If you’re not having sex much, or it has become a pressureful thing to initiate … I wonder if your partner is initiating sex in a way that feels enticing to YOU?
Most of us love to be seduced. But sometimes our partner’s attempts to seduce us can be ill-timed, or we can feel there’s a certain pressure or expectation attached to it.
It’s likely that you both have a different relationship to sex (of course you do! You are two separate humans & with separate preferences)! Let’s explore 6 different styles of seduction, so you have the words to talk to them about what you DO want! (And it might even be a combination of a few of these).
1️⃣. They notice & celebrate you
It’s one thing to have a mind-riveting conversation about politics …. But a whole other thing to have your partner pay attention to the way you speak, the way you look, the way you behave…. I really believe that’s how attraction is built. Paying attention.
And I’m not talking about a generic: “You look nice today”. But really authentic & specific compliments, like….
- “The way you light up when you talk about [xxxx]—it’s infectious.”
- “I love how your mind works. The way you see the world fascinates me.”
- “I love how you express yourself, your voice, your body, your sounds … YUMMY!”
The key is in the sincerity.
When your partner notices little things that make you you, it’s flattering & flirtatious. Plus, if you’ve been together for some time- it feels even more special since it’s easy to take each other for granted.
👉 How to ask for it: Share that you LOVE feeling seen—not just for how you look, but for who you are. Encourage them to share what they notice about you, to express how they celebrate you, and what they find attractive about you!
2️⃣. They prioritise emotional connection
Sometimes, seduction looks like a slow cup of tea and a heartfelt conversation where your partner is fully present.
For many women, emotional intimacy is the gateway to physical intimacy. In other words, feeling like your partner gets you—your thoughts, your feelings, your day-to-day world.
When a partner is really listening—not just nodding along but reflecting back what you’re sharing, and asking follow up questions to understand your inner world—it creates an emotional intimacy that unlocks a feeling of being deeply held & safe (which is key to arousal).
👉 How to ask for it: Let them know that feeling emotionally connected is a turn-on. Invite them to carve out intentional time to check in with you—no phones, no distractions—just real, meaningful presence.
3️⃣. They are playful
Whether it’s a cheeky butt spank while you’re cooking, a flirty text during the day, chasing you round the house, play-wrestling, teasing …. This might be exactly your flavour of seduction.
Think: inside jokes, playful bets, spontaneous dance-offs in the living room, lap dances. You could even purchase a sexy card deck game with playful prompts.
👉 How to ask for it: Share that you love it when they’re playful and not taking sex too seriously, giving them ideas of what you mean.
4️⃣. They are thoughtful
There’s something undeniably sexy about someone who notices what you love—and goes out of their way to make it happen. For example, they plan a dance class because they know you’ve always wanted to learn the tango.
It’s not just the gesture—it’s the thoughtfulness behind it that says, I see you, and I want to delight you.
……but it could even be CHORE PLAY. Yes. Maybe they make the extra effort to remove the mental load off your plate – and pitch in with household chores. HOT!
Maybe they know you’ve had a really long day with kids, so they take the kids off you and makes you a beautiful bath with candles- zero noise, responsibility, or kids clambering on top of you!
👉 How to ask for it: Let them know that small, intentional surprises make you feel adored. Share examples of thoughtful gestures that light you up.
5️⃣. They build anticipation
Sometimes, the anticipation & IMAGINATION is what really gets you going. They whisper in your ear what they plan to do to you in bed, or they occasionally brush your skin with a teasing erotic touch (like running their hand under your skirt, while you’re going about your daily business, which leaves you feeling a little flustered)….. these moments create delicious anticipation.
👉 How to ask for it: Let them know how much you love erotic build-up. Invite them to share their fantasies throughout the day, or invite daily moments of physical affection. It’s important these moments don’t HAVE to lead to sex.
6️⃣. They savour, slow down & remove agenda
Sometimes, the sexiest seduction isn’t rushed or goal-oriented—it’s slow, attentive, and all about the journey. Imagine your partner running warm oil over your skin, massaging every inch of your body while whispering words of appreciation.
That level of presence—being fully there, fully tuned into you—can be deeply arousing. Especially if there is no agenda, or expectation behind the massage. Maybe you feel like sex after, maybe you don’t. 🤷♀️ This is all about relaxation & savouring.
👉 How to ask for it: Share how much you value slow, intentional touch. Invite them to explore your body with curiosity and care, focusing on sensation rather than a particular outcome.
The Bottom Line:
Remember, there’s no one “right” way to be seduced—but there is a right way for you.
Maybe you want to layer in a few of the above! The more you can name and communicate your desires, the easier it becomes for your partner to meet you there. And when they do? It’s a win-win for both of you.
So, what kind of seduction speaks to your soul? What’s one thing you could ask for today? I celebrate your courage in asking for it 😉
Three Additional Factors to Bear in Mind:
1️⃣. If you want to be seduced in a way that truly works for you, you’ve got to be able to name it—and ask for it.
⛔️ Not from a place of criticism (“You don’t do enough of this” “Stop doing this!” 😫)
….. but from a place of desire & collaboration (“I would LOVE if you could do ……, it would make me feel so desired!” 😍).
Why? Because sex can become a sticky subject, with a lot of status tied to it. If your partner gets repeatedly shut down for initiating sex, it’s likely that criticism isn’t going to help them feel desired 😉
So you want to be encouraging & specific with how you like to be seduced!
You could say: “Hey, I love exploring our sexual connection together. I want to acknowledge the sexual dynamic between us, because I can imagine you have stories that I don’t desire you, which I reassure you aren’t true. Could we experiment with a different style of initiation? It can be a low-pressure experiment for both of us, including it being ok if it doesn’t work & I’m not in the mood. Are you open to me sharing ideas?” 🌹👀
2️⃣ Remember that your openness to have sex, can also depend on a lot of things OUTSIDE of initiation style – e.g. your tiredness, stress from the day, feeling “gross” & smelly, kids being awake … these can all interfere with your arousal AND having nothing to do with your partner! When you know what your so-called “sexual brakes” are, you are more able to pre-empt & address these.
3️⃣ The last thing I want to add before you bring these ideas into the bedroom is: I want you to get clear on your WHY. Why is sex important to you? Why do you want sex? Because your partner will feel, if you’re just ‘indulging’ them. Your partner will FEEL if you are doing this out of duty. You gotta really care for & prioritise your sexual connection, for you.
Explore intimacy coaching on Sensuali.
Read my Sensuali interview: Meet sex & intimacy coach: Haneen Khan.
Haneen Khan
Haneen Khan is a lawyer (gasp!) turned sex & intimacy coach. She brings a theatrical twist to her work with Internal Family Systems Therapy - and is dedicated to helping people feel alive & playful in their sex and dating life by helping them to connect to what they TRULY want (in the moment) and feel so damn worthy of asking. Haneen is the creator of a sex & intimacy card deck with Scenario Cards. She also offers 1:1 coaching journeys together with her signature group programme: the Sex Homework Society. Haneen is your resident sexpert, flirting queen, and communication nerd.
