In a world where stereotypes often dictate the narrative surrounding gay men and intimacy, it’s rare to come across intimate and soft expressions of gay romance in the mainstream. As a bisexual man myself, I remember growing up and being exposed to gay porn in my teenage years to discover extreme fetish and kinks being displayed on websites as the norm. I remember thinking to myself – is all gay sex really this aggressive?
Of course, it took me a few years to realise that mainstream porn isn’t a realistic representation of sex, but it still reinforces certain ideas. Whilst there are always exceptions, gay sex between men is often aggressive, unemotional and detached, because that is what we have been taught as normal. Being vulnerable and soft is stigmatised, yet this is what we as community need the most.
We can’t learn intimacy from mainstream porn
The problem with growing up in a time where video porn is so readily available is that we start to think that the depictions we see on screens are how things should go down in real life. Watching pornography frequently can also affect how our bodies react during intimacy, with research from Dr. Abdel-Hamid for men’s health stating ‘Delayed ejaculation may be associated with porn use, possibly related to the
significant disparity between the reality of sex with a partner and porn-related sexual fantasy during masturbation.’
The truth is there is so much more to intimacy than just the act of penetration. What we see on screens may be fun to try and replicate in the bedroom, but when we are seeking intimacy and deeper connections we need to go further. So how can gay men get more comfortable with being soft and sensual?
Embrace vulnerability
Intimacy is more than just physical closeness; it’s about establishing emotional connections, and feeling seen, heard, and understood on a deeper level. For gay men, who have historically faced societal pressures and stigma surrounding their relationships, illicit and anonymous sex has often been seen as the norm.
There’s no shame in exploring your kinks and desires, but if as a gay man, you rarely experience intimacy then maybe it’s time to question why that is. The good news is there is always time to explore your sexuality, so no matter your age or experience, exploring regular intimacy for gay men is not only achievable and important – but is also revolutionary.
If you’re struggling with opening up as a gay man, you can find a sex coach for gay men on Sensuali today.
It’s all about connection
For gay men embarking on a journey of intimacy exploration, understanding and embracing sensual touch can open doors to profound experiences of intimacy and connection. Here are some important things to help you navigate your journey to sensual
heaven.
Create a safe space: Before engaging in sensual touch, create a space where you both feel comfortable. Try taking deep synchronised breaths with your partner and centre yourself in the present moment. This allows you to create a deeper connection with your partner and not rush the process of foreplay.
Communication: Open, honest communication is like anything sex-related, essential. Discuss your boundaries and preferences with your partner and maybe go over some things that you would like to try. Take things slowly, and frequently check in with each other so you know you are both on the same page.
Explore the senses: Begin with gentle and non-sexual touch to build confidence. Explore light caresses, kisses and massages focusing on different areas of the body. You can even create a sensory-rich environment, with scented candles and some
dreamy music playing in the background.
Body mapping: Take the time to explore each other’s bodies with curiosity and appreciation. Use your hands to trace the contours of your partner’s body, noticing textures, curves, and sensations. Body mapping strengthens connection between you and your partner. Top tip: You can even try this out on yourself! Next time you are having some ‘me time’ gently trace different parts of your body with your fingers to see what turns you on. This is great also for better communicating with your partner where (and perhaps where not) you like to be touched.
Switch it up: Don’t be afraid to experiment with different types of touch and pressure. From feather-light touching to firmer pressure, varying your touch keeps the experience dynamic and exciting. Pay attention to what feels pleasurable for both you and your partner.
Aftercare: After engaging in sensual touch, take time for aftercare to embrace each other and nurture each other’s emotional well-being. This could include cuddling, sharing inner thoughts or simply breathing and basking in the moment of closeness between you and your partner.
As gay men, we have the choice to break free from stereotypes that confine us to being purely sexual beings. The journey of exploring intimacy can therefore be a liberating one that is centred around self-love and self-discovery. Once we embrace vulnerability and remove our fear of judgement, here is no telling who we might find ourselves connecting with – including a deeper connection with ourselves.
Explore all sex and intimacy coaches on Sensuali.
Read: Sacred sexuality coaching for men who love men: meet Andreas Embodiment.
Drew
Drew, aka Wise and Manly is a sexuality coach helping people to love themselves. As a bisexual man, he makes content about owning and embracing your sexuality as well as accepting your authentic self.
