‘There’s often a lot of pressure for sex and intimacy between men to look a certain way, with a focus on erections, ejaculation, and penetration. Instead of trying to fuck harder, and longer what if the route to better gay sex and intimacy was through learning how to connect truer, and deeper?’
Scotland and London-based Michael Dresser is a body-based sex coach providing his services both in-person and online for anyone who defines as male. He is a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, and Certified Wheel Of Consent facilitator. Unlike many traditional sex and intimacy coaches, his training and experience allow him to offer hands-on learning, which can include the whole body. Through this, he helps people build their confidence around desire, touch, pleasure and communication.
- Do you have a mission?
- How did you get into sex coaching?
- How would you describe your coaching style?
- What kind of sex coaching do you offer?
- Who is your typical client?
- How do people benefit from being a client of yours?
- What should more people know about intimacy and gay men?
- How has your relationship with what you do evolved over time?
- What do you think about the sexual wellness world?
- What are your future hopes with coaching?
Do you have a mission?
I often say that you wouldn’t expect to learn how to play a sport, or a musical instrument just by talking about it – so why would your love life be any different?!
While there’s certainly a place for talk-based sex, intimacy and relationship coaching, these things are all actually stuff we feel and experience in the body, rather than only intellectually. I believe the most effective way to learn how to do them better also needs to include the body. Which is something most mainstream talk-based sex coaching is unable to offer.
Giving and receiving – especially touch – is something a lot of guys find confusing, even challenging. So my mission is to create spaces where men, particularly queer men, can discover the huge untapped potential for pleasure they have in their own bodies when it comes to giving and receiving, and build skills for communicating around that more clearly and authentically. Because if you don’t know what turns your own self on – how can you expect anyone else to?
How did you get into sex coaching?
Over a decade ago I was a fairly average gay man in a long-term monogamous relationship, with a ‘secure’ life in London. But I could feel in my body that something was missing, and I wasn’t happy. So I took a leap of faith and walked away from it all to explore myself. As my sexual and intimate erotic encounters with other men increased, I quickly realised something: that the surprisingly deep connections being created during these interactions – even if only for a few hours in a hookup – often felt quite transformative, both for me, and the men I was with.
This capacity I found to access and explore real intimacy through sex felt unexpected and liberating in a world where gay sex can often be experienced as a functional exchange, lacking connection. I became more conscious of the impact I was having by ‘just being me’, and following my instincts.
And I realised that I wanted to learn to harness and channel these skills. So that I could more consciously and effectively help others. This led me to train directly with two of the foremost teachers and leaders of erotic bodywork in the world. Joseph Kramer (founder of Sexological Bodywork, and The Body Electric), and Dr. Betty Martin (creator of the Wheel Of Consent).
How would you describe your coaching style?
At the heart of all my work the three keywords are always: Spaciousness, Choice, and Safety.
What kind of sex coaching do you offer?
I provide a trauma-aware, practical and educational space for gay, bi, and curious men to learn about touch, pleasure and relating through the body – either your own body, or in a relational context with another body.
Because I work in a very client-led way, no two sessions are really ever the same! A big part of how I work is actually about helping empower people to start noticing for themselves what they want, and building skills to communicate that confidently, instead of just going along with what someone else says, or what they think the other person might want.
Most sessions involve a series of guided practices to help clients discover what feels good in their body, connect more deeply with their desires, and expand their concept of giving and receiving. Sometimes that involves self-touch, sometimes it can include me touching them or them touching me – although generally not both at the same time.
Depending on what they want to learn the touch could be fully clothed, completely naked or anywhere in between! And it could include genital touch or erotic touch, but it doesn’t always.
I bring my expertise, experience and body in service to my clients’ learning. And I sometimes describe sessions as being like a laboratory where you can learn, experiment, and practice all this stuff body to body with another man, without shame or judgement. There’s not many places for men to do that with other men!
Who is your typical client?
I work mostly with people who define as male – many come to me because they feel something is missing from their experience of sex and intimacy, or because they’ve got stuck in patterns they want to change. A lot of my clients get in touch because they’ve gone as far as they can just talking about stuff, and they need to start feeling and experiencing it too. I offer the possibility to explore and expand beyond the often quite limited narratives of what gay sex and intimacy is ‘supposed’ to look like.
Many of the guys I work with just want somewhere they can figure out what they actually enjoy when they’re being physically intimate with another man, without feeling under pressure to perform, or look, a certain way.
I’ve also worked with older guys keen to find ways to stay connected to their sexual self as they age. I’ve even had some clients who are questioning their sexual orientation and want a safer space to explore what it feels like to touch and be touched by another man for the first time.
How do people benefit from being a client of yours?
A common barrier to people improving their intimate or erotic experiences is that a hookup – or even a relationship – doesn’t always feel like the safest place to try things out or make mistakes.
So in my sessions we create really clear agreements together about what will and won’t happen, moment to moment. We slow things right down, and we break each experience into small elements so it doesn’t get overwhelming. The more choice you have the safer you feel, and the safer you feel the more likely you are to be able to access pleasure.
Most people – and especially queer people – have spent a lot of their lives having to endure stuff they didn’t really want, often in order to stay safe or survive. Working with me starts to reverse that – everything we do is led by the client and their body. I don’t have a set agenda for any particular outcome, other than what the client walks into the room with each session. That approach, in itself, can be mind-blowing for many people – having real choice for the first time when it comes to touch and pleasure!
What should more people know about intimacy and gay men?
There’s a perception that gay men have unlimited access to sex and therefore full erotic expression. And while there are certainly lots of opportunities to find sex it doesn’t always translate into meaningful, connected or even intimate encounters.
Decent education about intimate relating for queer people is still pretty rare. The emphasis tends to be on functionality, and not on pleasure. For men there’s often a focus on performance – with an emphasis on erections, penetration, and ejaculation. If that works for you, great. But for many men that feels unsatisfying or frustrating. Ultimately I think what many gay guys are looking for from sex is actually connection. So a lot of my work is about changing the whole approach: what if – instead of trying to learn how to fuck harder, and longer – the route to better gay sex and intimacy was actually about learning how to connect truer, and deeper, both with your own body and with others?
How has your relationship with what you do evolved over time?
My original Sexological Bodywork training had some strict protocols around touch only happening one way, from practitioner to client. When I was starting out the safety this created was crucial as I honed my skills and gained experience. But over the years I’ve been increasingly drawn back to what inspired me to train in the first place – a desire to work in a more interactive way, including the possibility
for two-way erotic touch.
My aim now is to create learning spaces where more play and exploration between two bodies is possible but there’s still enough structure to create safety.
What’s really enabled me to expand into working in this way is a tool called the Wheel Of Consent, which is now the foundation for all the work I do, and provides the framework for choice and safety – for my clients, but also for me – when we’re working together. I’ve gone on a deep dive with the Wheel Of Consent, and its creator Dr Betty Martin, and I’m actually now one of the global teaching faculty, delivering training for professionals who want to bring it into their work, so it’s something that’s really in the DNA of everything I do!
What do you think about the sexual wellness world?
Although there has been a big increase in awareness in the mainstream in recent years about conscious sexuality and sexual wellbeing I think this has been slower to reach the world of men who are attracted to other men. That’s one of the reasons why I want to have more visibility on sites and spaces like Sensuali – so that queer guys can see themselves represented here, and know that another, more empowered way of experiencing sex and intimacy is possible for them too!
There are still so few role models for queer people when it comes to intimate relating. And we often have very specific needs – especially around safety – which can get overlooked in more mainstream, or hetero, approaches to sex and intimacy education. When I started training over a decade ago there was much less understanding of things like trauma, power dynamics, and the impact they have on the nervous system and the body.
Now the constantly emerging new science about this is revolutionising people’s capacity to access more pleasure in ways that are safer and more empowering. This is huge for gay folks – who tend to be more impacted by things like trauma. By slowing things down, bringing more mindfulness, choice, and self-awareness into how gay guys approach their sex, I’ve seen people’s lives literally be transformed by this work.
I mean: just imagine if you were always able to tune into your genuine desires, to believe that what you want really matters; to have the confidence to go for ‘amazing’, rather than just constantly putting up with ‘meh’ all the time! Imagine if you were able to truly believe that your limits and boundaries matter, and have the capacity to honour them, instead of ignoring or over-riding them and then being overwhelmed by the impact of that in your nervous system. Having these kinds of skills goes way beyond the bedroom – I actually think these are fundamental life skills!
What are your future hopes with coaching?
When I first started out I framed my work in terms of being an educator, which is still absolutely the case. But in the last few years I’ve also started describing myself as a sex worker more often – because that’s essentially what I am!
I work with sex – often in a very hands-on way, and I think it’s really important to help shift the narrative of sex work being viewed simply as prostitution.
That’s such a one-dimensional way of defining sex work, and I’m proud to be part of a growing number of trained, ethically accountable professionals working with sex in body-based ways, breaking down misconceptions, and having a profound, restorative effect on peoples’ wellbeing. Gay and queer communities are often more naturally sex-positive spaces, but there are still a lot of challenges for gay guys when it comes to navigating sex and intimacy in ways that are healthy and empowered.
Sex is how we come into the world, and it connects us with the source of life. Intimacy is how we communicate, and communication is fundamental to being healthy, both as individuals and as a community. I believe both these things are an essential part of a fulfilling life. I want to be part of changing how gay men do sex and intimacy – so they can enjoy more fulfilling relationships, both with their own bodies and with other men.
Discover more about Michael Dresser.
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Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
Michael Dresser
Michael Dresser is gay sex and intimacy coach, supporting men who want to work body to body with another man to build skills and confidence with desire, touch, pleasure, communication and relating. Honed over more than a decade of ongoing training and practice, his work is a unique blend of Sexological Bodywork, Wheel Of Consent, and Sacred Intimacy, creating hands-on learning spaces with safety built in.
