Never slept with another woman but definitely thinking about it? I interviewed my bisexual bestie to get the scoop on what lesbian sex is really like and how it compares to the straight stuff.
It’s 11pm. My childhood bestie Hope* has arrived at my digs in London for a few days of work (and play). We sit opposite each other on my bed in my candlelit room, sipping on hot chocolate and catching up. We speak about how much we have both changed since high school, how proud we are of each other, and yet how our *essences* have remained much the same.
For the sake of the interview, tell me a bit about you…
I’m 24. A born and bred Northerner. I’m an artist. I’m a scorpio. I love seafood. I also love the Five Guys milkshakes- banana, peanut butter and salted caramel to be precise. I’ve been with my (first ever!) serious girlfriend for 7 months now.
When did you first have sex with another girl?
A year ago. It was a casual affair.
Were you nervous? Why?
Yes. I was terrified. Because I felt too old to have not slept with a girl before. Especially when I’ve known that I like girls since I was very young. It almost makes no sense for it to have taken that long.
How did it play out?
Fine, it’s way more instinctual than you would think. She was much more experienced than me as well. She said to me though ‘You’ve definitely done this before, there’s no way this is your first time.’ I feel like if you know your own body well enough, it’s kind of easy, because when you touch the girl, it’s like you know yourself how it would feel.
Did you scissor?
No. I have now with my current girlfriend. But it’s really not as much of a thing as people think it is- it’s big in the media but in reality It only really works if you’re really in the right position. It’s like the last thing you would go to. It’s way more technical- you have to get *everything* aligned. And you have to be patient- so it’s not really like a passionate thing…
Was your first time different to what you expected?
Yep. It was way more intense. I can see why people think that sex is more than just sex when it’s just between girls- because it is more emotional, and intimate, partly because its reflective of your body, and also because you communicate so much more, even if it’s non-verbal.
Do you think since your first time up to today, you’ve changed much in bed?
Um, yeah but also not too much. I think I’m less concerned about roles now. When it first happened I felt this pressure to be really dominant. And now I’m like no I can still be submissive just because someone doesn’t have a dick. The power play in the sex I have today isn’t as obvious and forced. The power shifts so much- it’s never the same thing twice.
So talk me through an average sex sesh for you today with your girlfriend.
Haha! Okay, it’s rarely when we get into bed to go to sleep. I hate doing it at the times where it’s expected. it starts with kissing, I’m way more sensitive boob-wise, so Liv (gf) starts with that. Then it’s a slow touching, playing, clothes gradually coming off. Then it’s like mutual giving and receiving but fingers- usually fingers. If we have longer (but I feel that we rarely do, it always happens just when we’re about to go out), that’s when we would scissor. I don’t take long at all to come, especially now that we know each other’s bodies so well, it’s so much easier. Liv has always had issues with coming, she’s so detached from her own needs, so she just doesn’t come most of the time.
What are some common misconceptions about girl-on-girl sex?
It’s such a stereotype that people always use strap ons and dildos. Like, we’ve talked about it, and we probably will do it at some point. But it’s so hyped up, because most girls don’t cum from penetration anyway- I never have, so I just don’t get why people think it would be that necessary in gay sex.
Would you say that girl-on-girl sex is an accurate representation of the reailty?
No way! Absolutely not. I don’t find girl-on-girl porn sexy at all. It’s just so clearly made for men. This is a shit analogy but let’s say you were hungry, and you were watching a film, and someone was about to eat this meal, and they were pretending to eat it, you’d be like…’what are they doing?! Are they going to take a bite or…’ It’s like you’re watching them skim the surface of them meeting needs but then not. Because it’s purely for the visuals.
How would you compare sex with girls to sex with guys?
I think to me, I have felt like a masturbation tool very often in straight sex. A lot of the men I slept with didn’t care about making me cum. In the queer women community, girls will pride themselves off making another girl cum, because it’s such a clear indication that it was good.
Obviously there are exceptions to this but I just think that on the whole, girls are less likely to have sex for no reason- even if the person isn’t the reason, they’re doing it as a form of self harm, or as a way to forget about someone else- it’s usually more intentional. I think guys are more likely to have sex with a wider range of people and use it more as a masturbation tool- which can result in sex that feels disconnected. So it means it’s a lot less likely for girl-on-girl sex to feel empty in that sense.
Do you feel your sort of sexual persona is different with girls than guys?
Yeah. With guys I’m trying to be what I think they want me to be. With men, I used it so much for validation, I wanted them so much to want me that I didn’t have any space to even think about what I wanted and whether I was actually enjoying it. Men have these weird unrealistic expectations, they want you to act a certain way and be hot- women don’t have the same expectations. Like a girl would never come out of having sex and be like, ‘Oh my god, she was like a pornstar.’ So it’s just more real as there’s no pressure to be a male fantasy.
Do you feel like you rely on sex for validation with girls like you have done with guys?
No. My connection with girls tends to be so much more intense, so I’m never doubting it. I don’t feel less powerful than the girl- like I need to earn their approval to feel good about myself. It’s just so much more equal. I feel like it’s such a thing in society where women need to feel like men want them and want to sleep with them. It’s only when you realise that the validation is so fake, because most men are happy to fuck anyone, being wanted isn’t rare.
Any tips on how to have great sex with another girl?
Everything is foreplay. I read on Twitter the other day- if you start viewing foreplay as everything beginning from the last time you’ve had sex. Like every little touch is a build up till the next time you fuck- it makes it so intense.
Is there a more dominant or submissive in your current relationship?
It definitely switches. Not necessarily a physical switch, but an emotional one. Like one person will be more teasy and the other won’t be- or one person will be more shy about it. It’s always due to something that’s happened in the day to set our moods in that way- so it’s never sort of a role play that feels fake or forced during sex. Even though we switch, If I had to say it would be that she’s more of a submissive giver and I’m like a dominant receiver- if that makes sense.
Do you ever feel pressured or feel like your girlfriend feels pressured into sex?
No. I have to initiate it because she knows how easy it is for me to feel pressured. We never plan sex because I hate knowing we’re supposed to do it and I can’t get out of it if I don’t feel up to it. I think girls are more familiar with the feeling of being pressured into things, so they’re a lot more understanding about it. I think planning it just sucks the fun out of it anyway! But yeah, I never feel pressured into it
Do you use toys together?
I do if I’m on my own..I aint manual these days- cannot be fucked. Together we don’t- we probably would but it’s not like we need to, and I don’t want to spend my money on a load of toys that we don’t actually need. But I think the older I get, I will want to more- if any sensitivity goes, like when I hit menopause.
Would you still feel nervous to have sex with a different girl in the future?
Maybe yeah. Because in the lesbian community, it’s very role orientated. People are very vocal about what role they are in bed. And like if they’re a top and they meet another top, they will write them off as someone they *can’t* be with. I think that’s a bit stupid. So if I was to have sex with another girl that was like really adamant on her role, I feel like that would weird me out a bit.
Would you feel nervous to have sex with a guy again?
I just don’t think I would. I think it would have to be someone absolutely life changing! I think I’ve had too many bad experiences with guys. And I’ve gained so much experience now on what sex can be- I feel like I’d be downgrading! I’d be noticing the things that weren’t right, the boundaries that men try and cross that women mostly really just don’t.
I don’t even know if I’m bi anymore.. I don’t know if I just needed the validation. I don’t feel any pull towards them anymore because I no longer need the validation.
What advice would you give to girls who have never had sex with another girl before- and are unsure of what to do?
If you’ve never had sex with a girl before- it’s so much more instinctive than you think it’s going to, so try not to overthink it. If you’re not familiar with your own body…get familiar with it, because that will help! And don’t copy porn. Also, remember that everyone is nervous. If you fancy someone, you’re always going to be nervous no matter what you’re doing. Communicate with each other, if you’re uncomfortable- say it- it doesn’t put people off!
*Names have been altered for the sake of the participant’s privacy.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
