Jealousy often gets a bad rap, but it’s a completely natural emotion that just needs a little more time to navigate. It’s not a sign you’re failing at relationships—it’s simply a signal that something needs your attention. Start by asking yourself: What exactly am I feeling? Is it fear of losing your partner, insecurity about your worth, or simply FOMO?
Recognising the root of your jealousy is the first step to managing it.
Take time to reflect on your triggers. Are they linked to past experiences or unmet needs? Or does it have something to do with your attachment style to that person? Journaling can be a powerful tool here—write down what’s coming up for you without judgment. Remember, jealousy isn’t your enemy; it’s just a little alarm bell inviting you to dig deeper into what makes you feel safe, loved, and valued and how to use those reflections best to stay calm, cool and collected.
Communicating openly: Building trust through honest conversations
Once you’ve pinpointed what’s fueling your jealousy, it’s time to talk about it. Easier said than done, right? However, relationships thrive on open communication. Start by sharing your feelings in a calm, non-blaming way. For example: “I’ve been feeling a little insecure about X, and I’d like to talk it through with you.”
It’s not about pointing fingers but about creating space for understanding. Use “I” statements and be specific about what you need. Do you want more reassurance, clarity about boundaries, or just a listening ear? Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also the quickest way to build trust and intimacy.
It’s not about pointing fingers but about creating space for understanding.
Most of the time, our worries about jealousy in relationships stem from our own catastrophising thoughts rather than reality. But don’t worry—we all do it.
Setting boundaries: Agreements that work for everyone
Boundaries are like the safety net of relationships. They’re not there to limit freedom but to create a shared understanding of what feels good and what doesn’t. It could be agreeing to schedule regular check-ins or knowing how to communicate better in certain situations. Dr Stan Tatkin says that couples need to co-create a world together that includes working on social contracts together – critical thinking together instead of automatically acting.
He’s right! We go out into the world and pick another human/s we want to spend our lives with, and we forget that this person is a stranger with different thoughts, values and ways of showing up in the world. We have to work to create a unique bond that no one else has, and sometimes, that means doing the right thing when it’s the hardest thing to do.
We have to work to create a unique bond that no one else has, and sometimes, that means doing the right thing when it’s the hardest thing to do.
Transforming jealousy into growth: Compersion and self-compassion
Here’s the thing about jealousy: it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. With a little mindset shift, it can become an opportunity for growth. Enter compersion—a term often described as the opposite of jealousy. It’s about finding joy in your partner’s happiness, even if it doesn’t involve you. Easier said than done, of course, but practising compersion can help soften those pangs of jealousy.
It’s about finding joy in your partner’s happiness, even if it doesn’t involve you.
And don’t forget self-compassion. It’s easy to beat yourself up for feeling jealous, but remember, you’re human. Celebrate the small wins, like being honest about your feelings or trying something new to manage them. Growth doesn’t happen overnight, but every step counts.
Jealousy is tricky to navigate, especially in relationships, but it doesn’t have to derail your connection. With reflection, honest communication, and a little patience, you can turn those moments of discomfort into deeper intimacy and personal growth. And isn’t that what this journey is all about?
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April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
