What was your parents’ relationship like growing up and how did that influence your outlook on relationships?
My parents had a really loving and healthy relationship. I would say they are both very mutually supportive of each other. And also because my mom was the primary breadwinner and my dad was a stay-at-home dad for a long time, I think that sort of shifted what I internalized about gender roles and relationships. I would say they have a really good relationship, really good communication, and didn’t do the stereotypical gender roles in their relationship – all things I have tried to emulate in my own relationships.
What are your thoughts on the idea that monogamy is a social construct?
Well I would say that nearly everything is a social construct. There are some social constructs that are terrible and we need to abolish them entirely and then there’s some social constructs that are useful to some people but not to others. I would say that monogamy falls into this category. We don’t need to impose it like it’s a law of nature but there’s a lot of things that are social constructs that keep society going in a lot of ways
You could say culture is a social construct. You could say identity is a social construct. Gender is a social construct. Religion is a social construct. Government is a social construct. Science is a social construct. I feel like social construct is an overused boogeyman of a phrase.
Besides our basic biological needs like eating and shitting, everything is a social construct. So I don’t think it’s helpful to say “Oh that’s a social construct.” It’s more useful to be like “Ok everything is a social construct. What serves us and what doesn’t serve us?”
What are your thoughts on polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, etc.? Have you ever tried it yourself? Do you have friends you’ve seen make it work or friends who have tried to convince you they’re making it work but aren’t?
So yes to all of the above. I think it’s a live your life kind of thing. I’ve been in an open relationship, dated multiple people at the same time more casually, and been in a monogamous relationship. I personally feel best in a monogamous relationship.
I got cheated on in my open relationship so that may have something to do with it. I think people think that if you’re open or polyamorous that it makes you immune to boundary crossing and cheating, but that’s not true. The boundaries just become more complicated.
I think there’s good things about both and I would say one of the good things about open relationships or ethically non-monogamous relationships is that they encourage you to say your boundaries and expectations. Whereas monogamy is sometimes the default and that means people don’t necessarily feel like they have to communicate and that can lead to problems.
I think in the same way that kink and BDSM communities have language around consent and boundaries that is still useful to people who are more vanilla, setting expectations and maintaining clear communication is important, even when you’re not in a non-monogamous relationship.
I’ve definitely seen people in non-monogamous relationships where the non-monogamy part is what ends their relationship, because they’re incompatible when it comes to being open even though both agreed to it originally. Both people really have to be on the same page to make it work.
Have you been cheated on in the past and do you think this has an affect on your outlook on why monogamy is the right choice for you?
Yes, by my first serious boyfriend Mitch. We were long distance and had an open relationship but the rule was we had to tell one another if we hooked up with someone else. One day, my friend was snooping on his Facebook and found out that there was someone he wasn’t telling me about.
That affected my mindset because we had made all these promises about open and supportive communication but it didn’t prevent my boundaries from being crossed. Having been a relationship with all these guardrails that didn’t prevent me from getting hurt, I would rather just be in a monogamous relationship. And if a guy’s not down with that, I’d rather break up than experiment with non-monagamy again.
What advice would you give to a commitmentphobe friend who wants to give monogamy a try but who is afraid of fucking it up, getting bored, etc.?
It sounds really cliche but I think if you’re with the right person, monogamy shouldn’t be a struggle. If you find yourself cheating or wanting to be non-monogamous, I say you owe it to your partner to be honest with them rather than guilting them into an open relationship you know they don’t want to be in. It’s better to just end a relationship if there’s a mismatch in sex drive or some other incompatibility. People should be freer when it comes to breaking up with people.
Do you ever crave physical intimacy with someone whose not your primary partner?
No.
Has your partner ever expressed their desire to be physically intimate with someone besides you and how did you feel / navigate?
Mitch definitely had that desire within and expressed it. Sam did too and I broke up with him. I think you should be able to talk about that stuff. My husband, John, was legitimately poly in his last marriage and stayed attached to that label even when that ended and he was just sleeping around. But now, he’s content to be in a monogamous relationship with me.
Do you think it’s natural to have such thoughts and healthy to talk about them? Or do you believe that if you’re truly with the love of your life, there shouldn’t be a desire to be with anyone else? Or, do you think it is natural to have feelings of lust but that it’s ultimately less hurtful to abstain from telling your hubby every time you see a hot guy on the street?
I think that you should be able to talk about that. It’s healthy for couples to talk about that. I think it depends on what you want to do with it, right? If it’s in the parameters of whatever you decided your boundaries are, that’s one conversation. And if it’s beyond the parameters of the relationship, that’s a different conversation. For me, that would probably mean a breakup conversation.
It really depends on who you are though and what relationship you’re in. To me, attraction is fine and normal and natural. John and I have objectified people together and said stuff like, “She’s hot,” but that’s very different than fantasizing about someone while you’re having sex with your partner.
Where do you draw the line when it comes to flirting?
I did make a mistake when I first moved to St. Louis. John wasn’t there yet and the was a guy who worked in the lab next door to mine. I was trying to be friendly to everyone because I was new and trying to make friends.
A few weeks into our friendship, he asked me to go hiking and then I ended up realizing he had a crush on me. So I had to bring up John and it was awkward and weird. It’s kind of annoying when people go on about their spouse, like “My husband this, my husband that,” so I try not to be one of those people. But when I’m meeting someone for the first time I do try to bring up John at least once to avoid weird situations.
How many people in your network of friends and family identify as monogamous versus single versus polyamorous / non-monogamous?
I would say that’s changed a lot since my early 20s. The handful of friends who would have identified as non-monogamous once are now all in monogamous relationships. But I also have a lot of single friends who are dating more than one person at one time, which is not the same thing as polyamory, but it’s also not monogamy.
I used to have more friends who identified as being polyamorous or non monogamous or having open relationships. But as you know, now I’m in my 30s and living in Midwestern city instead of Brooklyn. Most people I know are either single or in a monogamous relationship.
Have you ever had threesomes, group sex etc.? If yes, did you enjoy? Would it ever be something you would want to try now? What about your partner?
I had the opportunity to have a threesome one time back when I was less attached and I wish I had done it. I feel like I wouldn’t do that with John because I just feel like it might feel very destabilizing. But it’s something I wish I had done when I was sowing my wild oats.
What’s your favorite thing about being in a committed, monogamous relationship?
John. We’ve just been together for a long time because we know how to have fun. Whether we’re on a trip or at home on a Saturday with nothing to do, we find the good time together.
I also just feel very safe around him. He’s seen every side of me and still loves me. So I can be really silly or really ridiculous and know that he still loves me. Whereas I think when you’re on the dating scene, you’re a little bit more guarded up to a certain point in a relationship. You’re more concerned about showing people your best side or avoiding showing all of your emotions at once.
John and I have been through so much together, including living through the pandemic together. I’m so comfortable around him and can really just be myself.
What do you miss most about being single?
I think what I miss most about being single is being validated for my appearance. My husband, John, tells me that I’m beautiful, which is great, and I appreciate that but I’ve had a lot of physical changes over the last few years due to autoimmune stuff. I’m not as athletic as I was and I have a lot of insecurities around that. I gained a lot of weight when I went on medication.
When I was single in New York, which was the last time I was single, I was sort of at my peak fitness level and I was very healthy. And so I just felt like people thought I was hot – sorry to be vain. I know that my husband loves me and is attracted to me and that’s the important thing, but I do sometimes miss that external validation because I have a lot of insecurities about myself now that I didn’t have then.
Do you ever freak out like, “OMG this is the last dick I’m ever gonna suck?!”
No. One of the reasons that I felt comfortable committing long term is because our sex life is really good and I’m more satisfied with my husband than any other partner I’ve had before. When I was dating guys in New York, it felt like they were interested in getting me off the first couple of times to demonstrate their sexual prowess, not because it was a sustained priority for them. Even in my last serious relationship, the orgasm gap was insane. But John is very much the opposite. He would rather get me off than get himself off.
And so to me, I feel like I’d be getting less satisfaction if I started being with other people now. It would only be a downgrade for me.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
