Brooklyn is full of cool girls. They are the feminist, boss bitches who are financially and emotionally independent. While it’s great to be in a position to not need a man, I often notice that cool girls struggle to let down their guards and forge the kind of meaningful romantic relationships they so desperately crave and deserve.
This week, I sat down with a close friend and bonafide cool girl to get the scoop on the ups and downs of her dating life:
Give me a little background on your dating history: timeframe of serious relationships, dating style, what attracts you to a guy.
My dating history has kind of been all over the place. My introduction to dating was a bit fucked up. It was your typical, college fuckboy type of thing. I was head over heels for the guy and he was obviously not as into me. I lost my virginity to him and I tried using sex as a way to make him fall in love with me. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t not work out.
That kind of skewed my perspective of myself and men and dating in general. I’ve only had one serious boyfriend since then. It’s mostly just been random hookups and casual flings. That first experience with sex and dating definitely influenced the way I date now because I feel like I have to have sex to feel close to men.
I’m also always on guard because I’m scared to let men into my life and my space. I always have this expectation that they are just gonna hurt me or that something bad is gonna happen. I tend to be attracted to very cool, chill guys who have a calming masculine energy to them.
I also gravitate toward avoidant guys. I always find myself in these push-pull-type situations, where they will give me a little bit of intimacy but then they will take it away. This kind of uncertainty leaves me feeling super anxious and bad about myself.
How does the way you were raised play into who you’re attracted to and what you’re looking for? Does the pressure your parents put on you when it comes to dating impact how you feel about yourself and the way you date?
For sure. My relationship with my parents has always been complicated. They were really, really hard on me growing up and had crazy expectations. I felt like my value was only in the achievements that I could show them; that their love for me was conditional.
They didn’t really give me a lot of affection either, and I tend to recreate this trauma in my romantic life. I’m always chasing after these emotionally unavailable guys and the more they deny me love and affection, the harder and harder I push to get it.
Tell me about your latest situationship. What did you like about him, how did things play out, and how do you feel about it now?
My latest situationship was with this guy who I was very physically attracted to. He was also very successful in his career and passionate about his work, which was super hot. We had moments of intimacy that made me think that it could lead to something.
Usually in situations like this, I tend to play the cool girl. As in, I don’t really ask for intentions or ask for anything beyond what we’re doing – which is usually just casual sex. But I’m at a stage in my life where I’m trying to not play the cool girl as much. I’m trying to be more open up about how I’m feeling.
I usually hide my emotions because I don’t want to play all my cards without knowing what the other person’s intentions are. But usually doing this just drags things out and causes me to get anxious about what’s happening between us.
So this last time around, I tried to be more upfront by asking for clarification on intentions because I didn’t want to waste my energy on something that wasn’t really going where I wanted it to go. I sent a heartfelt text message basically putting it all on the line and he completely ghosted.
I feel like that situation just reaffirmed a lot of beliefs that I already had about myself and my romantic life – this feeling that guys only ever really like me for the idea of me and that when I try to fully be myself, they aren’t interested.
I was really down about it for a while. But now reflecting back on it, I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there. It shows that I’m growing. I’m trying to be more vulnerable and more communicative about what I want rather than just holding it all in and letting the other person take the lead.
If you’re being brutally honest with yourself, why do you think you get so burned when something like this happens? What are your deep rooted insecurities and where do they stem from?
I think it definitely stems from self-esteem issues. Overall, my experiences with dating have been quite negative. Every time I get burned, it makes me feel like I’m ulovable or like I’m not worthy of being the girl a guy wants to make his girlfriend. I always seem to get written off as the fun, chill girl who’s good for sex but who’s not dating material. It makes me feel like I’m just a placeholder until a guy finds the right person for them.
So on the rare occasionI I do get emotionally invested, like this last time, I am extra sensitive when things don’t work out and I get rejected. It makes me feel like that little girl again, who’s just trying to prove myself and make myself worthy in the eye of whoever’s affection I’m trying to get.
What steps did you take to get out of sad girl mode when that asshole ghosted?
I’ve definitely turned a lot towards spirituality. I try really hard to just have faith in the universe. I remind myself that it’s always in alignment, even when it feels like it’s not. Things happen for a reason and maybe this just wasn’t the right person or the right time for me. The universe has reset me on a path that I’m supposed to be on.
After this last situation, I also found myself using escapism as a coping mechanism. I literally just left New York and visited friends in different cities and countries. Here I am with you right now in Argentina. Being here has definitely helped me get out of my little Brooklyn bubble and give me some much needed perspective.
Because this person ghosted me, I feel like I didn’t get to fully express everything that I wanted to say, so you and I wrote letters to our exes and burned them. It was very therapeutic to get everything that I was thinking and feeling out on paper and to read it out loud before setting it on fire and letting it all go.
It made me accept that what happened happened and that there’s nothing I can do about it now besides learning from it and moving forward. I also paid an astrologist 100 fucking dollars and bought a rhodochrosite crystal necklace. It’s a pink crystal that is the official stone of Argentina and which is apparently a good luck charm for attracting love into your life.
Do you plan to change your approach to dating and interacting with men going forward to break the emotionally distant, cool girl cycle?
I think so. I think now I have a little bit more clarity on what I’m looking for. In this past situation, I wasn’t super clear about what I wanted because I didn’t actually know. But as we kept seeing each other, I think I realized that I did want some emotional connection beyond just having sex.
Now that I have that clarity, I think going forward I will be a lot more intentional when it comes to dating and just more communicative about what my expectations are. I’m also going to be much more transparent when I’m not into someone. Getting ghosted sucked and I don’t think you should ever ghost because it’s like knowingly leaving someone in the dark and that’s fucked up.
I went on a date recently and it was fine. The guy was nice and we had a good convo but by the end of the night, I knew I didn’t want to pursue anything romantic. So rather than just leaving it open like I might have done before, I just told him straight up that I really only felt a friendship connection. He was taken back at first and said he wasn’t used to someone being so explicit, but in the end, I think he was grateful for my honesty.
Talk about emotional maturity! I have mad respect for you.. Ok, now for something a little more lighthearted: describe your dream guy / situation.
That’s a hard one because I feel like I usually go for guys that aren’t good for me. So I’m trying to reframe what my dream guy is. I’ve come to the conclusion that I want a monogamous relationship. And I definitely want to be with a guy who’s ambitious about something.
It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as I see that he is passionate about something and has the work ethic and drive to reach his goals. But there obviously has to be a balance. I don’t want someone who is only focused on his career. I want someone who enjoys life and has the ability to chill and smell the roses.
What advice would you give to other “cool girls” who keep finding themselves getting burned and who want to break the cycle?
As a retired cool girl (hopefully!), I feel like cool girls never get what they want. I think that once a guy sees you as a cool, chill girl, it sets a precedent for how he is going to treat you and the effort – or lack there of – that he is going to put in. I think that once you signal to a guy that you’re okay with anything, it lets him know that he doesn’t have to put in that much effort and that you’re just going to accept things that you shouldn’t.
Obviously, there’s a balance though. Immediately being like, “I want a relationship!” is also going to push most guys away. But like, you have to reach a balance where you’re being true to yourself and your needs. I’m generally a chill person, but I realize now that I need to be a little more open about what I’m looking for.
Closing thoughts?
After so many experiences getting hurt and blaming myself, I’ve finally found some peace. No one should ever feel like it reflects on who they are or their value as a person. I think that everyone is on their own path and if things don’t work out between you and someone else, that doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of love. It just wasn’t meant to be. Try to have faith in the universe and eventually, everything will fall into place for you.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
