Everything that you’re about to read has already been said and continues to be brought up by sex workers. I wouldn’t say I’m here to break any new ground, but to reiterate the importance of what has already been told. I’ll also share my own personal experiences while also tackling inadequate arguments online that continue to fuel the stigma towards anything porn related. Fellas, I’m looking at you.
My experience with porn
My story with pornography began in the online world and we’re going to be focusing on digital spaces throughout this article. Back when the internet was a fixed computer in the house, I stumbled onto my first website called “Wet Pussy College”. I was young and had no idea how I got there or what was even happening on the screen.
At 13 years old, my mind couldn’t make sense of what “wet” even meant so I assumed the school had immense amounts of towels on hand. My brain did associate this type of content with a feeling and only a feeling. It feels very exciting in the moment, but it created a bad relationship later on between myself and online porn due to abstinence based sex education and having 0 insight into what sex work is outside of a sensationalized media lens.
From my late teens to my early 20’s, I would enjoy adult videos online in a way that minimized the performers on my screen. These people only existed on my computer and in my life when I wanted a release.
I barely knew their names, the production, or even where the content was coming from. Watching people on a tiny screen exclusively creates an absence of humanization in general. They slowly become instruments for your own pleasure as opposed to being seen as people. Unfortunately, I fell into that mindset like many young men continue to do because I didn’t have any guidance or background to the entertainment I was consuming.
You have to unlearn, it as hard as it may be and how long it’s going to take. Porn was not the problem. It was the lack of context, sex education, and respect that allowed these harmful ideologies to feel normal in my head. Those ideas were already being planted through mainstream media.
Things changed for the better in the earlier days of social media because I began to see more inclusive articles and real stories outside the moral panic themed think pieces from news outlets when it came to sex work. I began to understand more of the history, all the services, along with the influence sex work has had in practically every industry.
Yes, this is the white cis boy explaining the moment he discovered perspectives outside of his own. How original, I know.
Following creators directly and seeing the forms sex work took outside of just a random porn video online shared on some male-dominated forum made a huge difference.
It’s a job and the people who work in this field deserve respect and rights.
Common sex-negative takes (& why they suck)
People getting mad about sexy content.
An argument I’ve seen is men being upset over photos/videos being posted that lead to a link in that person’s bio. First of all, you should be happy to see a hottie come across your FYP. It’s like being upset about great music, a wonderful film, or an exceptional piece of art. No one is forcing you to click the link unless I’m the only one who scrolls through their phone without feeling like I’m in some hostage situation.
It’s the same way no one has to click on affiliate links for drop shipping. Smile, you just saw a booty. To be so upset about someone’s attractiveness, especially when there’s an option to experience more on another platform that is subscription-based is a reaction that I can’t wrap my head around.
People who try to report sensual photos for breaking community guidelines is like calling the police because the sunset is too pretty.
Go back inside and shut the curtains. Do something else since it’s costs 0$ to mind your business. Misogyny and whorephobia makes you look stupid without fail.
“Real men don’t give into that”
I’m still waiting for someone to show me this famous Man-o-meter with the way masculinity is perpetually measured.
Putting down women/femmes while hiding behind a screen doesn’t make you manly. Life doesn’t have to feel like an unseasoned meal.
It’s perfectly normal to have desires and feel attraction to others.
The issue is when this self-inflected rejection turns into violent rhetoric to anyone who “sells sexy” because your masculinity dictates entitlement over other people’s bodies. It’s okay to seek out sexual experiences online, but it’s not okay to become hateful when someone says “Okay. Pay me”.
I would be a liar if I said I wasn’t anxious practically every time I’ve engaged in the services someone else had to offer. I never felt at any moment I was being scammed, shamed, or feeling “less of a man”. Not once have I ever felt regret. There was a sense of anxiety due to my own intimacy and sharing that with someone while also grappling with the idea in the back of my head that I was wasting that person’s time.
Truly silly when you think about it, but it feels very real. I’m not someone who is into the ‘wilder’ kinks and fetishes either, but I still felt nervous about sharing that intimacy with someone who I wasn’t dating, knew in person, or even been addressed by directly beforehand. Every single sex worker has always been extremely kind and understanding. I know that anxiety will slowly fade away because I’m still unlearning what we’ve all been told about sex work.
“Good luck getting a job when you’ve done sex work”
If I had the chance to hire someone, it would be sex worker, so let’s break that down. I would know that they’re great at communication and have emotional intelligence/a knack for understanding people. Being able to create images and videos shows me they’re skilled in multimedia editing.
Not to mention creating backdrops and putting together outfits is practically set design and fashion. Gaining traction and views online is a display of social media management and comprehending trends and algorithms. Being aware of legislation and politics because laws and bills continuously get passed that make sex work more complicated than it should be.
Why wouldn’t I want to hire someone who has been a sex worker? I wouldn’t hire the guy who pulled out his camera to record and edit himself ranting about how much he hates Only Fans girls while un-ironically bringing up digital footprints.
“It’s paid rape”
Oh, so now we’re going to address what consent is when it fits our desires to silence or punch down a specific group.
All men become consent experts when a gay guy flirts with them at a bar or when they argue against sex workers for simply existing.
The reality is that all boundaries for everyone involved have to be respected. You’re not paying to erase sex workers, you’re paying for a service. Communication is not bypassed or excluded just because of a job. I cannot stress more how important these conversations are along with having access to proper sex education.
Change is possible!
The times I have been very hostile or mean towards others have been when I was feeling deeply insecure about myself. That was a me problem that others people picked up the tab for. No one wins. I felt I wasn’t enough and lacked any form of value. I was a young idiot who simply wanted attention but got it through toxic means.
Pornography was never the problem. It’s not a way to live nor is it going make that feeling go away by taking down others for simply being themselves. With the help of therapy, opening up to my friends, hearing stories outside my own, and taking a good look at myself, it was due to outdated ideas we’re fed as boys. “Male philosophy” and rules that we benefit from while simultaneously destroying ourselves with. That’s what people mean when they talk about the patriarchy.
I see a lot of these men as wounded and I’m aware I’m preaching to the choir. I disagree with anyone who believes we need sex workers to be intimate with these men to fix the problem because it would mean putting sex workers in more danger. Even though all that anger comes from a common wound, it doesn’t make it an excuse nor does it allow you to pass that pain on to others.
You can’t disguise your misogyny and whorephobia as “rescuing” because if you actually listened, it’s about rights and respect. Controlling sex workers through saying you know what’s best in counterproductive.
“Protect the Children” and “Anti Sex Trafficking” stances aren’t hiding your hate and everyone is tired. If someone does sex work full time, part time, as a means to an end, on and off, etc. – well guess what? That’s not your business. It’s not my business. The only thing you should care about is that sex workers are safe while doing it like any other job, because sex work is work.
Of course, there is so much more to be said about all of this and you should follow it up. There are so many amazing articles and educators to learn from on Sensuali and on the internet itself. If you ever thought of me as a feminist, progressive, inclusive, etc. that’s because of everything I learnt from listening to sex workers.
My erotic art wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for sex workers. I said that at the start of this article that everything I’ve said here has already been expressed by sex workers. If you can listen to me, there’s no excuse why you can’t listen to them. Go subscribe to someone already.
Featured photo by Armando Cabba.
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Armando Cabba
Armando Cabba is an artist originally from Montreal. His body of work primarily consist of the duality of portraiture and abstraction along with everything in between. Armando’s work is held in private collections in North America and Europe. After a few years working independently in Italy, he moved to Paris where he currently continues to create.
