Tell me a little about your sexual history and health.
So I became sexually active at 15. I was always one of those girls who had a boyfriend. I had one in high school and then when I moved to California for college, I went through a couple more. Sex has never been something I’ve shied away from. I started masturbating around the age of 12 and became pretty aware and comfortable with my body early on. Then being in long-term relationships with guys I loved — or at least thought I loved at the time — made me feel even more comfortable and excited about sex. Looking back, I totally took that for granted. Most of my female friends didn’t have that experience.
By the time I was 22, I had gotten pretty bored with the whole heteronormative monogamy thing. I think it may have had something to do with the guys I was choosing. I’m a very assertive, don’t-fuck-with-me kind of woman, so I think I just naturally attracted guys who were complementary to that— sensitive and sweet but a little too simp-y and easy to manipulate. I also knew from the age of 17 that I was into girls too. I remember watching the movie Salt and like totally falling in love with Angelina Jolie. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be her or be with her but looking back, I think it was a combination.
So ya, having sex with a woman was something I had been wanting to explore on my own, not just in the context of a threesome situation with my boyfriend. So I ended up breaking up with him. We’re still friends and I think he might be slightly in love with me still but he gets it — I can’t be tamed. I ended up dropping out of school and kind of just adventuring around the west coast for a couple of years. That’s how I ended up in LA and started sugaring.
I was already in this really fun and experimental phase in my life. My friend Amy, who I happened to be hooking up with at the time was a sugar baby and she would always come back with the craziest stories. One day she asked if I wanted to come along and of course, I said, “yes.” There was this daddy who wanted to bring a third into the mix. He wasn’t hot or anything but the whole overall experience felt so wild and kinky and I was instantly hooked. Eventually, I went out on my own and ended up matching with this younger tech guy who I found very attractive. I had no idea what he was doing on a sugar daddy website but I wasn’t mad.
Over time, things progressed into more of a normal dating situation. He hired me to be his assistant and about six months after we met, I moved in with him. He was the opposite of the guys I had dated when I was younger — calculated, cold, and possibly a psychopath. I ended up falling hard. We would have group sex together but it got to the point where I was catching feelings and wanted something more serious but he didn’t. I realized how toxic the situation was getting and that I needed to leave LA. That’s how I ended up in New York.
Sugaring here has been a lot of fun. I think in general, the men out here are more interesting than the guys in LA — more gritty, less plastic. I was pretty good at having protected sex at this point because I wasn’t on birth control and was also pretty good about getting tested regularly for STDs. I thought I had nothing to worry about. But then I went through a really stressful period in my life relating to health stuff with my family. I think that’s what triggered my herpes outbreak.
What did it feel like to find out you had genital herpes?
It hit me hard. I didn’t cry but you know when you feel that lump in the back of your throat like you’re gonna cry? That happened to me. My initial reaction was panic. I was working some bullshit part-time job at a coffee shop but my main source of income was coming from sugaring. I was also just so confused. Not that I had really paid all that much attention in health class but like, I always thought there had to be some sort of visible outbreak in order for it to be transmitted. Turns out, I was wrong.
I also just felt icky — which was something I had never experienced before. But luckily, my doctor was really comforting about the whole thing. And after doing some research, I realized how common it is. And how it’s possible to go on living my life without any sort of major repercussions. There’s medication you can take and in a lot of cases, people only ever get one outbreak anyways. I did my best to reach out to past sexual partners, but a lot of them had just been one-night stands whose info I didn’t even have. When I called my ex back in LA to tell him, he was “Ya I have it too. Everyone does.”
I asked him how long he’d known and he told me he’d only ever had one outbreak years ago before we had met. I’ll never know for sure but considering how much unprotected sex we were having, I think he’s probably the one who gave it to me. Obviously, I was pissed as hell that he had decided to keep that from me. Even if there only ever was one outbreak, herpes is herpes. But given how sociopathic he is, I guess it’s not too surprising. It’s definitely fucked with my head and made me less trusting of men.
How has herpes manifested physically in your body? Was it a one-time thing or do you have re-occurring outbreaks? What are your symptoms like?
So that first outbreak was the only one I’ve had so far. Fingers crossed it’s the only one I ever get. That happened about three months ago. I thought I was just coming down with some sort of flu or something cause I was feeling pretty shitty but then I was in the shower one day and looked down and saw these little blisters.
I get really bad ingrowns so I wasn’t 100% sure but when I got out and did a full exam in the mirror and a side-by-side google image search, I pretty much knew what was going on. I went to the clinic and got tested and the results came back positive. I went on the meds and my blisters scabbed over and cleared up like 3 or 4 weeks later. Since then, I’ve done a lot of research on how to avoid getting future breakouts. I’ve definitely become more careful about what I put into my body and am trying my best to not stress myself out, as stress is basically the number one trigger.
Given its prevalence, do you feel as though herpes is less stigmatized than it used to be?
I remember growing up and thinking herpes was like the worst STD you could get, besides AIDs obviously, because once you have it, it never goes away. But over the years, I’ve had so many friends test positive that it definitely doesn’t feel like this end-of-the-world thing anymore. Herpes and chlamydia seem to be the biggest ones out there right now. So I mean ya, there’s still stigma but basically, everybody has it or knows someone who has it.
How has your STD status affected your sugaring and sex life in general?
When I found out back in June, I had two main daddies. I was straight up about the situation and they were both really understanding about the whole thing. One of them stopped seeing me though because he’s married and doesn’t want to risk giving it to his wife, even though we always fucked with a condom for that exact reason.
But I mean, I totally get it. It just sucks for me because now I don’t have that consistent allowance. The other one still sees me but it does feel like he’s more reserved sexually and not as interested in meeting up as he used to be. We would have unprotected sex sometimes and we still do but idk I sense a shift — don’t really know how to explain it.
From a money standpoint, I am in need of another daddy but I’ve been taking a break from sugaring and normal dating. I think it’s one thing to already have a bond with someone like I do with my current daddy because at least then there’s some kind of loyalty. But with meeting up with new guys from the site, I just feel like there are so many babies out there.
If I’m upfront about my STD status, he will instantly pass me over in favor of someone who doesn’t have one. It makes the whole thing a little daunting. I’ve considered just not saying anything at all but I don’t know, I’m still thinking it over. It definitely sucks to feel like damaged goods though, that’s for sure.
What advice would you give to someone trying to navigate sex work with an STD?
Not sure I really have any good advice. As I just said, I’m still kind of deciding between whether or not to be fully honest with new guys I meet. As messed up as it sounds, I know I’d feel way less guilty lying to a sugar daddy than to a guy I meet in real life who I’m actually into. I guess I would say just be sure to have protected sex and do everything you can to avoid having an outbreak or symptoms or whatever.
What advice would you give to your younger self?
This may sound dumb but I had no idea that the standard STD panel doesn’t even test for herpes. You have to specifically ask for it. So all those years I thought I was so on top of my shit, it turned out I was never even getting tested for herpes. But then some people say the herpes test is really only effective if there’s an outbreak so idk. The whole herpes 1 versus herpes 2 thing confuses me too. I would tell my younger self to pay more attention in health class lol.
Closing thoughts?
Better safe than sorry when it comes to sex, but also having an STD — even an incurable one — is not the end of the world. Obviously, I’d rather not have herpes but I’m not going to let it stop me from living my life.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
