It’s no lie that sugaring can be major fun and games. You’re eating at restaurants where the bill almost equates to your monthly rent payment, the sex is actually slightly better than the drunken one night stands you have with the awkward guys your own age and best of all, you’re getting a fat wad of cash at the end of it that will see you through the rest of the month.
Plus the excitement of it all (the late night taxi rides through the city, the sexual tension across dinner tables, the mere knowledge that what you’re doing is frowned upon by wider society) has you feeling like you’re truly living the scandalous city girl life.
It’s no lie that sugar dating has its positives …until it gets addictive.
My bestie, Val*, has recently taken a break from her sugar life. Although I’m all for the fuck you, pay me profession, I believe it’s very important to acknowledge that there can be shitty things about sugaring. I asked Val to give me her testimony. Here, in her own words are the 4 main reasons why she pressed pause on her sugar dates.
The Youth Fomo
I was away in New York. It was a hot spring day. My sugar daddy was at one of his many meetings, and I had the day to explore the city all by myself. I stumbled upon Washington Square Park. In the middle of it was a skate spot. Loads of people around my age sat in a circle watching the skaters.
Music played, everyone was dressed in crazy fits, and everyone was high. I sat with them, in my boring sugar daddy-friendly fit, chewing on some grape gum that I’d bought in a 7 Eleven.
As the sun hit my face and I half-listened to the conversations that buzzed around me, I felt so happy and so, so sad. I was part of them but also very far away from them. This was exactly the type of crowd me and my friends would normally hang with. I imagined being there with them instead- the fun we’d have, the people we’d get talking to.
I started to think about all of the sugar adventures I’d been on with daddies. I’d let them take my traveller’s virginity of so many cities. And I would never get my first impression of those cities back. Was it worth it? I was spending so much time on dates and trips out of the country that I rarely saw my friends, and when I then realised that I had slept with more sugar guys than ‘normal’ guys, it was kind of the final straw.
I get why this is no biggie for a lot of people. What’s the difference, the sex can be shitty in both instances, except that at least you’re getting paid by the sugar guys, right? It’s true, but I also kept thinking- when else am I going to sleep with guys my age if not now? I have all my life to fuck with 50 year olds, but when else will I be an innocent early twenties gal consummating with a fellow innocent early twenties guy?
I always prided myself off of making the most of every age I’ve been, doing all of the things I could that I might not be able to get away with at a later life stage. This was the first time that I felt I was letting my life run away from me. So yeah, I guess it started to properly sink in that by spending all this time with guys twice my age, I was missing out on the normal experiences of a 24 year old.
The Sugar Baby Persona
Back when I lived in Whitechapel, once every week my friend and I used to go to the only charity shop in the area and hunt for treasures. We were both sugaring at the time, and I remember rifling through the items, picking up dresses and wondering whether they would be good for sugar dates.
We used to describe an item that would work for a sugar date as being ‘daddy-proof’. Now, there’s nothing wrong with buying a daddy-proof outfit, as long as it’s something you actually like and would also wear in your normal life.
At first, I wouldn’t dream of buying things I didn’t like, but once I was regularly seeing the same daddies, and I knew what look they specifically were into, I was starting to buy outfits solely for the purpose of seeing them- outfits that I didn’t feel anything like myself in.
I had no idea who this trench coated – perfectly combed haired – skinny jeaned beige ass bitch was, but she wasn’t me! My wardrobe was gradually becoming filled with clothes that didn’t represent me whatsoever. The sugar baby persona was taking over- and in my personality too. I’d fallen into the class drag trap…
I’d gotten very used to acting as the ultimate sugar daddy fantasy: a perfect mix between girl and woman. I was confident and daring, I knew what I wanted, I had emotional depth, but I was also naive to the big wide world and childishly optimistic. I challenged them, but never pushed too far.
Deep down, they always had the upper hand. When you spend so much of your time pretending to be the patriarchal fantasy for funsies, you put yourself at risk of accidentally becoming that patriarchal fantasy. The imitation becomes reality.
I’m not saying that this will happen to everyone who does sugaring, in fact, I can speak from experience when saying the best sugar relationships come from simply being yourself. What I am saying is that when you do it very often, with men you don’t feel comfortable around, it’s not difficult to permanently slip into a watered down version of yourself.
It can be very easy to lose who you are when you’re spending so much of your time pretending to be someone else.
Easy Money is Addictive
I’m not motivated by money. I’ve never cared about getting a well paid job, been interested in an abundance of material items, or even in having any real financial security. But coming from a working class background, and being offered 2k to quite literally go on holiday- to pass up that offer simply seemed stupid to me.
So I couldn’t refuse. I didn’t even need the money but it just felt so easy to get.
It was very addictive- you’re practically your own manager so it’s very easy to overwork because there’s no assigned breaks. And because the money was so easy to get, it became easy to spend. I was eating out all the time, and splashing out on little things, like much fancier versions of everyday essentials. Once you get used to living that way, it’s hard to adjust back.
Sugaring is great because you’re kind of living in a dreamland, but for me at least, it’s not a long term job. So when I stopped, I felt like I had been thrown back into the normal world, a world I hadn’t existed in for a long time. I hadn’t been working and now I had to find a job with a big gap in my CV. It was all a bit of a sudden shock to me.
Relying on the Daddies
I love to be as independent as I possibly can be. Don’t get me wrong, sugaring in a lot of ways was very freeing compared to other jobs I’ve had, but in comparison on other forms of sex work, you’re very reliant on one singular person, (or a handful of people) to keep paying you regularly.
Sure, you can find another daddy if one falls through, but it can take time and make your income very inconsistent. At times it can feel as though you’re sinking and they’re the harbour. I never knew if one day, they might just decide they’d had enough and cut it off. I
was sick of feeling this constant anguish. Even though I was making a lot of money, I didn’t feel secure. Ideally, I don’t want to have to rely on anyone but myself. Again, this only becomes a real problem when sugaring is your only income.
I don’t think that sugar dating is bad. Believe you me, that shit changed my life. It’s very exciting and very helpful and truly empowering sometimes. But because sex work is still illegal (sigh), it means that you’re more alone when dealing with the ways it might affect you.
So I think it’s really important to step back and reflect every now and then on how it’s making you feel, to always give yourself regular breaks where you can and to prioritise your safety as a sugar baby.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
