When you’re coming out of a long marriage or relationship, exploring a new-look sex life might be the last thing on your mind… or the first! The chance to re-establish yourself as an independent sexual being might feel exciting, and you may have lots of new things you want to try. Or you may need a time of sexual hibernation, before you are ready to re-emerge. Both are normal and ok.
How your relationship ended will likely have an impact on how long it takes you to be ready to explore – but there are no rules. Logic would say that an amicable split from a relationship that had long been sexless would be quicker to recover from than a sudden bereavement… but libido is to a degree out of our control. It can spike at times which catch us by surprise – such as ‘widow’s fire’, the surge in libido that can happen for people whose partners have passed away. Try not to judge yourself (or read emotional meaning into it that isn’t there).
Learn from the past
Whatever your situation, when you start feeling sexual desire and curiosity, it’s time to start exploring – almost. First, I strongly recommend doing some thinking about your past sexual relationship and what you want going forward.
We assess things like our jobs or our fitness routines, even aspects of our relationships, but don’t necessarily do so for sex. Doing this helps us spot negative patterns so they are less likely to happen again.
Writing it down is much more powerful than just thinking it over, even if you only make a few notes. Some questions to ask yourself include:
- What were the best things about your sex life with your ex?
- What were your least favourite things?
- What was the sexual pattern you got into – what activities in what order – and what worked for you and didn’t?
- What do you never want to do again?
- What’s your hottest unexplored curiosity?
- What’s your biggest hope for your sex life going forward?
- What action step can you take first to make that hope come true?
If you want some support in this process you can book a sex coaching session with me or another coach on Sensuali. If you feel you can’t look forward because of past trauma, or if pain from the breakup is still stopping you after six months, then find a sex therapist to help you through this. It’s the best investment you can make in your future sex life.
Claim your sexual sovereignty
Once you feel ready, this is a great time to claim your sexual sovereignty – your power and authority. When we are in a relationship where we want to please the other person, we can find ourselves melding to their sexual needs. When we are single we can be selfish. It’s a great opportunity to learn about ourselves sexually.
This does not have to mean having sex with others… You can read, take workshops and classes in things you are interested in. This could include the erotic realm as well as sexual.
While we can think of ‘sex’ as actual sexual acts with others, ‘eroticism’ includes the art, culture, emotions and meanings we place around sex. This is a great area to explore while we are single. For example, there is a whole erotic art section on Sensuali where you can find artists, photographers, body painters and more. Could this be a time to immortalise your solo, empowered erotic self, by commissioning an artwork or photo portrait of yourself?
Educate yourself
Try to resist any urge to rush into sexual interactions with others – regain a sexual connection with yourself first. Experiment with new ways to masturbate and new ways to feel pleasure. Every experience or orgasm with yourself moves you forward from your ended relationship, and makes you more ready to fully connect with someone new when the time is right.
This is a great opportunity to educate yourself. Take a journey through Sensuali, clicking on things you didn’t dare click on when you were a couple. Do you know what gooning is? Hint – it’s a great thing to explore solo when you’re not having to take anyone else’s timings into account. Or how about what CBT means – and no I am not talking cognitive behaviour therapy? Or for something super-sensual, are you aware of B2B?
You can linger as long as you like on the pages which interest you without anyone else looking over your shoulder and judging you. Be honest with yourself about your curiosities. As you’ll see on the site there are plenty of others with the same interests.
Questioning the basics
When you’re newly single is a time when it’s common to wonder whether your orientation is as fixed as you thought. It’s normal for this to fluctuate and change through your life. There are no rules – as this interview with Jasmine, who’s gone from identifying as straight, to bisexual, to bicurious, illustrates. Take Jasmine’s self-awareness and self-enquiry as inspiration. Consider societal expectations, past experiences, power dynamics, comfort zones and more.
You might also be questioning whether you want to go back into the same relationship structure as before. Especially if you were monogamous and it didn’t work out, ethical non monogamy might be something you’re curious about for the future. Take your time now to learn more about it. You’ll find an inspiring article on it here.
The bigger picture of reinvention
Sexual exploration can teach us so much about ourselves and how we relate to others and the world. It’s part of a bigger picture of reinventing yourself after a long relationship ends. Aim to enjoy this process and not rush it!
Hopefully this article has helped you feel curious over what a solo sexual life can look like and you are feeling optimistic for the pleasures ahead.
Discover more about Ruth Ramsay.
For more advice, browse all sex coaches on Sensuali.
Ruth Ramsay
Ruth is an adult sex educator and coach, UK Erotic Award winner, TEDx speaker and erotic expert. She coaches clients 1-2-1, runs an online course The Passion8 Programme four times a year, and regular online workshops with titles such as ‘Your First Sex Party’ and ‘Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies’.
