We talk so much about out-of-this-world, ‘she came six times’ sex and we talk equally as much about terrible, borderline traumatic sex. But no one is too keen to discuss what is likely the most common experience of sex: the mediocre kind. The type of sex that’s just not so exciting and seemingly no one’s fault in particular. The type of sex where you’re both doing it because you started and now you have to finish it. Mediocre sex is not necessarily a bad thing- after all, it can’t be outstandingly good every time because then it would no longer stand out. What goes up must come down.
Like eating, sex is a basic human need, and not every meal we eat has to be a five star one. However, if most meals you ate were 3 stars at best, you’d start to feel a little fed up.
Mediocre sex ultimately happens because of one reason: you’re not turned on, or at least not enough. When you’re incredibly horny, everything falls into place; your inhibitions dissolve naturally, and you’re free to truly enjoy. Here are some reasons why you might struggle to get turned on, and how to combat them.
Mediocre sex happens when you pretend that the sex you’re having is something that it’s not.
You’re not finding yourself sexy.
I can’t vouch for men, but I know that women enjoy sex when they find themselves sexy. Strange as it may be, it’s arguably more important to find yourself sexy than it is to find your partner sexy. Maybe you’re not feeling yourself at the moment, you’re not in an especially sexual mood, and maybe you haven’t been for some time.
How to find yourself sexy
Explore your sexuality within yourself
Finding yourself sexy is less about achieving your aesthetic goals, such as having better skin or your ideal body, and more about being in touch with your own desires and viewing yourself within those desires. The more you masturbate, the more you want to masturbate. If you struggle to feel sexual, try masturbating more. If you don’t know how to turn yourself on, whack on some porn. It doesn’t have to be the crappy kind, feminist porn is an option! Watching porn can be a great way to make you view sex and desire in different ways and discover more about your own particular kinks. Watching porn where one of the actors resembles you is also a great way to know that the way you look is of course incredibly desirable and attractive.
Get at ease beforehand.
When you’re overthinking the way you look, closing your eyes and forgetting that your partner is looking at you is an easy escape, but it’s not the right answer. Instead, before you have sex, make sure that you feel as comfortable as you can with yourself. Whether that’s going to the bathroom to shower, brush your teeth or even just to look at yourself in the mirror and re-realise that you’re not a fugly bitch. Once you feel good within yourself, it’s a thousand times easier to open yourself (and your eyes) and properly connect with your partner during sex.
You’re not finding them sexy.
You’re looking up at them, they might be the pengest thing you ever did see, but that alone just isn’t enough to get you super horny right now. They’re going for it with all their might, humping the living daylights out of you, but something is amiss, they’re just not turning you on. What to do?
How to find them sexy.
A build up of sexual tension inevitably will have you gagging for it by the time you get to sex. It helps if you go for someone who you naturally have a flirty rapport with. If your natural temperament together gets you excited then it’s a very good start because the constant flirtation will slowly build. Otherwise, subtle physical touch throughout the day works a treat. It’s like pre-foreplay foreplay.
You’re overthinking and stuck in your head.
This one is especially common in women. Your mind’s been poisoned by unrealistic representations of female sexual behaviour- you feel you must enjoy it but look amazing whilst doing so. You try to be hypersexual in order to turn your partner on, you panic about your appearance during it, you over analyse your partner’s reactions, you try and switch it up to keep it interesting, not because you actually feel like switching it up, you deem yourself a failure if you don’t make them come– and with all of this in mind, you are barely able to focus on your own desires at all.
How to let go and lead with your body.
Focus on your senses.
Music. First and foremost. Play some songs made for having sex to. It’s a popular solution, but for a reason. Music always improves sex. It immediately takes you out of your head and lets your body take lead.
Depending on what song(s) you play, it also creates a very particular mood that you and your partner can together understand and react to, so no more out of rhythm fucking, you’ll be perfectly in sync.
Don’t fake it, baby.
Good sex is about feeling super intimate to someone and that intimacy forms when there is complete truthfulness between you. Mediocre sex happens when you pretend that the sex you’re having is something that it’s not.
No matter how good you are at pretending, you can’t fake the level of rawness you reach when you’re having truly unbelievable sex. Pretending to enjoy simply for the sake of the other person- ‘selfless sex’, is never a good idea because most of the time, if the mood is off, your partner can also sense it, so nobody benefits.
Be upfront when you’re not into it.
You’ve heard it before, and now you’ll hear it again- sex isn’t like it is in porn. If you’re not immediately aroused, that’s fine- and completely normal. Don’t feel pressured to pretend that you are. By telling somebody that you’re not into it just yet is going to achieve a much higher level of intimacy with them than faking it would.
The truth is sexy. In the same vein, if halfway through you lose interest, it’s not the end of the world. Again, sex is a shared thing, and so it’s better to communicate what you can probably both feel. Being the one to communicate also places the power in your hands and opens the door to a no-pressure, taking-it-slow sex-sesh- in other words, the best kind.
It’s not personal.
The more sex you have, the more you’ll stop taking things personally. If you feel the sex wasn’t amazing, don’t blame yourself.
There’s a plethora of reasons why someone can’t come or just isn’t into it, down to as minuscule ridiculous factors like the temperature of the room or whether they ate too much food beforehand.
With every partner you have, sex will be different, and you’ll realise that each sexual encounter isn’t a direct reflection on you.
You’re desensitised and no longer trying.
This is normally common in long-term relationships. The sex is repetitive, it’s a part of your everyday routine. You’ve fallen into the habit of doing the same thing each time. You zone out and go through the motions, just as you do on your morning journey into work everyday. You’re neither in your head or your body, you’re just not there at all.
How to break out of habitual sex.
Quality over quantity.
Stop having sex for the sake of having sex. Typically, men want more sex than women do. Women feel pressured to please their partner, so they have sex, even when they’re not into it. Having sex when you’re sexed out is like eating a meal when you’re full. It’s not gonna work. And letting someone use you like you’re a fuck machine, only for them to feel that it’s mediocre, which they inevitably will if you’re not truly into it…doesn’t seem worth it. Having sex for the sake of it ruins your own sexual appetite. Fuck less, and when you do fuck, you’ll be a lot more into it.
Don’t subconsciously fake it, baby
In this context, you fake it without even thinking about it anymore, it’s second nature. Faking it is your gateway to dissociate. Because you know that as long as they think you’re enjoying it, you’re free to let your mind wander and pretend it’s not happening. If you were to act how you felt, pretty soon your partner would know something was up. Make a conscious effort to stop being performative- it will force you and your partner to acknowledge that the sex needs to change.
Keep being sexy together.
As cringe as the whole ‘spice things up’ notion is, it’s important to try (subtly) to keep sexual momentum going in order for you to stay turned on. Make an effort to learn more about physical pleasure (porn is your guidebook baby), and try them out. Even more importantly, open more conversations about sex together; about what turns you on or what turns you off, have sexual experiences together, even if it’s just reading some cringe internet smut to each other or watching some erotic cinema. Sex being an active part of your life together helps to keep you seeing each other in that light.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
