Living with Endometriosis often means navigating a complex relationship with your body, emotions and mental health. Many of those living with Endometriosis will go years being told that the pain they experience is ‘what’s expected as a person who bleeds’. We are often made to feel like complainers or exaggerators and, worst of all, told to get on with it and take a pill to numb the pain rather than nurturing the parts of us that hurt. And when it comes to intimacy and sex, well, the advice gets even worse.
As it’s Endometriosis awareness month, I wanted to take the opportunity to provide some insight into how living with Endometriosis extends beyond just our physical health; it also impacts intimacy, self-connection, pleasure and our relationship with others. The harsh reality is we become disconnected from what feels good because, most of the time, pain is all-consuming, and we find ways to numb not only the pain but dealing with this lifelong condition. While medication and surgery are at the forefront of helping us manage our pain, one vital part is never addressed. How do we explore pleasure through the pain and cultivate a life that isn’t just about numbing and sterile surgery rooms but also about feeling connected to ourselves again?
How do we explore pleasure through the pain and cultivate a life that isn’t just about numbing and sterile surgery rooms but also about feeling connected to ourselves again?
I was diagnosed with Endo back in 2019 but have been suffering since the age of 12 (I’m now in my early 30’s). I hit a turning point in my late 20s when I realised that there must be more to life than sitting in pain and attempting to block it; I desperately wanted to feel again. I refused to let this be my story, and I refused to feel like a zombie. So, I have been dedicating the last few years to exploring what it means to explore intimacy and sex when living with pain and how to not give up on one of the things that makes life worth living… PLEASURE.
If you’ve got this far in the article, then like 20-year-old me, you want answers, a quick fix, the miracle solution to make it all feel good again. I’m sorry to say it’s not that simple. However, the good news is that despite this being a lifelong journey, it’s one you’ll enjoy along the way. I am about to guide you on the top three things I wish someone had told me when it comes to feeling more connected to my body and creating a life where pleasure can exist. Let’s get started!
One: Pleasure on your terms
What even is pleasure? Pleasure is the experience of enjoyment, satisfaction, or gratification. It can be physical, emotional, or psychological and is deeply personal and unique to everyone. The key takeaway here is that pleasure can be outside the realms of the physical, i.e. sex.
For years I thought that pleasure was only accessible when touch was involved with another person, and more to the point, it was supposed to happen through penis in vagina sex. But if you live with Endo, you know being touched or engaging in P-in-V sex is the last thing you want during a flare-up. This is when I started to get comfortable not only exploring my body alone but also finding alternative ways to experience pleasure. This is where you have to block out the societal expectations of ‘normal’ sex and start creating a path to pleasure that works for you. For me, it started with accepting that my body was not always prepared for the type of sex others might be engaging in.
For me, it started with accepting that my body was not always prepared for the type of sex others might be engaging in.
My journey to pleasure outside of sex started through exploring movement-based pleasure and appreciating the little wins. For example, I spent a lot of evenings during the Covid period just moving to music that made me feel sexy. I got completely naked, held my belly and just enjoyed moving my body to what felt good. That was the start of setting myself free and exploring what felt good rather than what looked good. Then, from that moment forward, I started to expand my idea of pleasure and touch that felt right for me.
Two: Understanding why it hurts and the pain cycle.
Pain is the brain’s way of telling you something’s wrong, and when you’ve been told your pain isn’t real or that you should get on with it, then it’s no wonder we are ignoring these signals.
Over time, this pattern conditions your nervous system to become more reactive to intimacy, making even the thought of sex feel like a potential danger. As a result, your body may respond with tension and discomfort before physical touch even occurs. When these signals become frequent, the brain perceives a heightened threat, leading to increased pain and causing your pelvic muscles to contract as a protective response. Then, just like clockwork, the pain arrives, and your body shuts down.
When I first came across the diagram below, it completely changed the way I think about pain in the context of sex. You can break away once you understand where you are in the cycle. There is much more to learn regarding the brain and body connections to pain, so I highly recommend the extra learning.
Three: Invest in your pelvic floor and treat your genitals
Tight pelvic floor muscles are indeed a major underlying cause of vaginal pain, along with aggravating scar tissue and inflammation. So, if you have the funds, seeking support and treatment from a qualified pelvic health physio can make a difference by identifying and releasing tension. The best part is that we will have tools and strategies to improve tissue flexibility and gradually reduce discomfort during intimacy.
Lastly, I have tested nearly every pain-relieving product on the market in the realms of sex tech & devices, from CBD lubes, supplements, pillows, toys, rings and even positions. It’s been quite the journey, and like I said, you will enjoy it when you start experimenting. Sex is supposed to be fun, adaptive, and an opportunity for exploration, so why not do the same when exploring tools to combat or at least elevate some pain?
Here are my top favourite things that have worked for me. They may not work for you, but if you need a jumping-off point, here are my top 3 products:
OHNUTS
These consist of four squishy rings (now been updated to come with a vibrator attached) that can be stacked onto a penis or an internal sex toy so you can discover the depths that feel comfortable for you without worry.
LUBE
Lube is essential for those with Endometriosis, as dryness and friction can make sex even more uncomfortable. A smooth, well-lubricated experience can reduce irritation and enhance comfort.
I often get asked whether CBD lube helps with pain, and the truth is—it’s highly individual. What works for one person may not work for another, so it’s worth experimenting to see what suits your body best. I’ve tried many over the years and found two that worked well for me:
• ByQuanna – A hydrating and body-friendly option.
• Uberlube – A silky, long-lasting formula that reduces friction.
While I wouldn’t say these lubes directly relieve pain, they enhance sensation. If you’re navigating discomfort during intimacy, finding the right lube can make a significant difference.
POSITIONS AND PILLOWS
For some, finding a comfortable position can feel impossible, but it’s worth exploring in depth. There are countless variations; the right one for you might take some experimentation. While some find that doggy style works well, it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution. If that doesn’t feel good for you, consider downloading a Kama Sutra app or setting aside time to explore different positions with your partner.
I found that elevating my lower body made a big difference. If you need extra support, Bang On cushions are a great investment. They’re designed to assist people with disabilities and medical conditions by providing stability and reducing discomfort in certain sexual positions, making intimacy more accessible and enjoyable.
A friendly reminder from a fellow Endo girly
It’s easy to feel frustrated and let down by the limitations Endometriosis imposes on our bodies, but your pleasure is still yours to claim. It just may look a little different to everyone else’s. But trust me when I say pleasure is just around the corner; the key is to think outside the box and have a little patience and compassion for yourself and your body.
Remember to allow yourself grace on difficult days, don’t force it and do what genuinely feels good for you. Pleasure is not off-limits—it’s just waiting to be redefined.
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
