What was your parents’ relationship like growing up and how did that influence your outlook on relationships?
My parents are monogamous. They have been married for 45 years. I don’t know how they do that. It was my model for a relationship, but after 2 marriages that lasted 8, then 7 years I finally admitted to myself this is not for me. Monogamy became a should. At some point I began to recognize that all “should” statements in my mind need to be investigated.
What are your thoughts on the idea that monogamy is a social construct?
I think it’s one of the failed systems that is still in place out of a fear of change. The historical roots of monogamy lay heavily in both keeping wealth in a family and also keeping women disempowered.
In your mind, is there a difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy? What about polyamory versus just identifying as single?
In my experience of life, everyone loves a multitude of different people to varying grayscales of affection and acceptance. We are all technically polyamorous, meaning we love many. Culturally, Colloquially, the difference is more of a question of whether you are sexually active with multiple people.
In NYC dating culture I have seen and discussed and participated in dating multiple people at the same time. This could or could not include sex, it’s up to the people involved. There was little to no communication about who the other people are dating. Kind of a free for all. It’s called dating.
I recently went on a date with a woman who agreed that when dating many people at the same time, and some overlapped, but because she labeled it dating it was acceptable.
Non Monogamy. I’m guessing many people who are tired or feeling stuck being monogamous use non-monogamous as a term that justifies them finding other partners outside of their agreed upon relationship container. So much so that at some point, “Ethical” became popular to use before non-monogamous to symbolize that thought and permission are in play which allows someone to seek arrangements outside of the relationship bubble.
It’s funny because no one says Ethically monogamous. There are a number of different relationship styles that fall under non-monogamy which is an umbrella term for different kinds of arrangements. I am only aware of a few. Polyamorous, which could mean that a person either is in love with multiple people, or sleeping with multiple people.
Kitchen table polyamorous means that all people involved know of and have some sort of relationship with the other members of the constellation. constellation is a term that represents the connections between people in a polyamorous relationship. Polyamorous means you can be sexually and emotionally active with as many people as you want.
When did you start identifying as polyamorous and what brought you to that conclusion about yourself?
I came out of the closet as polyamorous this year. It happened after being married twice and realizing that through meditation my heart was so open that I really had a lot of love for so many people. The confines of not being allowed to express how I felt to everyone I fell in love with lead me to realize that I can’t be monogamous. When I took ownership of it for myself it really allowed me to feel comfortable with myself and begin a new journey of exploration.
What advice would you give to a friend who wanted to give polyamory a try?
I’d say it’s important to be clear on what you really want. Do you want to be able to love many people in your life, or do you want to be able to sleep with many people in your life, or do you want both? Because that’ll really lead you to understand your access point to this new style of relationship. Above all else, communication is the most important factor that will lead to happiness and success. If there are any emotions or thoughts that you’re in conflict with, it’s important to make sure that everyone involved is aware and comfortable, so check in, check in, check in.
What would you say to the polyamory haters who claim that you are choosing non-monogamy due to unresolved trauma from past relationships and / or an inability to commit?
I’d say that any unresolved trauma from past relationships and / or an inability to commit will plague anyone if they are poly or mono. Poly is just an opportunity to cause more havoc with more people, but it is also an opportunity to grow faster if done healthily. Poly relationships require so so much more communication and checking in with yourself and with other people. I see it as a fast track to self work with other people if used as such. The same could be said of monogamy. It’s really about you as an individual and working through your shit.
Polyamory takes so much more self understanding, introspection, and the ability to communicate that it’s a fantastic way to work through your own individual trauma and improve the way that you relate to other people when done right with love and respect to everyone.
Do you think your polyamory is just a phase, i.e if and when you meet “the one,” you’ll be ready to go back to a monogamous way of life?
The idea of the one is a Disney construct. I challenge anyone who holds this ideal dear to ask themselves if they are ever contented or satisfied with one of anything? How many friends do you have? How many relationships have you ever had? Some people are contented to be with one person for their entire life, and that’s great. But for me, not a single person could play the role of all the different complex expressions of a relationship. And, I don’t think it’s fair to ask someone to be everything for me. Too much pressure. This idealized, “one,” I’m sure, has their own life to live and lessons to learn, and doesn’t have to time to be the everything for me. Would you?
How early on into dating do you usually tell someone you’re polyamorous?
It’s on all my dating profiles so people know when they click or swipe. Also, if it is not on the profile, in rare cases we meet on the street, first thing.
What’s it like telling someone you’re dating that you are polyamorous? Are people generally cool about it or do they get pissed?
So far everyone has been cool. People generally know what they want, so they will want to learn more or they will say it’s not for me.
Do you think being polyamorous is still stigmatized or are we living in truly liberated times?
It’s still stigmatized. But, it’s also trendy in the same way kink is trendy. Like children, so many people are starting to explore with out knowledge or experience and as a result some people get hurt mentally or emotionally. I urge people to take classes in all things so everyone’s heart is protected.
How many people in your network of friends and family identify as polyamorous / non-monogamous versus monogamous?
Half/half
Have you ever hung out / hooked up with multiple partners at once? If no, is this something you would like to try or do you prefer keeping your relationships separate?
I have not tried this yet. I’d love to try. I’d also like to offer that sometimes it can feel unbalanced when one person feels left out so I’m my ideal conceptualization of how this would be most beneficial to all parties, I’d recommend taking turns. One person is the focal point at a time until everybody satisfied. Looking forward to test this out.
Do you ever get jealous and how do you handle that? What about when other people get jealous?
I don’t get jealous anymore. I worked that out when I was 20, but what I do still feel is FOMO. If one of my partners is talking about some kind of kinky or sexual experience that I haven’t yet experienced I might start to feel envious that I don’t have that point of reference, or had that physical interaction. This can sometimes feel a little bit like jealousy, but it’s not the same. It definitely creates that strong wave of desire to have more experiences. The way I deal with it and the way I’d recommend to deal with jealousy also is to sit down, close the eyes, and notice where the discomfort is in your body, and then just sit with it until it subsides.
Describe your current polyamorous roster.
I have a remote partner in Denver, a remote partner in Boston, and a partner in Brooklyn. I’m currently looking for a play partner for kinky explorations.
Describe your dream polyamorous roster.
Ideally it would be kitchen table style. I’d love to have four or five people who also loved each other and we could all be completely open with our feelings and thoughts and have dinners and vacations and exploration together.
What’s been your most fun adventure since becoming polyamorous?
I care for each individual deeply, everyone has their own story and own beautiful intricacies. Every first date, every first kiss, every first sexual encounter, and even beyond that, anyone who shows up to go deep, who is willing to open one of those boxes with me from the deepest regions of their closet, that’s what I love the most. Being human, open, loving, and that willingness to grow and explore. Each new encounter invites me to show up more and more and I love that.
What about your most cringe?
Still trying to figure that out. Been finding that all the boundaries are an illusion. Whenever I hit something uncomfortable, with more love and exposure the boundary dissolves.
Any additional thoughts / questions / comments?
Be safe, be communicative, and remember to protect the heart first. Yours and theirs.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
