To all my free-spirited soul sisters out there — the ones who never know where the night might take them, I have two words for you: overnight bag.
No one should ever be forced to sacrifice their skincare routine for the sake of dick — no matter how amazing said dick may be. A bit of planning will ensure you have everything you need to spend the night out with a lover in style.
And with some curation tips from yours truly, there will be no need to beat yourself up for lugging around a heavy-ass toiletry bag, should you decide to call it quits earlier than expected.
Just as a digital nomad aspires to fit all of their belongings into a traveler’s backpack, the digital hoe-mad focuses only on the essentials, taking note from the minimalist way of life.
First things first — you will need a solid waterproof makeup bag. It’s not a matter of if but when the day will come that a liquid container decides to explode in there. The best way to minimize the damage is to opt for a more robust material.
- The Glossier ‘Beauty Bag’ is a solid option.
Bad breath is the ultimate mood killer. Save yourself the embarrassment by packing the following:
- A travel toothbrush — preferably one that folds up, so you don’t have to worry about other items getting soggy after use.
- Travel size mouthwash — is it even a walk of shame if you’re not going from one dick appointment to the next, gargling mouthwash and locking eyes with the local drunkard, in your failed attempt to spit it onto the pavement without anyone noticing?
- Floss — easy, portable, and a godsend after eating sautéed spinach for dinner.
- Travel-size toothpaste — hopefully your lover has their own toothpaste (if they don’t, you should run), but it never hurts to have your own. After all, it’s nice to have the option to brush your teeth after giving head in the pub bathroom.
- Gum – never a bad move, especially if your date ends up being the one with bad breath.
Next on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Hoe-mad Edition, are skin and hair care.
- Face wipes — excellent for makeup removal, dabbing cum off of your face, and giving yourself a quick whore’s bath when time is of the essence.
- Travel size containers, for your face cleanser, body wash + moisturizer. If you really want to keep it minimalist, I suggest Dr. Bronner’s, which triples as a shampoo, face cleanser, and body wash, in addition to being free of gnarly chemicals.
- For moisturizing, I find nothing works quite as well as an organic, cold-pressed oil (coconut, Argan, etc.). Post shower, you just run a few drops through your hair and onto your skin – a little goes a long way. It also happens to be the best makeup remover ever. Just add a dollop to your makeup wipe and you’ll be amazed by how easily your foundation comes off.
And for all my dry shampoo girls, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Batiste Clean & Classic Original Dry Shampoo.
And now for some miscellaneous but important items to include in your overnight bag:
- Condoms – you never want to end up in a situation where you’re being pressured to have unprotected sex. Save yourself the headache by packing your preferred brand of condom.
- Same goes for lube – why have uncomfortable, un lubricated sex when you don’t need to?
- Q-Tips — the portable Q-Tip pack will do you right, whether you need to fix your lipstick, remove that not so cute morning-after eye gunk, or pack a spliff (just be sure to rip the cotton tip off first for maximum effect).
- Pack of tissues – you never know when and where these bad boys will come in handy – especially when bodily fluids are involved.
- Hand sanitizer – in a post-pandemic world, this is a must. Sprays tend to be less wasteful and drying.
- Travel size deodorant – for sprucing up post whore’s bath.
- A portable charger – god forbid your Tinder date is team Android (talk about a red flag).
- Change of underwear – preferably a breathable, cotton pair. It might not be the sexiest option but your vagina will thank you later!
- Boric Acid Vaginal Suppositories – sometimes sex aggravates the yoni goddesses. It’s perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re prone to yeast infections and / or BV, these suppositories are a great spot treatment for managing your PH levels (PSA: No this is NOT a douche!).
And last, but certainly not least are your go-to makeup products. Whether you’re the type to fall asleep with a full face of makeup on or the kinda gal who removes it entirely before bed and re-applies in the morning, we’ve included a few sex-proof suggestions below:
- L’Oreal Paris ‘Voluminous Waterproof Mascara’
- Urban Decay ‘All Nighter Long-Lasting Makeup Setting Spray’
- Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink Liquid Lipstick
Now that you’ve got the official hoe-mad run down, it’s time to go slay the patriarchy – one clitoral orgasm at a time.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
