Relationships can be beautiful spaces for connection, intimacy, exploration and mutual support, but sometimes, we find ourselves in a partnership that harms rather than heals. Despite knowing the negative impact of toxic relationships, leaving them can be incredibly difficult.
In this article, we’ll explore why we stay in toxic relationships, the psychological factors behind them, and the steps to break free and reclaim your lives. Trust me when I say you CAN leave and WILL find someone else (if that’s what you desire).
Not sure if you are in a toxic relationship? Let’s explore the signs…
Identifying Signs of Toxic Relationships
If you are emotionally invested, have been with a person for a long time or are just madly in love with someone, it can be challenging to determine whether a person is presenting unhealthy behaviours. However, one thing to be aware of is whether or not your relationship with this person drains you rather than nurtures you.
Here are some clear signs to be aware of:
Constant Criticism or Contempt: Does your partner consistently put you down, make demeaning comments, or show contempt through words or gestures?
Manipulation and Control: Does it feel like your partner is trying to control your actions, decisions, or relationships with others?
Gaslighting: Does your partner often deny reality, causing you to question your memories or feelings? This can make you doubt your perceptions and feel increasingly insecure.
Emotional Unavailability: Is your partner consistently unwilling or unable to engage emotionally, leaving you feeling alone, unsupported, and disconnected? Do they not only avoid expressing their feelings calmly and collected but do they also avoid asking you about yours?
Extreme Jealousy or Possessiveness: Is your partner overly jealous or possessive, preventing you from spending time with friends and family or pursuing personal interests? Do you feel like you have to ask for their permission?
Physical or Verbal Abuse: Any form of abuse—be it physical, verbal, or emotional—is a clear indicator of toxicity and should never be tolerated.
The first step toward healing is acknowledging these signs and recognising that they’re not normal or healthy in a relationship. Awareness can often plant the seed of change and help you express your concerns with your partner or walk away.
Psychological Factors Behind Staying in Toxic Relationships
Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t as simple as recognising the harm; even when we’re aware of the damage, we often find ourselves bound by complex psychological and emotional factors. These invisible ties can create an internal struggle that makes it difficult to break free, even when we know it’s in our best interest. Let’s explore some common reasons people stay in toxic relationships despite knowing they may be harmful.
The most common one is the fear of loneliness and being single, which often can make people cling to toxic partners rather than face the unknown of a single life. While it might feel scary to go out into the world alone, it has to be better than sticking with someone who doesn’t give you the love and support you deserve. As clique as it is, there are plenty more fish in the sea; you just have to dip your toes in the water to see.
Another reason people stay is that prolonged toxic relationships often cause a person to experience lower self-esteem, making them feel they aren’t worthy of better treatment. This cycle needs to be broken, and it can only start with you creating that change. It’s important to say that self-esteem is sometimes best achieved with massive amounts of compassion, time, and support from another person or community.
Lastly, many people remain in toxic relationships, clinging to the hope that their partner will change, particularly if they’ve experienced moments of kindness or glimpses of the person they once fell for. These positive instances can create a powerful emotional pull, leading them to overlook or minimise the ongoing harm in favour of that small hope for improvement.
Steps to Take for Leaving a Toxic Relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is a process that requires courage, planning, and support. Here are steps to consider:
- Prepare a support system like friends and family
- Set clear boundaries like refraining from engaging in arguments
- Focus on self-care and self-worth
- Create an exit plan around necessities like finances and shelter
- Seek professional help from a therapist
- Limit contact gradually and physical proximity
What to Do Once You Leave the Relationship
Once you’ve managed to break free, the healing journey continues, and you can finally fill your life with people that only provide you with the love and care you deserve. Here are some ways to support yourself as you rebuild your life:
First and foremost, take the time to heal! Resist the urge to jump into a new relationship immediately, and even if you feel incredibly lonely, learn to sit with being alone and reflect on why it makes you uncomfortable. Take the time to focus on self-reflection, identifying any patterns, and nurturing yourself. A famous quote I love “I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams.
During this reflection period, it’s essential to reconnect with your identity. Toxic relationships can leave you feeling disconnected from who you are, especially if they control who you can see and where you are allowed to go. Re-engage with hobbies, passions, and friendships that may have taken a backseat. This also includes surrounding yourself with positive influences and individuals who respect and uplift you. Avoid anyone who doesn’t bring light into your life; no more energy suckers, only good vibes!
Lastly and most importantly, forgive yourself. It’s common to feel guilt or shame after leaving a toxic relationship, but remember that you’re not to blame for the toxicity. Practice self-compassion, and don’t be ashamed to sit with your feelings; they make you human!
Work with a couples coach to help you explore further
Read more ‘The Cost of Loving: Cashing in on our Desires’
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
