'My multifaceted identity as a queer, poly, kinky Indian woman significantly influences my therapy practice.' This is our conversation with iconic NYC-based queer sex therapist: Goddess Nixx.
‘I grew up in Bangalore, a city in India where access to mental healthcare was limited and heavily stigmatized. We didn’t really talk about sex at all and the patriarchal culture often made it unsafe to embody our sexual selves.’
Goddess Nixx aka Nikita Fernandes is a queer sex therapist based in NYC and offering offer individual, relationship and group counseling. We sat down to talk about the story so far.
My name is Nikita Fernandes, MA, MHC-LP (she/her) and I am an immigrant South Asian cisgender queer woman who was born and raised in Bangalore, Karnataka, India. I am a Sex Therapist and Psychotherapist located in New York City.
In addition to being a therapist, I am also a community activist and organizer, where I facilitate wellness circles for non-monogamous people and also do psychoeducation and sex education at the community level in New York City.
Meet NYC-based queer sex therapist: Goddess Nixx.
What are the specific services you offer as a therapist?
As a therapist, I offer individual, relationship and group counseling options. Regarding relationship therapy, I work with couples, polycules, friends, siblings, ex-friends, ex partners and various other relationship configuration’s to help people work through relational challenges. My sessions are typically 50 minutes long and I take an individualised approach to each client.
I help clients reflect on their values and the roles they play in our lives. I also believe in creating momentum with therapy and so I typically see clients on a weekly basis. I take pride on really knowing community resources so that I can share the with my clients who hold minority identities especially.
Sex therapy is similar to individual and relationship therapy but with an emphasis on sexual functioning. I offer sex therapy services to individuals and people in relationships in order to help them heal their relationship to sex. I am very mindful of the language that I use while working with queer and trans folk and passionate about helping people reconnect with their bodies.
I help people find the middle ground in sex therapy by really understanding whats happening behind the scenes. Some themes include Dating for alt relationships, Cultivating mindful sex, Fat Liberation and HAES (Health at Every Size) , Asexuality / Aromanticism / Demisexuality and ACE spectrum, Interracial relationships, Self-esteem, self-worth, and self-compassion.
What was your journey into this world?
I grew up in Bangalore, a city in India where access to mental healthcare was limited and heavily stigmatized. We didn’t really talk about sex at all and the patriarchal culture often made it unsafe to embody our sexual selves.
During my young adult years in Bangalore, I struggled to find a counselor who had a background in LGBTQ issues.
The counselor that I talked to put me in a one size fits all box, bound by a traditional conception of heteronormative binary identities. The services I received seemed ingenue and I felt alone. The counselor failed to understand the challenges that are faced by a queer woman in a conservative country. At that moment, a strong desire to uplift people who feel confused and alone was born.
Do you have a mission?
My mission in my work is to help people embrace their humanity in all its pain, struggles and joy. We can be so mean to ourselves and I want to help clients find lots of grace for themselves. I often say to my clients “That’s so human of you”. I am also passionate about helping people with marginalized identities experience pleasure based liberation through rest and sensuality.
How would you describe your approach to what you do?
Goddess Nixx.
My multifaceted identity as a queer, poly, kinky Indian woman significantly influences my therapy practice.
In my approach, I prioritize fostering self-compassion in the face of systemic oppression, rather than just numbing pain. Rooted in evidence-based techniques, my methods acknowledge the impact of trauma and embrace diverse cultural perspectives.
What do you wish more people knew about therapy?
I wish more people knew that therapy isn’t necessarily about having a therapist tell you what to do and give you advice but rather a space to have a guide that can help us soothe our emotions so we can connect with what it is we truly want. I wish more people knew that therapists are also human and don’t know it all, and that we learn as much from our clients and they inspire us too.
Sex therapy is not just about people having higher quality sex, it’s about making peace with our humanity and allowing ourselves to show up in a vulnerable way to be normalised and held by the therapist.
Who is your typical client and why do they usually seek your services?
My typical clients are people who live at the intersections of various marginalisations such as queer people, kinky people, immigrants, and non-monogamous people.
Goddess Nixx.
As a sex therapist, people seek my services because the mainstream sex education and representation is not inclusive of everyone.
They are looking for someone with a queer or feminist lens who can understand what it is like to feel left out of mainstream culture. Clients also come to me to work on deeply internalized shame around their sexuality preferences which inhibits them from connecting with their true desires. Sex therapy can also be a beautiful space to make peace with our bodies and embody the pleasure that marginalized people deserve.
What is a small and unexpected pleasure in what you do?
A small and unexpected pleasure is sharing community with a lot of my clients, and learning how to navigate spaces that we can both understand the ins and outs of. My clients want to work with people who have lived experiences so they don’t have to go through the labor of explaining how the scene works.
What is a misconception about sex therapy?
A misconception about sex therapy is that it is just for couples. This is far from the truth as I work with a lot of individuals who are not necessarily in relationships but want to heal their sexual connections to themselves.
Sex therapy is also just talk therapy and there is no physical interaction, and no, sex therapists do not have a bed in their office (it’s been a running joke).
What’s your opinion on the NYC kink scene?
The NYC kink scene has a plethora of groups based on peoples identity, you have your swinger spaces, your straight leaning spaces, your queer spaces, your people of color only spaces, and each of those spaces have their their own unique set of guidelines and culture. I appreciate being a therapist at a time where people of color and queer people are being centered more in spaces.
Does being queer and poly inform what you do?
My work lies in queer theory which centers alternative ways of looking at the world by bringing cultural context into it. Being a queer and poly person myself, I am able to work outside of the box of cis-heteronormative and mononormative values and helping people challenge the assumptions they have learned all their life about how the world works.
As a relational therapist, I also bring in a lot of my own stories and life to help connect with my clients and let them know they are not alone.
What are your hopes for the future in the sensual world?
Goddess Nixx.
My hope is that more people are educated about the sensual world in a strengths based way. The sensual world can also encourage collectivism in individual spaces which is what we need more of.
Anything closing thoughts?
I am beyond grateful to the kink and poly scene for helping shape me into the person I am today. I have so much compassion and confidence that comes from being celebrated by my community and I appreciate how collective culture can prevail in kink spaces.
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
Goddess Nixx
Author
Goddess Nixx aka Nikita Fernandes is a queer, poly sex therapist based in NYC and offering offer individual, relationship and group counseling.
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