As a former sugar baby, I consider myself to be fairly knowledgeable when it comes to BDSM – but only from the sub side. I have friends who have worked as dommes and have always been intrigued and in awe of them. The confidence and assertiveness required always seemed out of reach. I also had a hard time imagining myself donning all latex, wearing stilettos, and slinging a whip without bursting into a fit of giggles.
For the longest time I thought it was merely because I was a sub through and through but lately, I’ve sensed a changing of the tides. As I approach 30, I find myself identifying less with slutty baby and more with boss goddess in charge.
Upon matching with a younger guy on Hinge who has been looking to explore his submissive side, I took it upon myself to do a deep dive into the world of domming. Turns out, there are loads of ways to express dominance outside of the stereotypical femme fatale mistress archetype.
Body Worship
Body worship is defined as “the practice of revering any part of another person’s body, or in some cases their entire body.” Popular body parts to worship include the penis, vagina, and feet. In body worship, the domme’s body is a sacred vessel deserving of praise and adoration. In a society where people – especially women – are taught to hate their bodies, celebrating one’s own divinity is quite the power move.
As a practitioner of tantra, body worship really speaks to me – especially when the woman whose body is being worshiped is referred to as “goddess” rather than the more commonly used BDSM term, “mistress.” You see, tantric philosophy dictates the following:
- Each and everyone of us is a divine being, put here on this earth for a purpose
- We are born perfect and wholesome but societal conditioning fools us into thinking otherwise, thus creating problems within ourselves and in our interpersonal relationships.
- Through the study of tantric philosophy, as well as through the practice of asanas (yoga) and pranayama (breathing), we are able to chod (peel away) away these layers of conditioning.
- The chod process occurs thru reaching a deep meditative state of relaxation, in which we can let go of deep-seated negative emotions that are being stored in the unconscious mind and causing dysfunctions, and begin to express as our true selves.
- When we are able to express as our true selves, we have reached dharma (true selfhood), which essentially just means that we are successfully living out our life’s purpose and are no longer afflicted by ego, neurosis, fear, etc.
Tantra recognizes there to be a female + masculine energy within all of us, known as Shakti (female) and Shiva (masculine). One cannot exist without the other and neither is more important than the other. In response to the dominance of the patriarchy and its preference for god-worship among ancient Indian religious practitioners, however, the tantrics decided to adopt the practice of goddess worship.
Goddess worship encompasses not only the celebration of ancient goddesses like Kali, but of all women. That’s because In tantra, all living organisms are divine, which means that all women are goddesses and should honor themselves as such through rituals like puja, mantra recitation, and self-love.
The BDSM practices of body worship and referring to women as goddesses undoubtedly have roots in ancient tantra, which sure as hell makes my hippie ass feel less like a fish out of water when it comes to navigating this whole dominatrix thing.
Acts of Service
The internet is full of forums debating the difference between pro dommes and lifestyle dommes. Overall, it seems that the pro-domme category encompasses sexed up women who engage with men in a pay-per-meet context. Lifestyle dommes, on the other hand, are more likely to dominate a long term partner by having them perform acts of service, ranging from housework to running errands. I had heard mention of such “slaves” before in the movies but never expected to encounter one in real life. Finding a guy who actually derives pleasure from doing someone else’s chores (without getting paid) seemed way too good to be true.
When I matched with this 23 year old guy, Leo, on Hinge, I felt like I had nothing to lose. As someone who almost exclusively dates men 5+ years older than me, the fact that he was several years my junior definitely made me feel like I was the one in control. I don’t know what about him screamed: “I’m looking for a mature older lady to boss me around,” but I was pretty forward about things from the getco.
After he sent a saucy “I’m on my knees” message, followed by an update about how shit his Monday morning was treating him, I responded with: “I think I have something that will make you feel better,” and sent him the link to my NSFW shared album, which includes 30 or so artsy nudes and videos. That certainly caught his attention. We then started talking about our sexual preferences and fantasies, and before long down Leo was divulging his desire to do housework for me.
In the sake of transparency, you should know that Leo has yet to come over and honestly I don’t know if I even want him to at this point. I think the whole thing was more just an exercise in putting myself out there and exploring what the world has to offer than anything else. With women conditioned to lean into submissiveness, in and out of the bedroom, this brief exchange with a virtual stranger helped unlock something within me – a confident woman in charge of her sexuality. For too long, I’ve let men take the lead, trying to make myself as little of a burden as possible in the process. There’s something really empowering about taking the reins every once in a while, and it’s refreshing to learn that there are some woke ass men out there who are dying to treat us like the queens we are.
Findom
Where body worship and acts of service stem from a nurturing place, findom (short for financial domination) is centered more around humiliation. Urban Dictionary defines findom as “a fetish of power exchange which involves the transfer of money from sub to Domme as an act of ultimate submission, as money is the ultimate representation of power in our modern society.” A self-identifying male sub (also known as a pay pig in the findom community), on the other hand, describes it as “merely another form of escapism for people who struggle with everyday life in this bizarre cash- and self-obsessed modern society.”
Whatever the psychology of the submissive involved, findom sounds pretty lit from the Domme’s perspective – that is if you don’t mind being mean.
Verbally abusing someone from behind a computer screen is certainly less daunting to me than physically hurting someone with a whip, but even so, the empath in me has a harder time wrapping my head around findom than body worship and acts of service. I guess if you keep in my mind that this is a 100% consensual exchange and that the submissive on the receiving end of the abuse is deriving some kind of pleasure out of the experience, soldiering through can’t be all that terrible
As a Florida-based fin-Domme named Haven mentioned in an interview a few years back, “I guess I have a dominant bitch personality. I’m naturally a pretty mean person. I don’t even really feel like it’s work.” She went on to detail a typical findom session: “I’ll do verbal humiliation, where I’m insulting them. ‘You’re such a fucking loser, you’ll never be with someone like me.’” Oftentimes, the pay pig will be jerking off over video as she berates him.
All in all, findom seems like a great option for anyone looking for sex work that doesn’t involve physical contact. Obviously, fin-Dommes can and do meet up with pay pigs they meet online, but unlike sugaring or escorting, it’s not a requirement. A fin-Domme can operate out of the safety of her own home, collecting payments from men who want to be degraded. While it’s not exactly my cup of tea, I can totally see the allure.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
