When I begin thinking about having top surgery, one of my biggest concerns was how it would impact my relationships and intimacy. While I knew that the most important thing was feeling comfortable in my skin on a day-to-day basis, I still had a voice living in the back of my head that told me my intimacy might suffer if I went forward with surgery.
I worried that my partner would no longer find me attractive, that I would miss certain aspects of my chest, or that I would create a disconnection between my body and my mind. This was so far from the truth, but at the time I didn’t have the perspective that I have now.
As a trans nonbinary educator and creator, a lot of what I do now involves direct community work – helping others tenderly through the tough moments of their gender identity journeys. I offer 1:1 calls with followers of mine who have questions about gender affirming care and their developing identities.
As trans folks, our surgeons and medical teams can only provide so much care and information, and at a certain point, to share lived experiences is the only way to get a better understanding of what our journey ahead may actually look like. Being able to offer other people a guidebook of support in the way that I needed so desperately before my surgery is why I do the advocacy and visibility work that I do now.
It feels especially fulfilling to connect with others about their gender journey when they bring up the connection of intimacy and top surgery, because in a big way, it feels as though I’m talking to my past self.
I find that I tell many of my followers/clients who are concerned about top surgery and its’ intersection with intimacy the same few things that seem to help ease their worries. So if you are finding yourself navigating potential gender affirming care, but aren’t sure how it’ll impact your sex life, here is what I’ve found to be helpful to remember.
It WILL change, but change doesn’t have to be bad.
When people say they’re worried about their sex life or intimacy changing after top surgery, there always seems to be a negative or nervous connotation surrounding the statement. I sometimes like to counter this by asking them, “What if it did change, for the better?” and you can see the curiosity and hope spark in their eyes.
I don’t blame people for having these fears, as I had them before surgery, too. There’s a lot of reasons for this. For one, we only know and experience life through the body that we live in. The one we were given. And until we enter a new vessel, it’s impossible to fully understand what it will feel like to be inside that vessel.
On top of this, when we are experiencing gender dysphoria or a gender journey that goes against the grain of societal expectations, we meet pushback and resistance from all angles – our entire lives. Society, our family, the media, our peers, the binary systems that surround us. People who are choosing authenticity over the comfort of things staying as they’ve always known them to be are forging their own paths that are unsurprisingly lined with alot of uncertainty and doubt because of the newness of it all.
This doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing for you to do for yourself, but it does mean that you’re simply a human having new experiences that you’re allowed to welcome in with excitement instead of doubt. (Or the two can co-exist together).
Intimacy should be as internal as it is external.
I think a lot of the worry about intimacy being affected after gender affirming surgery is through the lens of pleasing a partner instead of ourselves. Of course it is natural to want your partner to desire you and find you sexually attractive, but it is also important to place your focus on self intimacy as well.
Our relationship with ourself is our longest lasting relationship we will have in our life. When you are alone, looking in the mirror, getting dressed, touching yourself, or really being present with your body, you have to ask yourself if you feel connected and truly intimately intertwined with the vessel that you carry.
If the answer is no, and top surgery is a way to improve that connection, you are committing an act of radical self love and true intimacy by leaning into it. Leaning into our truest self is a foundational basis of leaning into a partner. Remember that you are worth your own intimacy.
The more you feel like YOU, the more the RIGHT partner(s) will be attracted to you.
The right people for us (and the people who we should be engaging in safe intimacy with) are the people who honor our bodies, no matter how they look. I think anyone can relate to this when they’re in a relationship for a long time. As we grow older, and our bodies start to change along with our life experiences, we want our partner(s) to still appreciate and find beauty in the vessel we carry.
Top surgery is simply one of these life experiences that your partner should love you through. You would expect your partner to still love your body after childbirth, chronic illness, an accident, weight gain, old age, or any other body altering experience. If you have top surgery and then a partner decides they’re no longer attracted to you, that is just a sign that you weren’t with the right person to begin with.
There will be so many other people out there who will be attracted to you for exactly who you are and find you desirable and worth cherishing. In a weird way, you could consider it a gift to find out that becoming more aligned with yourself brings you farther away from some people.
Top surgery and intimacy can and do co-exist. My experience has been that the more intimate I become with my own identity and gender, the more I’m able to connect with others. I hope you’re able to find the same, and if you want to chat through the process, I am here.
Read: 3 essential films about trans sex workers.
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justsaySK
SK Smigiel (She/They) is a nonbinary educator, creator, and leader. They have been sharing their journey to and through top surgery, gender defiance, and humanity online for the past 5 years, building a following of queer folks and allies. She is also an author, educator, consultant. They offer what they needed most at the beginning of their journey to top surgery as a nonbinary person - community and a safe place to ask anything. She offers 1:1 zoom calls for queer folks, allies, and those questioning and exploring their gender, sexuality, and humanity for you to ask anything and feel held and seen in your experiences. SK truly believes that there’s nobody who takes care of us quite like us.
