Last year, whilst on a particularly interesting date with a gen-z hippie-type who had three degrees and lived out of thrift stores, I was first introduced to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.
Let me be clear – this was one of the coolest discoveries I made in 2023 (and he was one of the coolest people I dated).
In a report co-authored by Feeld and The Kinsey Institute, 24% of millennials and 27% of Gen X reported ethical non-monogamy to be their preferred relationship type. Though this survey found Gen Z to show an increased interest in monogamy, a similar 2023 survey by Ashley Madison found that 59% of Gen Z agreed that they would consider a non-monogamous relationship.
But how did we get to a point where so many demographics are considering non-monogamy as an attractive option?
Simply put, the monogamyths have been busted. Now the question that remains is: how exactly do we make non-monogamy work?
Myth 1: Non-Monogamy Is Just an Excuse for Cheating
Let’s clear this up: ethical or consensual non-monogamy is not cheating. It is defined by mutual consent, clear boundaries, and lots of honest communication. Those involved in ethically non-monogamous relationships agree to adopt an unconventional type of relationship because A) it turns them on, B) it gives them comfort or relieves pressure, C) it feels like the most natural type of relationship for them, or D) they’re curious to try it out and see how it makes them feel.
Cheating is about betrayal; non-monogamy is about choosing a different relationship structure based on openness and trust. So, whilst the idea of your partner seeking exterior relationships is almost guaranteed to risk feelings of jealousy or insecurity at first, open communication with your partner may help you to move past those feelings and give you some reassurance.
Cheating is about betrayal; non-monogamy is about choosing a different relationship structure based on openness and trust.
Myth 2: Monogamy is “Natural”
Like many of us, I had always been told that monogamy was ‘in our DNA’ – but is this true?
Generally, science has come to view humans as ‘socially monogamous’ – this means that we tend to live with one partner, and we tend to co-partner in duos.
But are we sexually monogamous?
Introducing: the Coolidge Effect, the biological phenomenon showing that certain species, including humans, experience a renewal of sexual desire in response to new stimuli. Though this new stimuli is most often reflected in a new partner, it could also refer to the exploration of new sexual experiences.
Consensual non-monogamy seems to offer a resolution to those who, although in loving, long-term relationships, have found themselves in a sexual rut. So, whilst monogamy is still a desirable option for many couples – it’s not necessarily what we were made for.
Consensual non-monogamy seems to offer a resolution to those who, although in loving, long-term relationships, have found themselves in a sexual rut.
Myth 3: True Love Means Never Being Attracted to Anyone Else
I get it – the fairytale never ends in the prince and princess pursuing ENM. The hot barista who hits on you at Starbucks never leads with, ‘Baby, do you want to join my roster of committed partners?’
But let’s be real: attraction to other people is totally normal, even when you’re in a committed, loving relationship. It’s not always easy to accept (and it never justifies cheating!), but it happens, and it’s better to address it than repress it.
If you decide to tell your partner of your attraction to other people, the key is to do it respectfully, responsibly, and leave them with the space to tell you how they feel in return. Remember: trust and communication go a long way in a healthy relationship — monogamous or not.
But let’s be real: attraction to other people is totally normal, even when you’re in a committed, loving relationship.
Myth 4: Monogamy Equals Stability and Security
This isn’t always exactly correct.
Stable and secure relationships are formed by transparency, communication, and mutual respect. In unfaithful relationships, these morals are compromised; but in non-monogamous relationships, these morals are often valued even more than usual. In fact, a 2017 study found that consensual non-monogamy could provide fulfillment, stability, and a sense of personal growth and development.
In this sense, maybe stability never stemmed from monogamy, but from the trust and openness that we traditionally hoped monogamy would provide for us.
Myth 5: Non-Monogamy is Too Complicated
Is it?
Is it not complicated also to commit to sleeping with one person forever? For some people, this is a daunting prospect, especially at the beginning of a new relationship!
Instead, would it not be less complicated to accept that monogamy doesn’t work for everyone?
Often, participants of ENM find that having sexual partners aside from their long-term romantic partner can help relieve pressure on that relationship. Rather than trying to fit a ‘perfect’, traditional relationship ideal, ENM can allow couples to focus on their relationship without the anxiety associated with the intense sexual commitment that monogamy requires.
Is it hard work to establish these boundaries and feelings? Absolutely! But relationships of all kinds require effort. You still need trust, respect, and ongoing dialogue. Non-monogamy just asks you to be a bit more intentional about how you navigate those conversations.
Sex and relationships are never a one-size-fits-all.
If you’re reading this, and are horrified by the idea of allowing your partner to sleep with someone else – that is totally normal, and totally okay! Equally, if you’re reading this and thinking ‘Damn, CNM sounds like a dream arrangement’ – that’s cool too!
However you decide to approach your relationships, the most important factor is to stay true to yourself, and take time to make sure that you and your partner both feel comfortable with whatever you decide.
It’s true that three (or more) is sometimes a crowd – but sometimes, it may be exactly what you need.
Hannah Honey
Hannah is a women’s health, wellness and culture writer from the UK, now based in Canada. She specializes in working with clients across the globe to destigmatize topics of sex and sexuality, aiming to promote sex-positivity however she can.
