What’s your background?
My name is Scott. I’m 29. I work in film and make six figures a year. I’m lucky to have found a creative outlet I’m so passionate about and that pays me well. You could say I’m living the dream. At least on the outside. Inside, I’m just as sad and lonely as every other career-obsessed millennial in New York. I’ve never had trouble getting girls but I have had trouble connecting with them and humans in general.
Somehow my last two relationships have both been with women that have done sugar babying. It was actually pretty shocking that I ended up falling in love with the second one because after dating the first one, I promised myself that I’d never date someone with a sex work past again.
What led you to that conclusion?
I had hangups going into that first relationship too. I think most men do. But this girl, Lisa, was just so amazing. Capable as fuck and also very sweet. From day one she was upfront about her past. She told me that that part of her life was over but that she still carried some trauma. So I decided to take a chance. Though I valued our ability to be open and honest, sometimes Lisa would get too graphic about her past in a way that made me uncomfortable.
Being able to speak freely about this stuff was a big deal for her, so I avoided confronting her about it. But I couldn’t stand hearing details of all the sexual acts she had performed on men for money and the nonchalance with which she would mention getting raped. Her hypersexuality was for sure some sort of trauma response that I was directly benefiting from, but there was something sad and honestly just gross about the lack of self-respect she had for herself.
But the real dealbreaker after three years was the lies and the games. Lisa herself openly admitted to having a warped perception of reality thanks to sugaring. The characters she played around sugar daddies had begun to blur with her own personality. Her world had become more fragmented, and she found herself becoming this mysterious, larger-than-life character who was incapable of being honest. In the end, I found she had gone back to sugaring and was lying about it and that was it for me.
But then I met Dahlia. She had also done sugaring and we ended up really hitting it off. There was something more pure and forthcoming about her than Lisa. Our relationship was short-lived for other reasons, but my time with her made me re-evaluate a lot of things. Mostly, I realized how harshly I had judged Lisa for her sex work past.
What drove your opinion around sex work to change?
I still think sex work is a skill-less job that is exploitative to women and damaging to society as a result. But my moral judgments are reserved for systems rather than individuals from here on out. It’s not like I ever took issue with a woman in a third-world country engaging in sex work to feed her family. That is a very sad situation, of course, but not one that I judge.
But, these privileged liberal American white girls with their college degrees and delusions of grandeur have always been in a league of their own. They want to act like spoiled princesses without having to do any work. God forbid my sexist requests my girl cooks dinner while I’m out working late. Men are out here busting their asses for the chance to pursue and provide for potential mates, while women are having their every need catered to. It’s bullshit. And I know things shift once we hit our thirties but god damn.
Dahlia was able to help me see that so much of my judgment stemmed from my own sense of inadequacy. Not only do I not have the option to be some hot girl who can live in New York without actually having to work, but I am nowhere near as wealthy as the 50-year-old daddies out there. I’m doing well for a guy my age but it will take me decades to acquire the kind of wealth needed to buy a yacht or penthouse.
I also just imagine these old guys and how gross they are. Reducing women down to sex objects. I was raised by strong women so being a sex work patron has never even crossed my mind. But I know I’ve judged them unfairly too. Some probably are the psycho type but most of them are probably just sad, lonely dudes who are looking for connection. At the end of the day, they are not so different from me. Who am I to judge?
What do you wish you could say to the women in your life you’ve wrongfully slut-shamed for their sex work pasts?
I’m a total shithead. Men are trash. You ladies are just out here playing the game. If I could do it, I probably would too. As long as you don’t lose sight of your worth outside of your sexuality, I say go for it.
What advice would you give to a man whose girlfriend just opened up to him about her sex work past?
Hear her out before you react. She’s gonna tell you shit that makes your blood boil. You’re gonna want to flip a shit. But just remember how hard it is for her to be coming to you and opening up in the first place. With all the stigma out there, there’s no need for you to add fuel to the fire. Just listen and love.
Do you think it’s better for the woman to lay her past out on the table for the start or to open up about when trust and intimacy have been established?
I really appreciated how upfront Lisa was about her past. She told me day one. Dahlia waited for a few dates in to tell me. Both instances felt organic. I think with stuff like that, it’s best to get it out of the way as soon as you can. Otherwise, it becomes this skeleton in the closet that collects dust and morphs into a lie. If you’re afraid it might be a dealbreaker, that’s probably a sign you’re not with the right person.
Is there a body count you deem too high and/or certain sexual acts you deem too unsavory for a woman you would consider hooking up with? What about dating?
Not gonna lie, I love a slut. I will fuck the shit out of her. But dating is a different story. I’m a sex-positive guy who lives in Brooklyn so maybe this isn’t what you are expecting or wanting to hear, but guys do care about that kind of stuff — no matter how much women try to convince themselves otherwise. Not looking for a virgin but a body count over thirty starts to get dicey for me when it comes to long-term girlfriend material. Lisa’s count was about three times that and though she may well be the love of my life, I definitely wasn’t into that.
Closing thoughts?
Men just want the same thing as women — to be appreciated.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.