What was your parents’ relationship like growing up and how did that influence your outlook on relationships?
They had a really healthy relationship. My parents are still together. They’ve been together for almost 40 years. I grew up in the perfect nuclear family. And I definitely grew up seeing my dad pamper and spoil my mom and treat her like an absolute queen. So I guess that influenced my relationships, in that I 100% expect to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. I guess he kind of set the bar high because I really don’t put up with a lot of shit from people.
What are your thoughts on the idea that monogamy is a social construct?
I don’t like to shame anyone — monogamous, non-monogamous, poly, whatever. I feel like people got to do what works for them. Also, I don’t think it makes sense to look at how we used to be in relationships when we were hunter-gatherers. I’ve done some research and the women would sleep with everyone.
So no one really knew who the father was and people had a more community based way of living, so everyone would pitch in and, you know, raise the kids and there was no individualism. It was a collective effort. But the fact of the matter is we don’t live that way.
Now, if you have a kid, it’s your responsibility. If you’re in a relationship, it’s just you and that person. So I don’t know, is it a social construct? I guess it is, but I think it also makes sense for the way the world is set up now. I know that people that are polyamorous or just have multiple partners and I mean, it’s hard for them. You can’t be married to more than one person. The legal system is not set up to support those kinds of relationships. So I don’t know.
In your mind, is there a difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy? What about polyamory versus just identifying as single?
I don’t think so. Especially because people continue to come up with new terms and ways of identifying themselves and the way that they date. I recently discovered a term called “solo poly,” where you don’t have partners that you’re committed to, but you’re just out in the world dating and fucking who you want. To me, solo poly just sounds like ethical non-monogamy, like we’re all fucking somebody’s homie. You know what I’m saying?
And especially like, cis-straight people. I feel like we have a bad habit of not communicating and not being transparent. That’s been my experience at least and ya, everyone’s out here sleeping with multiple people. I just feel like we don’t talk about it. So I think if more people did talk about it, maybe we wouldn’t need a name for it. We wouldn’t need to call it ethical non-monogamy or poly. We’re all a little bit poly. Hopefully, we’re being ethical about who we’re dating and being transparent.
When did you start identifying as polyamorous and what brought you to that conclusion about yourself?
I honestly think it’s from being in New York too long hahaha. Nah, living here has opened me up to a lot of different ways of living and lifestyles. Honestly, I’ve had a rough go at dating pretty much my whole life. I’ve never had a super serious relationship. I’m 30 years old. I’ve been in them but nothing super long term.
And to be honest, I don’t think I ever found what I was looking for just in one person. So I thought maybe if I open myself up and you know, fulfill my different wishes by partnering up with multiple people, instead of just trying to find that one person that’s gonna do it all for me — I’d be able to find more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
What advice would you give to a friend who wanted to give polyamory a try?
I’m new to it. I honestly need advice myself, but from what little experience I’ve had with it, one word of advice would be that people in the community can try to come off as super woke or super ethical and blah blah, blah. And I’ve met some very non-ethical, polyamorous motherfuckers in the streets.
So yeah, don’t let that term fool you. Not everyone has good intentions who is out here using that term. So just be really careful. Pay attention to how they treat you and the things that they say. And really make sure that it’s not just a guy trying to be a total hoe.
What would you say to the polyamory haters who claim that you are choosing non-monogamy due to unresolved trauma from past relationships and / or an inability to commit?
I kind of addressed that in the last question. I definitely did open myself up to it because I was having a hard time dating and I wasn’t meeting the one so I thought, you know, maybe this will be better for me. Maybe what I’m looking for is unrealistic and it doesn’t fucking exist. So absolutely — it could be a trauma response. It could be because something wasn’t working. But personally, that’s how I am. I pivot. I try new things when something’s not working for me and I try to be open to everything. So yeah, even if it is a trauma response, that’s okay.
Do you think your polyamory is just a phase, i.e if and when you meet “the one,” you’ll be ready to go back to a monogamous way of life?
So actually, I did recently meet (maybe) the one. It feels that way so far. It’s my college sweetheart who I’ve known for 14 years and right now, we’re not doing the poly thing or the open relationship.
So right now I am monogamous, but I’m really happy and I don’t know, I don’t think you have to stick with a lifestyle just because it’s what you set out to do. I’m really, really happy and content in the relationship that I’m in right now, and it not being open. That could change in the future. But right now, I’m just in this little love bubble and I’m completely satisfied and happy with the way it is.
How early on into dating do you usually tell someone you’re polyamorous?
I tried to tell people pretty early on. I didn’t get much experience doing that because right as I started to explore the poly lifestyle, I reconnected with my college sweetheart. And now we’re doing the monogamous thing. So I didn’t have to do it that much. But I definitely think you should be upfront and open about it. You don’t want to spring that shit on anyone.
What’s it like telling someone you’re dating that you are polyamorous? Are people generally cool about it or do they get pissed?
If you’re meeting people on dating apps, I definitely think it should be in your profile and hopefully that filters out you meeting up or going on dates with someone who’s not cool with that, because that should just be like an upfront thing.
No one’s gotten pissed, but people have definitely been taken aback. They get really curious or just think it’s totally insane. I think that stems from the society that we live in and capitalism. Why do you think that you deserve to own somebody? It’s funny to see how uncomfortable it can make some people.
It never made me uncomfortable, even when I wasn’t living the lifestyle. If I met someone who said they were poly, I didn’t have a visceral reaction in my body the way I’ve seen people have towards me. It kind of just blows their mind and I don’t get why it’s so mind-blowing.
Do you think being polyamorous is still stigmatized or are we living in truly liberated times?
I didn’t explore it long enough to have many interactions in the world where I was presenting as poly. But I don’t see poly people being held down in life or getting the shit end of the stick because they are poly. I wouldn’t compare it to racism or anything like that, where it actually affects your life. People might look at you weird or say something that you don’t like or that’s insensitive, but I mean, that’s nothing compared to some of the other shit that people are dealing with. You know, words are just words.
How many people in your network of friends and family identify as polyamorous / non-monogamous versus monogamous?
I would say I know three people.
Have you ever hung out / hooked up with multiple partners at once? If no, is this something you would like to try or do you prefer keeping your relationships separate?
No, I’ve never had a threesome or anything like that. It’s not that appealing to me. And no, I don’t think that’s something I need to do. It would have to be a very special situation with very special people that I love and trust, but I don’t see myself doing that.
Do you ever get jealous and how do you handle that? What about when other people get jealous?
Yeah, I think jealousy is a natural emotion. I’ve read some things about self-soothing and regulating your nervous system — just taking note of the feelings you get in your body. You know, you get a little jealous and your heart starts to tighten up or beats a little faster.
Just having that awareness of the feelings coming up in your body and where you’re feeling it in your body is helpful. I feel like when you’re acutely aware and can put your finger on it, then you can do something to tame it or talk to your brain and calm it down.
Describe your current polyamorous roster.
I’m currently monogamous. My relationship is long distance. So I mean, like I said, right now we’re in such a love bubble and I don’t get to see him that often — probably like once or twice a month if we’re lucky. But I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if a year from now, that will really bother me and maybe I will want more affection day-to-day. So I feel like polyamory could come in handy in that capacity, but right now it’s too soon to tell. I’m just super happy and content.
Describe your dream polyamorous roster.
It would probably be my bae now, who I’m totally head over heels for and then maybe just someone on the side that I really connect with. I see myself having a primary partner that I want to make my life with. I don’t see myself having like 2,3,4 people that I want to do that with, so maybe just someone on the side that’s like mad cool. And we share an interest that maybe I don’t have with my current partner. Like there’s something that I’m into but he’s not and I meet someone that is and I can go do that thing with this other person.
What’s been your most fun adventure since becoming polyamorous?
Meeting a poly guy on an app who lived upstate. He had a primary partner girlfriend that he was super in love with. He invited me upstate to hang out in his cabin. It was just a really fun, little getaway. We went on all these little adventures in the woods and cooked food. It was a cute escape — especially living in this goddamn crazy city — just getting to go be with somebody new in a different environment.
What about your most cringe?
The very last guy that I tried the poly thing with. I met him on an app. He told me on our first date all the details of his dating life. He had three people he was seeing. He wasn’t partnered but had been seeing all of them for at least a year. So he was committed in a sense, but single aka solo poly and that was super cringe because I really liked him and we had a great connection and I got super excited to get to know him and to keep hanging out. Our first date was awesome. And then he would initiate talking about the future and talking about things he wanted to do with me like, “Let’s go on road trips. Let’s do this and that.”
Come to find out this motherfucker could barely make time for me. I think after our second date, he just started becoming really flaky and mismanaging his schedule. I get it — dating and fucking three bitches can’t be easy, but I don’t know, polyamory isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be sometimes. So I ended up going off on him and never speaking to him again, just because I felt like he was disrespecting my time by making plans and then canceling last minute. You know, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Also super cringe that he kind of expected sex very early on, like on the first date. You know, we had our date and then we went back to his house to have a nightcap and keep talking and then I could tell that he was expecting sex and I’m like, just because you’re poly or I’m poly or we’re doing the poly thing doesn’t mean you should assume that I just want to jump into bed with you.
I’m genuinely looking for real connections and to date someone and get close to them. I don’t know what it is with the poly, non-monogamous thing, but that’s what I’m talking about when I say you have to be careful with people. In hindsight, I feel like all he wanted was sex, especially with the way he started to treat me afterwards. It’s like, what were your intentions to begin with?
Any additional thoughts / questions / comments?
Be a hoe. Do what you want. Try all the different lifestyles. Life is short. Have fun. Don’t hurt anybody’s feelings.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
