While a small faction of sex workers are lifers, the vast majority of them eventually decide to get out the game at some point. For the longest time I believed that my sex work past would prevent me from ever having a normal, loving relationship. Turns out I was half right.
I am not normal and will probably never have a traditional relationship, but I’m okay with that. Let the sexually repressed Karens of the world have their monogamy and vanilla sex. I’ll be just fine with my harem of men and women at the compound upstate where I’ll be running my Wiccan wellness cult.
For the handful of loser lovers who have shamed me for my sexually liberated lifestyle, there’s twice as many who have found my openness and sense of adventure to be major selling points.
And even the haters can’t hate on the sexual prowess that comes from being a sex worker. Here’s how my time as a sex worker made me a better a lover:
Communication
Though dating apps and 4th wave feminism have done wonders for destigmatizing sex and sexuality, 17th century Puritanical values still permeate American culture. Each time I hear a story about mediocre sex from a gal pal, I die a little inside. How is orgasmless sex still happening in 2022?!
I think it boils down to a couple of things. First off, a lot of women are conditioned to be people pleasers; to just go along with what makes the guy happy. I guess they haven’t gotten the memo that real men derive pleasure from satisfying their ladies. But it’s not fair to put all the blame on the men because there’s a lot of women out there who are so out of touch with themselves and their bodies that they don’t even know what turns them on.
How is anyone supposed to have good sex when one or both parties are incapable of communicating their wants and needs?
Though dating culture has changed dramatically in recent years, the basic formula remains largely intact. Boy meets girl (whether in-person or online), boy asks girl out, a proverbial dance of push and pull ensues, and ultimately, the relationship (whether casual or serious) is consummated.
While there may be a little talk here and there about sexual preferences, more times than not the sex just kinda happens spur of the moment, with little to no communication about expectations.
When I first started sugaring, I was more than a little taken aback by the straightforwardness of the men reaching out to me. Not only would they lay their kinks out on the table within 5 minutes of exchanging hellos, but they would inquire about my likes, dislikes, and fantasies. As a result, I was forced to actually think about it. Whereas before I had just defaulted to following the guy’s lead, now the power was in my hands.
This no bullshit, putting-everything-out-in-the-open methodology has done wonders for my non-sugar relationships.
I’m no longer afraid of saying the wrong thing (i.e saying anal isn’t my thing to a guy obsessed with anal or visa versa) or coming off as too sexual. If a man responds negatively to my forthcomingness then he’s done both of us a favor by showing me who he is and filtering himself out of the mix. Time is saved, feelings are spared, and energy can now be invested into finding a partner worthy of my amazingness.
Health & Safety
Increased communication also leads to more frank conversations about sexual health. Whereas my people-pleasing tendencies used to make it so that I would brush away my borderline hypochondriac concerns about contracting STDs so as not to ruin the mood, my time as a sugar baby made me more confident when it came to confronting men about their sexual health. When there’s a level of transactionality involved, the pressure of ruining the moment is totally lifted. We’re here for one thing and one thing only, so we better feel comfortable talking about it.
Add to the mix the undeniable fact that both you and your client are in a statistically higher risk pool for contracting an STD than the average population, and it’s a no brainer to talk STD testing before so much as a kiss happens. It’s funny what the stigma of being a whore will do to a girl. I was always so cognizant of the fact that if I were to contract an STD while whoring myself out, the world would lambast my behavior. So, I made sure to practice safe sex without exception and get tested at least once a month.
At various points, I also refused service until I saw a copy of a guy’s most recent test results. Additionally, I removed any man whom I suspected wasn’t being completely truthful about the date and status of his last test from my roster – namely uninsured, 20 something fuck boys. I simply couldn’t risk contracting something when my livelihood depended on being clean. What sugar daddy is gonna be down to fuck a girl with a herpes outbreak after all?
Interestingly enough, I have noticed this weird paradox. My sex worker and / or kink positive friends get a reputation for being these care-free sluts, but in reality they are the ones having the safest sex simply because they know they are playing with fire and are therefore going to do everything in their power to mitigate risk.
Similarly, philanderer daddy types with high libidos may, at first glance, strike you as walking cesspools, but in reality they are either married and therefore very keen to do everything in their power to avoid contracting and passing on an STD to their partner or they simply want to keep playing the fuck-any-woman-who-I-can game and know that they won’t be able to do so if they raw dawg an IV-drug user and wind up with HIV.
In contrast, the women in my close circle of friends who have gotten incurable STDs did so while living their best goody-two-shoes life. One of them grew up religious and had parents who refused to let her get the HPV vaccine. She lost her virginity at the age of 21 to her longtime boyfriend and wound up with a potentially cancerous form of HPV.
Another friend had had two, maybe three sexual partners in her life by the time she was 23 and wound up with herpes. Perhaps if these poor babies hadn’t been so brainwashed to feel ashamed about sex, they would have been capable of having more honest conversations with their partners.
Practice
As much value as there is in having one long term partner whom you can get really comfortable and push boundaries with, there’s also something to be said for quantity.
By having had a way above average number of dicks in my mouth, I’ve simply been exposed to more than most women my age. Every guy has his own thing and it’s so fun getting to explore all the different fantasies out there. As a sex worker, your job is to indulge these fantasies up to the point you feel comfortable. From there, you can reflect back on what does and doesn’t do it for you and pay it forward.
One of my favorite lovers once described sex as playtime for adults, and that philosophy has really stuck with me over the years. Yes, there’s something deeply spiritual and intimate about making love to someone whom you are truly in love with, but there’s also something exciting and deeply satisfying about letting go of all this socially constructed nonsense about relationships and the meaning of love, and just fucking like rabbits.
With sex work specifically, I found myself in situations where I was far less in my head and therefore able to really let go and explore different sides of my primal self, free from inhibitions. Before sugar babying, if I was super into a guy, I would overthink the sex, terrified of doing something wrong.
But being a sex worker taught me how to give zero fucks and be in the present moment. Sure, the end game was always making the guy cum, but I just couldn’t be bothered to get all obsessive with someone who 9 times out of 10, I wasn’t even physically attracted or emotionally attached to.
The practice of having sex just for the sake of sex, without all the added pressure of catching feelings, makes it so that now when I do really like a guy, I’m able to remain calm, cool, and collected – at least in the bedroom. There’s also something to be said for the wealth of knowledge that’s been bestowed upon me through my legion of dom daddies.
I always had a thing for silver fox sugar daddies because their years of experience made them better lovers. They passed down their wisdom to me, which I’ve then been able to take into my more age-appropriate relationships
All in all, my sex work past has made me a far more confident lover than I was before. I’m better able to express myself and feel a lot comfortable in my body. That’s not to say it was all sunshine and rainbows all the time. I most definitely have trauma and a tendency to disassociate from sex sometimes, but I think it’s important to focus on the silver linings rather than get stuck in victim mode. The past is the past and there’s no way of going back and changing the course of my life.
After years of shame and regret, I can finally say I am proud of my journey and wouldn’t change a thing about it.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
