The more I talk to my female friends about their sexual endeavors, the more shocked I am to hear how many of them have partners who don’t focus on their pleasure. I’m not talking brainwashed, red pill, conservative ladies here, I’m talking woke ass women in their twenties and thirties who attend women’s marches and demand equality in every aspect of their life – except where the bedroom is concerned. It’s a travesty that I hope to remedy through this definitive ranking of the four types of guys you’ll meet in life:
1. Guys who make you cum and don’t pay.
This is pretty self-explanatory. These are the guys who you (hopefully) have physical, emotional, and spiritual chemistry with. Maybe he’s your boyfriend. Maybe he’s just one of many lovers on your roster. Whatever the case, he’s probably a keeper.
2. Guys who make you cum and pay.
As someone who aims to please, especially in the bedroom, I understand the psychology of a man who bends over backwards to sexually satisfy his lady. But I honestly have mixed feelings when it comes to this type. On the one hand, I applaud and appreciate the effort. But sometimes, especially when the guy is not really my cup of tea, I would so much rather have a 20 minute one-and-done session, where he uses my body to make himself cum, rather than him taking three hours of my time trying to set a record on the number of consecutive orgasms I have (yes, this has actually happened).
Guys who pay to make you cum can be broken down further into two categories:
- The Vagina Whisperers
These are the Don Drapers and Bill Clintons of the world. They love women, oftentimes to a fault. These philanderer types genuinely revere their wives but can’t help themselves when they see a nice piece of ass – unless they are actively working their sex and love addicts anonymous program that is. For them, a pilates class full of hotties is like being a heroin addict in an opium den or a fat kid in a candy store.
Karens, insecure feminists, and jealous men alike lambast them as womanizers responsible for the moral decay of society, but the reality is they are just more in touch with their primal needs than the average joe – the one that’s been brainwashed by the Judeo-Christian patriarchy into thinking that monogamy is anything other than a social construct.
Typically, these guys are super charismatic and have no problem getting laid. Due to their ample experience over the years bedding hundreds of women, they are vagina whispers who will teach you things you never knew about your sacred yoni. Sometimes they actually derive more pleasure from making their woman cum than from cumming themselves. They don’t need to pay for sex but they do because they are looking for a no strings attached situation.
Whether it’s because they are stuck in a monogamous marriage where they are forced to keep the hedonistic degenerate part of themselves separate from the family man side, they are workaholics who don’t have time to invest in something more serious, or they have simply gotten older and struggle to land the caliber of babe they used to get back in their prime, these elusive unicorns are hard to find. So if you meet one, lock that shit down! Cause someone else will be happy to step in and replace you at the drop of a hat.
- The Overcompensaters
Everyone has insecurities and there is undoubtedly something very sexy and humanizing about a sexual partner who has the capacity to open up about theirs. Self-deprecation, especially when done with humor, can be irresistible – just look at Pete Davidson. But the line has to be drawn somewhere. A guy who can’t shut up about how much of a loser he is (physically or otherwise) or how little sexual experience he has, is such a fucking turnoff. As a sub, perhaps I’m biased towards the overconfident type. I’m sure there are doms out there who feel empowered by degrading and humiliating their self-loathing clients.
But even in platonic relationships, I find myself pulling away from anyone who desperately seeks validation from others. They just don’t get it. Everybody hates themselves to a degree but the rest of us are just better at covering it up. I totally subscribe to the “fake it til you make it” mantra when it comes to sexual power. In my early twenties, I had severe body dysmorphia and hated how I looked naked. But I wasn’t going to hide beneath the sheets or demand that the lights be turned off during sex because I innately knew that doing so would not be attractive. Instead, I walked around with my tits out and my shoulders high, and eventually, came to (at least sometimes) love my body – flaws and all.
The overcompensator is a sex work client who is most likely paying for sex because he doesn’t have the confidence to pick up girls. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But please, I beg of you, just fuck me for your own satisfaction! You do not know what you’re doing down there and I don’t care to waste my energy trying to educate you. What’s more is that your ego is so attached to making me cum that if you fail, you are bound to feel even more pathetic than you did before. Save us both some agony by not putting me in a situation where I have to fake an orgasm. Or at the very least, come with a vibrator.
3. Guys who don’t make you cum and pay.
My inner feminist cringes at the thought of men objectifying women like this. A guy who pays but doesn’t make you cum is literally using your body for sex. We’re raised to believe such transactions are gross and exploitative, and at times, they can be. But in reality, it’s just a business exchange. These selfish lovers may be horrible in real life but in the context of a sex worker / client relationship, they are totally within reason. And the silver lining about these guys is that they usually finish pretty quickly. An hour or two session and you’re out of there, with a thick wad of cash in your wallet. Not so bad for an honest day’s work.
4. Guys who don’t make you cum and don’t pay.
Four words: run for the hills! Please don’t be one of those women who settles for bad sex without gaining something from it. If you guys really love each other, you should be able to open up to him about your wants and needs. If you feel unable to do so, that’s a major red flag. And if you are able to do so but he fails to step up his game, that’s a total dealbreaker. An ex-lover once made an interesting point about all this: “Men know how to communicate and manage their own sexual needs. It’s only fair for women to do the same. It’s bullshit for a girl to just lie there like a starfish and get annoyed when the guy can’t satisfy her. Speak up for yourself!”
I totally get where he’s coming from. Women have been so conditioned to default to passivity in the bedroom that we sometimes forget to put our own needs first. Females who fake orgasms and pretend like everything’s A-okay are just as culpable for perpetuating the patriarchy as the straight men who don’t eat pussy. It’s our responsibility to communicate when the sex is shit. Otherwise, these fools will continue going about their lives thinking everything is just fine.
Of course, there’s shades of gray. For instance, I have this guy in my life who I find very physically attractive. The conversation is great but when it comes to sex, I am clearly leagues ahead where experience is concerned. He fucks like a guy in his twenties and considering he is in his twenties, I can’t fault him too much. The first time we hooked up, he went down on me for maybe five minutes before fucking me. He didn’t make me cum but I appreciated the initiative.
Afterwards he goes: “You know I don’t really like going down on women but I liked going down on you. Your pussy tastes like a nice tuna tartare.” I honestly didn’t know whether to be more amused or annoyed. How does this moron not know that saying he doesn’t like to eat pussy is the dumbest thing you could ever say to a girl? Because even if you’re putting my pussy on a pedestal, I’m still gonna get all in my head if and when I ever let you go down on me again.
Do I smell okay? Am I groomed to his standards? Am I taking too long? These will be the questions rushing through my head should he ever have the honor of performing cunnilingus on me again. Talk about a buzz kill. Consequently, I swore never to see him again. But then he sent all these cute texts and I reconsidered. He sells really good psychedelics and has excellent taste in restaurants. So when I agreed to see him again I checked in with myself: “What can I do to make this worth my while?”
I suck his dick and make him cum in five seconds, and he gives me free psychedelics, assembles my furniture, and teaches me how to cook. Granted, it’s not the most passionate love affair I’ve ever had, but it works. Bottom line is that everyone has their own unique needs, as well as likes and dislikes. It’s rare to find a partner with whom you’re in total alignment with 100% of the time. It’s about giving and taking, and knowing when to compromise.
If a guy doesn’t make you cum every time you have sex, it’s certainly not the end of the world. But if it’s a pattern and / or the power dynamic is hella unequal, that’s when you know he’s not the one. Honor yourself as the goddess you are by seeking someone who deserves you and all your feminine glory. Or at the very least, get a daddy who will overcompensate for the bad sex by pampering the fuck out of you.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
