December 3rd, the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, serves as a reminder to reflect on progress and challenges faced by disabled individuals worldwide. While much has been achieved in improving accessibility to workplaces, event venues, and public spaces, discussions around intimacy and sexuality remain stigmatized, despite being fundamental human needs.
My awareness of this issue began in my early 20s, when I met the family of my Irish partner. His brother, severely mentally and physically disabled, faced significant challenges in addressing his sexual needs, a subject the family struggled to navigate. With no access to trained caregivers or surrogates, his mother occasionally took on the responsibility of helping him relieve himself, a solution that felt both moving and inadequate.
This experience encouraged me to explore how different societies address the intimate needs of disabled individuals. I discovered a patchwork of approaches, heavily influenced by cultural attitudes, stigma, and legislation.
The Right to Sexuality and Intimacy
The UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (UNCRPD) affirms every individual’s right to a fulfilling life, which includes the expression of intimacy and sexuality. However, the realization of this right varies significantly across countries.
Leading Examples in Europe
Some European countries such as the Netherlands, Denmark, Belgium, Switzerland, and Germany are pioneering progressive approaches by integrating sexual rights into broader human rights frameworks.
- Tailored Sex Education: Accessible programs address the unique needs of disabled individuals, breaking taboos and promoting informed understanding of their bodies and desires.
- Professional Sex Surrogacy: Trained surrogates provide therapeutic, safe spaces for intimacy and sexual exploration. However, stigma and a lack of full insurance coverage often restrict access to wealthier individuals.
- Empowerment Initiatives: Programs and workshops for women with disabilities focus on body positivity, self-esteem, and autonomy, while services for men provide opportunities for safe sexual release.
Stephanie Klee, a German sex worker specializing in services for disabled and elderly clients, advocates for broader acceptance of these solutions. “Sex and intimacy has been shown to have a very positive impact on people with dementia, improving their quality of life and, in some cases, slowing disease progression. Sometimes a touch helps more than a thousand medications. It’s time for health insurers to recognize this and support access to these services.”
Dr. Philipp Stang, a German sexologist, emphasizes the ethical dimension: “Sexuality is a basic human need and an essential aspect of life for many people in various facets. Sexual assistance and accompaniment offer services to create opportunities, directly or indirectly, to satisfy sexual needs, especially for people who are unable to live their sexuality in any other way due to illness, disability, age, etc. The question is how we can support people in a professional, legal, and ethically justifiable way to live and experience sexuality in mutual consent, especially in the context of challenging life situations.”
Despite the progress made and the concrete solutions available to disabled individuals, significant improvements are still needed. These include better insurance coverage, fostering open discussions, and providing comprehensive education on the topic, not only for minorities but for everyone. After all, disability can affect any of us or our loved ones at any point in life.
The Rest of Europe: Mixed Progress
Sweden, France, Austria, and the UK offer sex education tools but fail to provide concrete avenues for intimacy support.
Shana, a UK resident with a rare bone condition causing chronic pain, shares:
“No doctor ever addressed my intimacy needs, even when I raised how pain affected my relationship. Platforms like Sensuali.com are lifelines for discussing intimacy beyond taboos. I’ve heard that Tantra massage can help, and I’d love to try it to experience the touch I miss so much.”
Other European countries largely neglect the issue, leaving disabled individuals without any formal support systems except some Associations who operate separately from public care.
I was deeply touched by the film “A Special Need” by Carlo Zoratti which offers a moving perspective on this struggle. It follows Enea, a 30-year-old autistic man in Italy, on his journey to experience intimacy for the first time. Rejected by local sex workers due to Italy’s restrictive laws, his friends take him to Germany, where trained therapists work with disabled clients.
Enea’s poignant wish to the surrogate “I don’t want sex; I want you to be my girlfriend” highlights the complexity of his emotional needs and underscores the importance of listening to disabled individuals about their desires.
In Lithuania, Paulina Bradūnaitė, an industrial designer who explores sexuality and disabilities, emphasizes the importance of customization. “People assume they know what disabled individuals need without asking them. I try to design furniture that best supports the client’s desires, often incorporating features like bounciness for those with limited strength.”
“Sex for me is my only pleasure with someone who understands me. It is a universal language that helps me to forget my physical condition” share an autistic man in the Spanish documentary “Yes we Fuck” which explores the sexuality of people with functional diversity.
The BDSM community also offers therapeutic avenues for some. Roger, a Vienna resident with a spinal cord injury, finds healing in submission and impact play “BDSM allows me to reclaim my relationship with pain. It lets me escape pitying glances and live out my fantasies in a space where I choose how I am treated.”
Global Perspectives: The United States and Beyond
In the United States, discussions around sexuality and disability are growing, but access to
services remains fragmented. Advocacy is essential for cultural shifts and systemic support.
In much of the rest of the world, the topic is largely ignored, leaving individuals to navigate their needs in isolation, often facing stigma and shame.
Moving Toward Solutions
The challenges remain as diverse as the human conditions and require to be personalized for every individual. What feels the most essential is to listen to people, cater for individual needs and address the topic broadly beyond taboos.
To truly support disabled individuals, societies must move beyond rhetoric. Practical solutions include:
● Normalizing Professional Surrogacy: Ensure trained professionals are available and affordable for people with disabilities.
● Inclusive Sex Education: Tailor programs to address the diverse needs of disabled individuals.
● Creating Safe Spaces: Offer environments where intimacy and diverse sexualities can be explored without stigma.
Sexuality and intimacy are not luxuries, they are intrinsic parts of the human experience. As we observe the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, let’s bring awareness to the topic and push for a world where no one is denied the right to express and experience this essential aspect of life.
On Sensuali, you can find a variety of sensual professionals who work with disabled clients.
Pauline Marie-Antoinette
Pauline is a poetry writer, performer, experience creator, and intimacy and kinks workshop facilitator. She believes in the power of arts and creativity to be profound vehicles for change and loves to empower people to free their inner artist and turn sensuality into a real art form. Her solo-show, "An Erotic Poetry Odyssey" is an invitation to deepen intimacy, explore conscious kinks while challenging societal taboos. Pauline designs experiences for couples, retreats and workshops in Berlin and around the world!
