I remember my early sexual experiences as a blur of rough sex: being tied to bed posts, having my mouth taped and being called a good girl. Whilst all of this excited me, at one point I realised that me and my various partners had sort of danced around the actual discussion of BDSM.We vaguely spoke about what we were willing to explore physically: like being tied up or using certain toys, but we never got into a deep psychological discussion behind what excited us about doing these things.
And even within myself, whilst I was half-conscious of what I was into, I never really actualised those thoughts and defined what I liked and why. This is funny to me, because BDSM is such a psychological concept. The roughness is a lot less exciting without the mutual understanding of a specific power dynamic behind it.
Nowadays it’s cool to be into BDSM- but whilst it is pretty normalised as a concept, I think there’s a lot of rough sex going on that probably feels performative and doesn’t really hit the mark.
Sex is all about communication and the shared consciousness that comes from that. And it’s important to talk about it – and not just as a one time thing but regularly because our desires are fluid.
I’m submissive to my core. But that feeling of submission is not the same every day and with every person. I have periods where I feel it more strongly. And the way in which I feel submissive really varies – and often depends on the natural dynamic I have with whoever I’m sleeping with.
There are plenty of ways to feel submissive- and they are totally different to one another. Contrary to common belief, not one person is limited to being one of these types – in fact, I commonly switch between them all and sometimes feel like a blend of two at once. Here’s the main types of sub psyches.
The masochist
This, (to me at least) is a detached yet unbearably intense feeling of submission. It’s a fucked up will to allow somebody else to break into the deepest parts of your body and mind. It’s a strange longing for humiliation and oblivion. It’s about the sensation of pain.
It’s not gimmicky, but instinctive violence. It’s the feeling of your stomach dropping as somebody takes you with absolute disregard. It’s physical. It’s not playful, it’s like bitten down nails and sharp winter winds. It feels like a Mary Gaitskill novel or a Massive Attack song.
It’s the feeling of wanting to be a blank page and to completely hand yourself over. The kind of dom this seems to attract is someone who is pretty confident in themselves. They don’t need much reassurance from you in order to experience their pleasure.
They normally like to see you in a pathetic situation (they’re true sadists). For me, this form of submission has worked best people who I don’t necessarily get along with, but share an undeniably charged sexual energy with. Because it’s so intense, it only has ever been as a short term thing for me – a brief period of total release.
Personally, the excitement here comes from the complex dynamic. There’s an element of mystery to the cold but intense relationship between the dom and sub. As a masochistic sub, you long for tenderness from the sadistic dom, and then enjoy the fact that you don’t ever receive it. If the dom eventually walks away, it feels almost fitting- it’s the enjoyment of being utterly subservient to somebody.
The Little
In total contrast, the little is where you are treated like a princess. It’s being adored, but in the way that someone that someone would adore a pet or a doll. In other words, . In other words, it’s still controlling- and consequently you still feel submissive. Age play is common in this type of d/s relationship. It’s very paternal/maternal.
Your dom has an element of caring power over you – they know best. In its most perverse form, the dynamic that you consent to is played as ‘manipulative’ – like an abuse of power. Your dom is very soft and sweet with you and treats you like something precious most of the time- but they also will use and abuse you whenever they want to, because you’re their property.
As a little, you helplessly submit. You sexually provoke your dom but in a way that is ambiguous and ‘unintended’. This element of innocence being corrupted is what makes it exciting for the both fo you. Because of the pretence of purity, this dynamic almost feels even darker than the masochist dynamic.
In a less perverse form, this type of submission is not manipulative and feels more truly pure. I normally feel attracted to this type of submission when I’m in love and in a relationship. The dom treats you with a lot of genuine, unpatronising care. They don’t abuse their power.
There’s truthful communication and real emotions, and so you really want to submit, and there’s a huge amount of trust between you. The sex is both rough and soft – and there’s a lot of intimacy involved.
I like this type of submission because the violent element is a stark contrast to the actual relationship which makes it very exciting and almost like an intimate secret between the two of you. I love the mix of rough and gentle, and the innocence paired with the perversity.
The Brat
My natural sub state probably is the brat- purely because I’m submissive, but I also simply cannot tolerate men (!) and love to wind them up. The brat is similar to the little in that the dynamic can feel paternal/maternal, but you’re more rebellious. The brat feels like Angela Hayes from American Beauty and half of Lana Del Rey’s discography.
Compared to a little, you’re more aware of your sex appeal as a brat and you want to use it to tease your dom and drive them crazy. You challenge them, you do things that you know will annoy them, you overtly provoke them to punish you.
It’s probably the most playful sub type. If a little is baby pink, the brat is bright pink- showing off, being theatrical, making a scene. The brat is the excitement of seeing the anger rise in your dom and eventually losing control and teaching you a lesson.
Not all doms are into brats because they overstep usual BDSM boundaries and challenge the dom’s power. It takes a tough cookie who trusts that they can tame a brat.
I found that doms who brought out my bratty side had a good mix of authority and playfulness- they set rules but made me feel comfortable enough to break them.
I like the brat because it feels very genuine. I love to give my dom a real reason to be rough with me- I want to feel as though it comes from a place of true frustration, otherwise the violence can feel a little performative to me.
The Light-Hearted Sub
When I’m not feeling like a bratty tease, a cutesy little or a numbed masochist, I’m sometimes in my light-hearted sub mood. In a way she’s less performative than the other types- or at least more akin to the non-male-gazey version of myself. She’s comfortable in her sexuality and more vocal than the other types.
She’s submissive but she doesn’t feel disrespected because there’s a complicity between her and the dom that the roughness is just fun and doesn’t go further than the bedroom. It’s more casual, more friendly- like two human beings experimenting together.
That doesn’t make it less spicy- the ease and naturalness created means normally communication is very good- and it can become very hot. Normally subs like these are down to try anything because they’re open to experimentation and not necessarily strongly drawn to any specific kink.
It reminds me of Doja Cat’s music- it’s someone comfortable in their sexuality and more expressive than other subs of their submissiveness, creating a sort of dominance within the submission. It feels like a more womanly submission than a girlish one.
I like it because I feel so good within myself when I’m in this mood. Whilst the other forms can feel restrictive in one way or another- this form of submission feels healthy, sustainable and the most natural.
Feeling subby? Check out our Songs for Submissives Sensuali playlist.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
