Meet Jacob, a decent looking 42 year old working a middle management job in corporate America. As he openly admits on his dating apps, the best thing about him is his British accent, which – here in New York – elevates him from a 6 to an 8. I think us American gals have some weird colonizer fetish deeply ingrained into our psyches because we go absolutely bananas for British accents.
I sat down with John to figure out why the hell he only ever seems to date women 20 years younger than him. Here’s what he had to say:
What attracts you to sleeping with younger women?
Do men look for porn of ladies in their mid thirties to early forties?
What about dating them?
It’s sort of like utopianism and idealism. They tend to adore you, which is a huge turn on. There’s also this heightened sense of romance. It sort of takes you back…not to feeling younger, but that mindset of like, “Oh, you know, we could move to some other town and run away and life would be perfect.” So you sort of exist in this bubble, where you think life will be perfect if you just have the right relationship.
Is dating women significantly younger than you (15+ years) a pattern that you actively seek out? If so, why?
I try to avoid it really, really hard. But anytime I’ve made an effort to date women my own age, it’s just been such a disappointment.
Do you find relationships with younger women to be safer and less emotionally involved simply because they are in a less serious phase of life and have less expectations?
They are very emotionally demanding in a different, childish way. So you know, it’s sort of like, “pick your poison.” The main thing is there’s just such an optimism about them. But that level of positivity and sense of wonder can easily become too much.
Often they become way too attached. It’s sort of like when you go drinking. It’s fine at first but then someone always gets too drunk and throws up all over themselves. At some stage, you want to go back to the adult world and you can switch it off but they can’t.
What attracts you to women in their 20s physically over women your own age?
I don’t see many women my own age looking after themselves in New York. In London, there are some fucking gorgeous women in their mid thirties and early forties. But in New York, they’ve sort of all gone out like they’re gonna be in their twenties forever. In London, women seem to embrace their mid thirties and early forties. Whereas single women here are generally more obsessed with maintaining their youth and going out partying and abusing their bodies in some desperate attempt to hold onto their youth.
What attracts you to women in their 20s emotionally over women your own age?
People in their twenties are just more in flux and open to something new. I would love to meet someone in their early thirties who is relaxed, loving and nurturing. But by the time someone is in their thirties, they’re more set in their routine and they have their circle of friends.
Do you enjoy having a power dynamic where you are the undisputed dom who pays for everything, has more life experience, etc.?
Yeah. But there’s always somebody with a bigger wallet if you’re doing that. There’s always somebody with a fancier experience on the weekends. Guys who actually have self-esteem are dating a 28 or 32 year old that’s got her shit together, not some hot mess of a 21 year old.
What do you think of women who claim that men who date significantly younger women are simply too immature to handle a real woman?
I don’t know. There’s no social contract that says you, as a man, are obligated to date someone the same age as you. I may well have a more intellectual conversation with a woman who’s 26 and doing an MFA at Hunter than a woman in her thirties or forties that is working as a corporate attorney and stressed out with her job.
If you look through history, some of the greatest authors produced some of their most famous books when they were 26. When I dated an 18 year old and went out to dinner with my son, her interactions were no different than a woman in her thirties would have been.
But that lack of life experience always comes out one way or another. It’s not like they’re young and dumb across the board. They’re usually quite mature and sophisticated in four areas out of five. And then in the fifth one, they’re just stunted.
How influenced do you feel your attraction to significantly younger women is dictated by nurture (ad campaigns featuring teens, fetishization of high schoolers on shows like Euphoria) versus nature (younger women = more fertile, older men = more stable / able to provide to support)?
I think there’s a lot of social morals. If we were living in Berlin, being in a relationship with a wide age gap would be perfectly normal. I personally am not into the fetishzation of the school girl whatsoever. I want a woman in her 20s, not a 16 year old.
I’m more drawn to that 500 Days of Summer kind of woman. I sort of want to kid myself into believing that I can go back into a world full of optimism, where soulmates are real. Where there’s no obligations and sort of just stops for a minute.
Do you or have you ever dated women significantly older than you? If so, when and what was the age difference?
I haven’t. I dated somebody when I was in my early thirties who was two years older than me. I do get hit on a lot by older women quite a lot though.
Do you feel like women really do just mature faster than men and that therefore the biological age difference doesn’t necessarily reflect the emotional age difference?
I think on some level, yes. I guess the ideal would be finding someone with the optimism of a 23 or 24 year old with the complexity and emotional depth of someone in their mid thirties, early forties.
What advice would you give to a women in her 30s, 40s, or 50s who is trying to date men her own age but who feels like they are not interested?
To chill the fuck out…as arrogant as that sounds. They should just date like they did in their twenties…just let it happen. There’s so much pressure. There is so much baggage brought on first dates. Just enjoy the guy’s company and let go of the outcome.
There is such a bitterness I see in women in their late thirties that have had successful careers. They are expecting to find a single guy that is looking for a long term relationship who is their age or a year older.
There’s such anger when they realize that doing so is easier said than done. They’ve got a career, they’ve got the Soho House membership, but then they’re just so unrealistic about the guy that they think they are gonna meet.
Dating a woman in her forties is like being on a fucking job interview. When I date a woman in her twenties, she is so much more loving and accepting towards my son. Whereas older women tend to get interrogative: “What does this mean? Do you wanna have more kids? What’s your relationship with your ex-wife? What’s the status of your legal agreement?”
Do you think women who are older should embrace their age with grace or bend over backwards to maintain their youthful essence?
Embrace that shit! Women in Europe do it better. There’s just this elegance about them. They aren’t overdoing it with the plastic surgery. They’re not trying too hard. They take care of themselves. They have some some wrinkles and to me, that’s fucking beautiful.
What do your friends think about your proclivity for younger women? Are they in the same boat, are they jealous, judgmental or some combination of both?
I think they don’t take it seriously. They think like it’s just a sex thing.
the big telling for me is in my forties, like when I would take my son to ballet class or jujitsu and I see moms of the kids the same age as Peter and I’m like, “holy shit, this is who I’m supposed to be going on a first date with.”
Were you jealous as a younger man in his twenties when women your own age would go for older, richer men? Explain.
Yeah. After I got divorced and was doing tons of drugs, I was in a very toxic relationship and every now and again, we would get in a big argument and the siren call would come and she would just disappear go on, fuck her 42 year old ex at the Greenwich Hotel. And so then when I got some cash, I started taking my 26 year old to the Greenwich Hotel. The bully became the bully 110 fucking percent.
Any additional comments?
When it comes to being single at 40, I think both sides have really unrealistic expectations. I’m looking for a 23 year old that has the emotional maturity of a 40 year old. She’s looking for a banker that works at a private equity firm, has dinner parties in the south of France, and isn’t going to cheat on her.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
