, if you plan on being open and honest about your sex work past (or present), a lot of men aren’t going to be able to handle it. They may try and put the blame on you – i.e “I don’t want to be with someone who has such a high body count,” but more times than not, their reaction is rooted in their own insecurities. Men tend to prefer being the more experienced one in the relationship – both sexually and in life. Such a dynamic allows them to take the lead, a masculine trait they have been socialized to strive for and uphold. As such, when the woman is the one with more experience, most men can’t hang.
But rather than thinking of my sex work past as some dirty secret that would inevitably taint my chances with any normal guy, I switched my frame of reference. Being a sex worker – past or present – serves as a filtering process. It is not me who needs to fear being judged but rather the other way around. If a man rejects me off the bat when I tell him about my past, then he’s shown who he is – someone who is not open-minded enough for me; someone driven too much by the fear of adhering to the conventions of society; someone who prefers simple and uncomplicated to deep and layered.
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but I also know that I am worthy of respect – as is every sex worker, despite what the societal narrative constantly pushed on us tries to tell us. So rather than approaching dating from a “I guess I’ll take what I can get” point of view, hold your head high and remind yourself that you have standards that deserve to be honored. Here are the green flags I look out for in my post-sugar dating life.
He respects your boundaries and honors his own.
As someone who had virtually no boundaries in my first serious relationship post-sugaring, I can attest to their importance. You don’t need to put everything on the table. Even if he thinks he wants to hear it, he doesn’t. Giving a play-by-play of every old man’s dick you’ve sucked and for what amount of money isn’t doing anyone any favors. If anything, it will make him resent you and maybe even make him start seeing you through a lens of objectification.
Of course, healthy relationships are built on honesty and open communication. But disclosing something like, “I was a sugar baby when I was younger,” is much different than diving into the nitty gritty of it all – especially when the relationship is new. In hindsight, when I look back at where my relationship went wrong, I think I was just so excited to finally be with someone who I could be totally transparent with, that I spilled everything – good and bad.
A lot of the trauma I had endured throughout my sex work career had not been properly addressed. Rather than seeking out a therapist, I put it all on my boyfriend and it ended up being too much for him. He didn’t ask for that. I had deluded myself into thinking I was sharing all these experiences for his own peace of mind. But in reality, it was all about me. I wanted a clear conscience. I wanted to release all the secrets I had kept bottled up for years.
That’s why having a support system of people who you can talk to about your sex work experiences – be it fellow sex workers or a therapist – is a must. It really takes the pressure off of your romantic partner and enables you to set and adhere to healthy boundaries.
He’s receptive when you do open up and doesn’t use it against you.
As mentioned above, it may be a little much to lay all your sex work skeletons on the table, especially when things are new, but eventually, you should feel comfortable enough to confide in your partner about stuff without being met by disdain or dismissal. What’s required for this is a man who isn’t too up his own ass. Because a man with an out of control ego will struggle to understand the nuance of sex work.
Sometimes you liked it, other times you didn’t and your partner should be man enough to be able to handle that reality. All too often I hear about my sex worker friends having to downplay their experiences for the sake of their man. They felt truly empowered and independent when they did sex work but now they have to lie and make it seem like it was all some big mistake – a regret they wish they could take back. This perpetuates the narrative that the boyfriend is the knight-in-shining-armor who rescued a damsel-in-distress from a life of sin.
Fuck that shit. But I get why women often feel like they have no choice in such a situation. Because what’s the alternative? Being honest about how into the totally fucked up, uninhibited sex you had with a client or admitting to being turned on by getting paid to have sex. As much as I want to believe that most men won’t use such information against you at some point down the line, my experiences and the experiences of my sex-worker-sister-in-arms tell me differently.
Not only will the average guy be exceedingly jealous and suspicious of you every time you spend time with someone of the opposite sex (because once a slut, always a slut, right?), but he will more than likely use something you told him in confidence against you when a fight arises – especially when it pertains to sex. They love a slut until shit hits the fan, at which point they will try to do everything in their power to diminish you as a person through shame.
Enter the filtering process. Let him tell you who he is, and don’t keep him around if you feel like you can’t be open whatsoever without him weaponizing your truth against you. Sadly a lot of men won’t pass this test, but that just makes the diamond in the rough who does all the more special.
He has a sense of humor and the two of you can joke about sex.
Unsurprisingly, sex workers tend to be pretty open when it comes to sex. They’ve seen it all, which makes them comfortable in their own skin, confident in their abilities, and able to laugh and let go when something awkward or uncomfortable arises — and not just in the bedroom.
I feel at ease expressing as my true, authentic self no matter where I find myself, and that sense of ease is contagious – enabling others to let down their guards down and open up. It’s one of many sex worker superpowers and as far as I’m concerned, possessing this sort of charisma will only serve you well in life. Moreover, having a sense of humor is a great tool for coping with trauma – something most sex workers experience more than their fair share of.
So when it comes to finding a partner, it’s important that he (or she!) is able to roll with the punches and not take shit too seriously. I’m not saying you need to find someone who is just as magnetic and entertaining as you (because let’s be honest, that’s gonna be next to impossible), but your partner should be someone with whom you can joke with – especially when it comes to sex.
Whether it’s confiding to him about the most bizarre request you ever got from a client (in my case, I think it would be putting clothespins on some dude’s balls), cracking a joke when he can’t get hard – something like, “Damn even the 65 year old I fucked could get hard. Should we get you some viagra?” or engaging in a bit of self-degrading humor to gas him up, such as, “As someone who has seen a gazillion dicks in my life, yours is hands down the most beautiful I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing” – being able to address the sex work elephant in the room with comedy and grace will pave the way for a rock solid relationship.
No one said dating someone with a sex work past was easy. We tend to be free spirits who march to the beat of our own drums. We come with a lot of baggage that many won’t be up to the task of unpacking. But at the end of the day, that’s their loss, not ours. For the understanding, free-thinking, emotionally secure men and women who are able to rise to the occasion and treat us with the respect and reverence we deserve, lies a lifetime of deep connection and wild sex.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
