When and how did you get into kink?
I think I’ve always been into kink. It just took me a while to realize that my sexual preferences were considered kinky. I guess it started with porn. I used to love sleeping porn, which is basically just when two people are asleep in bed and one of them wakes up and starts fucking the other one. The Japanese do sleeping porn best. They also do hentai porn, which is cartoon porn – I feel like that’s kind of kinky.
The first girl I ever had a crush on had cerebral palsy and walked around with crutches so handicap as a turn-on seems to qualify as kink too. I was only 7 though, so it’s not like I had any sexual awareness at the time. She was the first girl to pull down her pants and show me her business though. Then as I got older and more comfortable in my body, I started getting involved with the kink scene.
Give me the lowdown of how it all works. Do you pay to be part of sex clubs? Are these exclusive invite-only things? What kind of people attend?
Yes to the first two questions. In terms of the kind of people there, it really just depends on the party. There’s one party called Hit Me Up, which has ridiculously gorgeous people. It’s a mix of gay people and straight people and everyone looks like they stepped out of a magazine.
The location switches but the times I’ve gone, the party has been hosted once in a beautiful underground loft and another time in an old factory. Lots of people are in fetish gear, like leather and really expensive-looking hardware with nice floggers. They provide refreshments, like hummus and champagne.
Then there’s a snuggle pit where all these ridiculously in-shape people are fucking, which is always fun to watch. You have to be recommended by a member and then you have to fill out an application. Every person I’ve brought along to the party so far has commented, “This reminds me of Eyes Wide Shut.”
Is it ever nerve-racking walking into a sex party?
The first kink event I went to was a convention. I went with my lesbian best friend. It felt really comfortable because we had such a good rapport and she’s just fun. So that was a great way to get my toes wet.
The first party I went to was solo. I was nervous until this ridiculously scantily-clad nurse came and sat down next to me. We did a group tantric breathing exercise which made her cry. My instinct was to hug her but these parties are all about consent when it comes to physical touch, so I waited until the group exercise was finished before I did a verbal check-in.
She told me she was really nervous coming into the party and felt embarrassed to walk in with this over-the-top outfit only to realize that everyone else was in street clothes. After talking for a while, we realized how compatible our energies were and I asked her if she wanted to do some scenes together.
We did some impact play. I used my flogger to do more sensory stuff, like massages and she loved it. Then we switched and it felt so liberating because it was the first time I really allowed myself to experience the submissive side of kink.
Break down a typical Brooklyn sex party for me. How many people are usually there and is there a lot of diversity?
Most parties I’ve been to have had 15-20 people. In terms of diversity, it really varies party to party. Hit Me Up is pretty white. There are usually a couple of people of color like myself, but definitely not as many gender-nonconforming and trans people as I would like to see. The majority of people there are pretty much heteronormative.
But I’ve been to some tantric BDSM parties, which are hosted by this amazing couple that leads the group through breathing exercises and then does some icebreakers to ensure that everyone feels comfortable. Those parties tend to be a lot more diverse in terms of gender identity, age, race, and body shapes.
Typically though, they skew more towards beginners. It’s less of a hardcore BDSM vibe and more of a “Let’s get comfortable talking about sex and exploring our bodies” kind of thing, which can also be super fun. My favorite play party at the moment is called People Before Kink. It’s very white but very queer. It was the first play party I’ve been to where they have people with disabilities.
The teacher, Master Joshua, has a circle where people ask each other really introspective and personal questions so that by the end of talking, everyone is on the same page about why they are there and what they’re looking for. It really humanizes people. And then from that level of community and connection, people start to pair off and play, in a way that really reminds us that we are people before we are kinky.
Can you clarify what you mean by a “scene?”
A scene is an agreement between two people who describe what they both like in terms of play — from rope bondage to impact play to mummification to wax place to primal pay. There’s so many types of play!
This contract is communicated to ensure the safety of both participants so that once the scene starts – which is basically like a container of time and understanding — both people can really get their needs met without anything popping out of the woodwork or anything undiscussed happening that could potentially be problematic for either party.
At classes and parties that focus on teaching this aspect really sufficiently, once you start a scene, you can really surrender to the energy and have such a great time. It’s pretty incredible.
Any embarrassing moments you feel comfortable sharing?
There have definitely been some awkward moments of just hanging out on the sideline, not knowing how to approach people. The most embarrassing thing that comes to mind is when I did a tantric workshop.
I hadn’t really specified what I actually wanted in the opening circle. It turned out that all that was was being invited to do a scene. But I hadn’t verbalized it so I was just awkwardly standing there.
A woman ended up approaching me and asking if I was okay. I told her what was going on and she invited me to do a scene with her. By this point though, my energy was very down. I rushed through the scene and ended up making her feel really uncomfortable.
She said, “red light,” and we stopped altogether. That experience taught me how important energy is to play. If you’re not feeling good or uplifted, just don’t even bother cause it’s gonna translate to whatever you do.
What’s your ultimate fantasy?
I’ve always wanted to be black-bagged, which is when a group of people stick a black bag over your head, abduct you and then strip you down and fuck you.
What have your takeaways been since joining the kink community?
Pleasure is power and the most powerful you can get is by owning, asking, and receiving pleasure. Ask yourself, “What do I want in this moment?” Identify it, relay it to someone else and then have them give you exactly what you want. No more, no less.
What advice would you give to a friend looking to dip their toes into the kink community?
I would suggest checking out People Before Kink first if possible. Kink is so much about introspection and Master Joshua is very, very good at empowering you as an individual, creating a sense of community, and then promoting safe play. BDSM is becoming popular in the mainstream but what’s not becoming popular or at least what’s not offered in the same way, is the safe way to do kink.
Kink can be very dangerous if not performed correctly, so it’s really important to know how to do things in a way that doesn’t cause harm. People have died. Master Joshua has talked about seeing two people die at two separate parties because people weren’t acting responsibly. So knowing what to do and how to do it safely is really important.
Closing thoughts?
We only live one life that we remember, so go at it wholeheartedly and don’t hold back! Whatever feels good for you feels good for you, and as long as it doesn’t hurt or harm anyone, take ownership of it. Learn how to do it respectfully and lovingly and enjoy. And if you want to find some kinksters in New York … now its possible…
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
